Bad Driving "Luck"

I recently got a call from my parents, who live in a different state than me (they, Colorado--I, sunny California), simply to chat and catch up. About halfway through the conversation, my mom casually mentioned the fact that my dad's new car had been rear-ended a mere hour-and-a-half before.

I was a little worried - not at the fact that my parents had been in an accident but rather at the way that she off-handedly threw the story into the end of the conversation in an almost-forgot-to-tell-you manner, as if she were relating what she had had for lunch that day. 

Such has become the state of driving vehicles in my family. 

Like I said, I wasn't worried about the actual accident - after all, this time, it was only a fender-bender, and the accident wasn't the fault of anyone in our family. For MikeeP and kin, getting into a car accident that's relatively minor is happy news, along the lines of bringing home an "A-" on a final exam. Throw in not having that minor accident be due to any negligence, inattentiveness or hubris on our part . . . well, that's like saying not only was the "-" a typo and you actually got an "A+", but that you also got extra credit, and you are excused from doing homework for the next week. 

Now, if you know me well, or casually, or have had the (mis)fortune of being a passenger in a car I was operating, or who follow this blog marginally, or have been cut off, side-swiped or run over by me out there on the road, you know that I have somewhat of a history of what might be euphemistically described as "boo-boo"s when it comes to cars. 

There are some who chalk it up to a general state of distraction in which I tend to live my life, which is fine when it comes to overcoming life's little annoyances, but might translate poorly into the realm of vehicular management. 

I however, take a different view. What might appear to the casual observer as "distraction" while I drive - things such as turning around to look the back-seat passenger in the eye when I talk to them - I consider to be politeness. It's just common courtesy to look people in the eye when you talk. I tell this to people all the time. They usually respond by telling me to watch the road, please, or by screaming uncontrollably and pointing our the windshield at something I can't see because I am busy being polite and looking them in the eye. 

I think I've previously alluded to the litany of driving predicaments I've found myself in, not the least of which includes getting a reckless driving ticket on the same night that I backed into the garage door, a mere four nights before backing into two, count 'em, TWO parked cars. That was a bad week.

However, like all good miscreants, I place the culpability outside of myself. I blame my genes. Remember how I said before that I was relieved that the state of driving in my family has gotten to the point where we are actually happy to hear that one of us only got into a fender bender?

Well, then it should not shock to you learn that, I recently took an inventory of my family's driving mishaps. And I came up with, off the top of my head, approximately fifty - 5-0!-  incidents between my extended family. And we are talking cross-generational here, not just kids.

I don't even know which of us is the worst. I may have the most notches on my fan belt, but I don't think I have the worst incidents. Except for the hitting 2 cars 4 days after I broke the garage and got a reckless driving ticket thing. That one was bad.

But clearly, there are too many incidents to discuss right now, and I want to do them all justice because just about every incident has a story to it, there are very few garden variety speeding tickets in the mix here.

I think what I'm going to do here is give a teaser/activity. I will list the people in my family who could be considered driving culprits, and I will list the incidents that have occurred between us, but I won't actually attribute the incidents to the players just yet. I will leave it to you to ponder who has done what. You may recognize some of my previously related "boo-boos", but hey, you really need to see them all at once to feel the full effect of our family driving habits.

Drivers:
-Dad
-Brother
-Sister
-Grandma
-Aunt
-Mom
-Grandpa

Incidents:
-Backed into 2 parked cars in 5 minutes
-Backed into the garage door (and broke it)
-Reckless driving ticket
-Totaled a car a month after getting it by rear-ending someone, and then getting rear-ended in turn
-Shattered windshield by accidentally throwing a bag of garbage onto it from a second-story balcony (while aiming for the dumpster next to the car)
-Ran into a guardrail in the mountains because was watching the rear-view mirror b/c they thought a cop was tailing them
-Was voted worst driver of senior year class (but best partier!)
-Slid mother's car into a stone wall b/c of snow on road
-Had a car so old that there was a hole in the floor, and the automatic seatbelt had a frayed wire so car would not start (b/c car would only start when seat-belt was "on")
-Said car with hole and frayed seatbelt blew a rod, was repaired, and was totaled 1 week later when it was hit
-Got a ticket for racing
-Ran out of gas 2 times
-Ran out gas 1 time
-Ran out of gas 2 times (this was not an accidental repeat--2 different people in my fam have run out of gas at least 2 time)
-Almost ran out of gas a third/fourth time in the middle of Utah where the only "gas station" in town was a pump in front of a house, and had to bang on the door till people came out
-Spun out on freeway while driving someone else's car
-Had a car's engine die b/c hadn't gotten the oil changed in over 10,000 miles
-Had an automatic gate close on their car
-Ran into another car b/c of snow on road
-Backed into a car in an intersection
-Almost ran out of gas a third/fourth time while driving across the country solo to see a favorite band's last concert, and ran out of money on the way back (also got a speeding ticket on that trip)
-Got a seatbelt ticket in a parking lot
-Got a ticket for driving solo in a carpool lane
-Got hit a week after driving stick shift (and driving more carefully than ever before in their life)
-Shattered rear windshield by backing into a mail box
-Totaled 3rd car by rear-ending someone
-Totaled first car by having someone rear-end them
-Hit a pole in a bank drive-thru ATM
-Broke trunk by angrily throwing it open b/c they were irritated that it wouldn't stay open on its own in the cold
-Tried to park a car in the area of a walk-up ice cream store where people stand and order
-totaled both parents cars in one weekend while they were out of town
-Tried to order at a drive-thru by yelling into a trashcan (5 feet away from the order box)
-Rolled a car on the interstate
-Had a car spontaneously combust while driving it
-Drove in reverse on a major street (with traffic) b/c gear shift was stuck in reverse

So, that is the basic, off-the-top-of-my-head list of driving incidents that have occurred in my family.  As there are so many, I will be starting a new, on-going series on this blog where I will, one by one, detail the story behind each of these driving incidents, and reveal who the culprit was behind each.

I will leave you with this little nugget that sums up the driving experience in my family: I was recently talking with my dad, and we realized that, since June of this year, 5 out of 5 in my immediate family have had a driving "boo-boo". (In our defense, 3 of us weren't at fault. So, that's worth something, in some twisted way, I guess).

And you wonder why I am a bad driver? Science doesn't lie, my friends. It's the genes. 

Mikee P

Bucket List pt. 2

As I've alluded to in previous posts, and by "previous posts", I mean this one single post, I have an on-going bucket list.

I'm not referring to a literal list of buckets that I secretly keep in my back pocket and obsessively unfold, stare at for 15 minutes (reciting the name, product number, year of first production and most competitive retail price of each bucket four times in a raspy, barely audible murmur) and then re-fold along every crease perfectly, repeating the entire process if I miss a single step, every hour on the hour. Where did you get that idea?

Incidentally, if I were keeping a list of literal buckets, I would probably include this one, as it seems to have practical application, this one because it is simple, refined and masculine yet aesthetically pleasing, you know, for a bucket, and this one because, shit that's pretty hilarious.

No, this "bucket list" I have is one of those cliche lists of things I want to do before I die.

Now, I'm not saying mine is the best bucket list ever and if you follow it you will truly live. I'm not even saying it's totally awesome, or partially awesome. I mean, it's probably pretty lame compared to the one those guys are following on The Buried Life. Those guys have a pretty good thing goin with their list, and they're actually checking things off, earning money while doing it, and achieving legitimate glory. You know, the glory of being an MTV reality show star. That level of prestige is usually reserved for underage pregnant teenage moms from Tennessee,  trust-fund harpees planning a birthday celebration that costs more than many peoples' annual incomes, and explosive-tempered alcoholic club-rats from the east coast.

I do have to admit, I'd like to steal this item from the list on the Buried Life for my bucket list. That would be fun.

On the plus side, I will say that my list is probably not as milque-toast and cliche as the one featured in the 2007 box-office hit of dubious critical acclaim, The Bucket List. I mean, those guys' number one item was "witness something truly majestic." Urrmmphh. Excuse me, I just threw up a little in my mouth, and I also think I just caught diabetes.

No, my list falls somewhere in between. It's somewhat humble, yet honest. It's probably one of the most honest things you'll read on this blog, except for my crippling fear of gargantuan cephalopods such as this one, my horrible driving habits, and my inability to dance without looking like an epileptic robot. Some things may be lame, some may be shallow, some may be unattainable. But in the end, is not the trifecta of these three types of dreams what makes each and every one of us human?

Hey, I'm asking you a question.

Anyway, here are some more items from the list, and their corresponding numbers on the list. Feel free to add, critique, share your own, etc. These are our lives we're talkin about, maaaan! Let's start living.

• 13: Zorb During a Tsunami

For those of you that don't know what zorbing is, it's this. It's basically one of the coolest things EVER, hands down. You roll around in this giant clear sphere. A lot of people do it on hills, basically is like sledding on crack and sounds tight. I mean, seriously, these things are so cool, I would do it all the time. I would roll around in one on the streets. However, I want to take it to the next level and do it in a tsunami. This sounds crazy, but you're in a zorb, and therefore cannot be hurt in any way, no matter what amount of force hits you. At least that's how I understand the physics of it.

• 3: Have a Legit Spit Take

This one is very high on my list, as you can see. For those of you who don't know what a spit-take is, it is when you take a sip of some beverage, and by some crazy coincidence, someone you are with just so happens at that exact second to reveal some piece of shocking news. Look here for a typical example. I want to do this before I die. I try to constantly keep a beverage with me and begin sipping the instant I hear someone talking. People think it's because I'm dehydrated, but I really do it in the unlikely event that they are about to tell me that they're marrying their cousin, or that there is no God. This would be my ideal. (Wait or seek forward to minute 1:30--well worth the wait).

• 23: Grunt a Worm

As hilarious as this name sounds, "grunting" a "worm" is really just putting a wooden dowel into some dirt, and hitting it repeatedly with a tiny mallet until worms come to the surface, at which point you grab them, gingerly, lest they rip in half. Come to think of it, the real thing is about as hilarious as the name. Also, the word "worm" didn't actually need to be in parentheses. And by "parentheses," I mean "quotes." Goddamn punctuation. Anyway, worm grunting is a real profession or activity, most often used to collect bait for fishing. However, apparently people do it as a competitive sport as well. I'm not aspiring to those levels however. I merely want to grunt one worm. 

• 7: Slay a Giant Squid by Hurling a Harpoon Into Its Giant, Disgusting Eye

This shouldn't warrant that much explanation, as most anyone who is a basic acquaintance of mine knows that the mere thought of giant squid makes me brown my trousers (I mean figuratively . . . .or do I?). Thus, I would really, really like to kill one before I die. An added bonus would be to not die via giant squid, though something deep within me tells me this is how I am going to go. That or get gunned down driving a hijacked Coca-Cola truck for the border of Mexico. Anyway, if I'm going to be eaten by a giant squid, I'd at least like to take one of those bastards down with me.

• 63: Write a Novel, Movie, or TV Show, or Write Something That Vaguely References a Novel, Movie, or TV Show at Some Point

As you can see, I've checked this one off already. As you can also see, I made this one easier on myself by providing a pretty big loophole.

Well, that's it for now. Remember, I'll always be with you all. Not in that creepy Mufasa way, but more in a good-will sort of way.

Mikee P

The Best of The "What It Is Suckafish Blog", i.e. Greatest Hits

Are you kidding me?

You actually think there would, or could be a "best of" or "greatest hits" installment of this blog? It's only been around for, like, a year, and it's not even good! Dream on, reader. Thanks for playing along and coming here to check it out, though.

Well, to be honest, I wasted all of my creativity on that one fake-out title idea. Plus I'm going out of town for Thanksgiving, so I'm kinda distracted and rushed.

So, I guess that's it for today. Have a good holiday--try to avoid any physical confrontations with your family, I'm told the tryptophan in turkey is a real rage-inducer. At least the turkey I ate growing up.

Wait, what? I'm sorry, I'm being informed right now that tryptophan actually makes you tired and sluggish. I guess my mom must have been spiking our turkey with steroids all those years. That would explain my squeaky voice and acne outbreak around the age of 12.

I'm sorry, I'm being told that that was most likely just puberty.

Anyway, Happy Thanksgiving, or whatever the wiccan equivalent is to those of you out there who swing that way. More What-It-Is to come at you next week!

MikeeP

ENDGAME: My Life Was Better Before Law School Because I Never Knew These Words/Phrases Existed

And so it's come to this.

We have arrived at what might very well be the last installment of THE "My Life Was Better Before Law School Because I Never Knew These Words/Phrases Existed" LIST.

This is potentially an emotional moment. Will you shed a tear for the end of an era? I know I won't. I made it pretty clear yesterday how I feel about feelings: I don't. Except when it comes to seeing Rachel McAdams on the silver screen. (Damn you, Rachel McAdams, you are my kryptonite!)

Before we enter Endgame, let's take a moment to reflect. What did we learn the past few days?

We learned a lot about me: if I get Alzheimer's, I'm going to be shaving some monkeys, I go to Lamaze classes for the free ice chips, and my Reef sandals are haunted by the restless spirits of dead law school notes.

Let's see. . . . what else. . . .well, we learned that Trinity dies towards the end of the 3rd Matrix movie, but President Bartlet doesn't die in the West Wing. . . . or does he?? (he doesn't).

We also learned a lot about the law. What exactly, I don't know.

If we're to believe anything I've explained, then "the law" is a fantasyland clusterfuck where shit is upside down, wrong is right, people have selfish motives, the police aren't to be trusted, Latin has risen from the dead and wanders the Earth like a decaying, soulless zombie, corporate officers aren't accountable for their actions, people use giant sticks to defend their land and sue each other over contracts they've created entirely by mail, and maps are really boring. Basically, a bleak hellscape.

Thank God the world we live in is nothing like that. Can you imagine if we had to use Latin?

Well, that was some good reflecting time. If you will actually indulge me in two moments of earnestness (just two, I swear, and that's it), it sure has been fun writing about legal stuff the past few days. It's the first time I've done a "series" for blog posts, hell it's the first time I've been conscientious enough to post 4 days in a row since this imminent-trainwreck left the station. So thanks for sticking with me through the legalese. It's been some of the most fun stuff to write about, probably because something as dry and tedious as the law practically screams for humorous treatment lest it literally overtake your entire person and turn you into some kind of . . . law . .  . robot . . . guy. . . with no . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . imagination.

So I think I might be revisiting this topic more frequently as time goes on. That may be good news for some of you, and bad news for others. I'll let the 4 of you who actually read this decide for yourselves if you like it or not, but please know that I don't want to alienate anyone. On the contrary, I need to be loved by everyone, or else I just won't be able to even function. So PLEASE KEEP READING! DON'T LEAVE ME!

Ok, I think the earnestness dissipated about half-way into the first paragraph - I told you it would be brief.

Anyway, I think that provides a nice segueway into today's discussion of horrible legal words/phrases. You know what they say, save the best for last. I wish I had remembered that expression when I first started posting this series because honestly what's coming today, I gotta tell ya, is a real steaming pile of shit. I'm almost embarrassed to even publish this post. In fact, I don't know if I am going to.

So you got me there - you're reading this, I obviously already posted it, let's stop this cruel charade.

Thus, without any further stalling tactics, let me introduce the FINAL PORTION OF THE LIST by way of an apology. I am truly, sincerely, from the bottom of my heart, sorry for what you are about to read. It sucks. All right, let's get started!

• "Specific/General Intent" - In the world of criminal law, when you act, you might just intend to cause the "natural and probable result" of your actions. "That's general intent." But did you know that you might actually sometimes intend some further thing to occur? If this is the case, then you had "specific intent." If you're confused at this point, then congratulations, you are a human being! Nobody, nobody knows what the fuck the difference between "general intent" and "specific intent" is. If someone tells you that they know, then disregard anything they ever say or have said to you because they are full of shit. The entire legal world - attorneys, judges, professors, law students, clerks, stenographers, bailiffs, defendants, everyone - has been confused about them since they were coined as terms, even the jerk who coined them. And yet, they will always be around because everyone is too embarrassed to admit they have no idea what they mean and suggest we change them. Thus, we still use them today. 
• The good news - you can just ramble about them for a couple of minutes and whoever you are talking to will nod along knowingly, and won't dare contradict you because they will be thinking that you, unlike them, actually understand these terms. 
• More good news, if you commit a "specific intent" crime while you're drunk, you're not guilty!

• "Record Notice" - when you should have looked at every potential record in existence to see if someone has an easement on land you buy, or if someone else actually owns the land you buy. Basically, if there is a piece of paper out there that might say something about your land, then you are considered "on record notice" of whatever it is. The lesson here: carefully review every piece of paper in the world when you are purchasing new land. 

• "Narrowly Tailored to Meet a Compelling Govt Interest" - how you know if a government action or regulation meets the "strict scrutiny" test of constitutionality. Now let us never, ever speak of this phrase again. 

• "Eminent Domain" - when the government decides it wants to take your land, so they make you move, take your shit, and throw you "fair compensation" (i.e. 50% of the fair market value), without a care or in the world as to where you are going to live now. Geez, the government is a real dick. 

• "Riparian Owner" - under the system of "riparian water rights," everyone who borders water is a "riparian owner" of the water, and can make reasonable use of the water. This stands in stark contrast to the rule of "prior appropriation" for water rights, whereby whoever can grab the most water first, regardless of whether they will actually need or use it, owns that water and sucks to be anyone else who might be thirsty or need a shower. If you're for "riparian water rights," then go back to Soviet Russia, you commie pinko bastard.  

• "Search Incident to Arrest" - when the police arrest you, they are entitled to search your person and the area immediately surrounding you in case you are hiding a gun, knife, shiv, shank, mace, taser, brass knuckles, baseball bat, screwdriver, whip, chain, cattle prod, battle ax, boomerang, throwing stars, grenade, spear, sword, rapier, dagger, katana, machete, bow staff, barbed-wire-wrapped-around-a-board, nunchucks, chainsaw, nail gun, hammer, car battery-hooked-up-to-jumper-cables, malatov cocktail, garden sheers, bazooka, rusty nail, mid-range-nuclear-warhead, tank, stealth-bomber, or "fee simple", which you might run and grab after you wrestle free and get out of your handcuffs before the trained police officers are able to stop you. It's for the officer's safety. Oh, also, the cops use this as an excuse to find miniscule amounts of weed in your pocket so they can add another charge so the DA has more leverage in the plea negotiations, and contribute to the already unsustainable state of overcrowded prisons. But it's mostly about the weapons and officer safety.

• "Eggshell Plaintiff" - this concept was introduced into the legal world after a harrowing incident when a certain individual, which for privacy reasons shall remain anonymous, had the grave misfortune of having a great fall from a wall on which he was sitting. This poor bastard didn't have a chance, not even the top horses in the kingdom could save him. R.I.P. 

• "CP/SP" - these abbreves here stand for "community property" and "separate property" respectively. They have to do with how a court will deal with the stuff you will acquire when you get married. You should probably save yourself the headache of learning these terms and just never get married. 

• "Diminished Capacity" - a state in which I spent most of my college years, UP TOP! Anyone? No?

• "Excited Utterance" - Another exception to the "hearsay" rule. This one is a little complicated, so I'm gonna take it slow. This is a statement that  you . . . how should I put this . . . ."utter" . . . . . when you are in a state of hmm, what's a good word . . . . "excitement." No, there's no catch, it's really that straightforward. Pinky swear. 

• "Diversity Jx" - Remember a couple days ago when I told you that killing yourself via that rusty, greasy machine from the movie Saw that is basically a reverse bear-trap that rips your jaw apart was less painful than trying to understand when a court has jx over a case? Well, welcome to Saw II baby! See, what I haven't told you yet, is that there are actually 2 different kinds of jx that you have to show before the court can actually take action. There's "personal jx", which has to do with those "minimum contacts" I mentioned a while ago (which comes from famous case called International Shoe--hrrmmph. . . . oh, excuse me, I just threw up a little in my mouth). But there's also "subject matter jx." And under "subject matter jx," there's 2 different kinds of ways to show jx, "federal question", or "diversity jx." So, the requirements for "diversity jx" are: 1) the suit must arise from a controversy between "citizens" of different states, and 2) must be for a matter of $75K or more. Now, there are a couple of ways to show which state someone is a "citizen" of. First, you . . . . . . HEY! WAIT! WHERE ARE YOU GOING??? WHY ARE YOU RUNNING SO FAST??? I HAVEN'T EVEN GOTTEN TO THE RULES OF COMPULSORY JOINDER THAT CAN DESTROY DIVERSITY JX!!!! THERE'S ONLY FOUR SUB-RULES THAT APPLY THERE, AND THEY'RE REALLY QUITE FASCINATING ONCE YOU GET INTO THEM. WHY ARE YOU FLIPPING ME OFF??

Well, that about wraps things up. 

What did I tell you, just real shoddy, bad stuff today. 

But that doesn't mean that there's not still a take-away message about the law embedded in all of these posts. I guess if I wanted you to take away one thing about "the law" from these blog posts, I think it would be . . .  wait. Did you just hear that? Sush up for a second. That. Right there. You don't hear that? Hmm must be my imagination. 

So, back to the take-away, if I wanted you to take away one thing about "the law" from this blog, it would be--hey look a quarter! Cool, I'm only 2 quarters away from being able to dry a load of laundry!

Anyway, what was I saying? Oh ya, if I wanted you to take away one thing about "the law" from this blog, it would be. . . dammit, I lost my train of thought. Sorry. Ok, we got Endgame. . . . Trinity dies . . . .ice chips . . . Latin-zombie . . . malatov cocktail . . . diversity jx. . . nope, sorry I'm drawing a blank here. 

So it seems the take-away from these past few days is: nothing. There was no point to all of this. Just killin some time before the Bar results come out. This is a time-wasting blog, after all.

At any rate, I hope it was mildly entertaining. I know I had a good time. Too bad it just kinda abruptly ended like this, though. Kinda anticlimactic, no real closure at all. Huh. Oh well. Goodbye. 

MikeeP

PS Best of luck to everyone reading this who is awaiting Bar results, especially anyone from USF School of Law. I have my fingers crossed for all of you, and hope to be drinking a toast to good news for everyone at 6pm tonight!

Sub-Section C of (drumrolllllll): My Life Was Better Before Law School Because I Never Knew These Words/Phrases Existed

Well hello. What have we here? You are lookin' fine tonight, sweet thang. I do believe I would use a "fee simple" to fight for your love. Awww yeah. Wait. Shhhh. Do you hear that? That's the sound of my heart skipping a beat. Hey, let me ask you a question, and be honest. Do you like pina coladas? 

Woah, woah, where am I? What just happened? Sorry about that. I was just sitting here, with the lights all dim, sipping on some fine Hennessy, listening to some Barry White with The Notebook playing on TV in the background, and I must have gotten a little too "in the mood" there and didn't realize I was inadvertently hitting on my readers. Why would I want to listen to music when I have the TV on you ask? 'Cause I like to party. 

And if you are gonna talk shit about watching The Notebook, you obviously don't appreciate the beauty and depth of feeling of a love story that transcends time and speaks to the romantic inside all of us  . . . Ok, I'm gonna level with you here. I wasn't really watching The Notebook.  I was watching Tosh.O and he was showing a video of body builders sitting in a tub, wearing speedos, and one was tickling the other's foot and they were both giggling like schoolgirls. Po-tay-to, po-tah-to.  

No but seriously, I once watched The Notebook, and my heart almost exploded from an oversurge of emotions. And I'm not an emotional guy. I didn't cry when Han Solo got frozen in carbonite, when Harry took AJ's place to sacrifice himself to blow up the meteor, when that hunter shot Bambi's mom, or when Trinity dies (HILARIOUS!). I didn't even flinch when President Bartlet was assassinated in Season 5 of the West Wing (sorry for the spoiler, those of you who were working your way through the series). 

Just kidding about Bartlet. He doesn't die until Season 6. 

PSYCHE! Don't worry. I can't remember when he dies. 

No, no, no, he doesn't die, he's Martin Sheen for God's sake. Cripes. But ya, The Notebook, talk about a wave of feelings. You know the only thing more emotional than watching The Notebook? Watching Nights In Rodanthe and then The Notebook BACK TO BACK! I did that. I know, crazy, right? I sobbed for 3 days straight, including one whole day of work. Luckily my bosses thought I had just gotten back from a funeral, cause I think I told them I was going to one so I could get out of work a couple days before. 

Anyway, ever since then, I haven't been able to watch a movie with Rachel McAdams without crying like a baby. It's really awkward watching Wedding Crashers with my friends because I burst into tears every time she is on screen.

Anyway, before I start getting misty here, I'm sure the real reason you're here is to read about some more legal words that haunt my sole. That wasn't a typo. These words haunt the sole of my flip flop because one day I threw my law school notes on the ground and stomped on them in an insane rage because I was so fed up trying to wrap my ahead around all that bullplop, so, on top of everything else, I have haunted Reefs.  

Where was I? Oh yes. Words. Legal ones. Learning them. Do you want to? I think I know the answer to that. HELL NO! Well, guess what, we're going to anyway because we have to. Just think about all of the boring conversations you'll be able to have with people at cocktail parties and luncheons after this series is over. I know I have them. . . . . . . . . . a lot. 

So, let's get to it. Don't worry, It'll be as quick and painless as ripping off a band-aid. A band-aid made out of duct tape. That's covering a patch of pubic hair. Ok, thumbs up guys, PART C, let's do this!!   

• "IIED"--also known by its full name, Intentional Infliction of Emotional Distress. It's proved by showing that the person "intentionally or recklessly" engaged in "extreme and outrageous conduct" that resulted in "severe emotional distress." How do you know if the "conduct" was "extreme and outrageous"? Well, it makes you stand up and say "that's outrageous!" Not a joke. Some judge wrote that as the legal standard for determining if conduct is extreme and outrageous. So, technically, nothing in real life qualifies, because who yells "that's outrageous!" when they see something, even if it is? If that's the standard, then I guess the closes thing to actually qualifying that I can think of is a spider monkey being an adult at 3 years old. (Wait for minute 1:27).  

• "Contributory Negligence"--remember negligence from yesterday's post? It's when you breach a duty (hehe). But sometimes, the injured person is just as big of a careless moron as the rich person they are blaming for their injury. Used to be that if this was the case, the injured person got jack squat. Now, they just get their money reduced by whatever percentage the jury finds they were at fault. Isn't that nice? They share! Everyone hold hands, and let's sing a round. I'll start. Kumbayaaaaa my looorrrrd. . . . 

• "Corporate Veil"--Did you know that corporations are people? That's right - they have freedom of speech rights, can enter contracts, sue or be sued, and they even poop (everyone does). Well, since corporations are people, when "they" do something wrong the corporation itself needs to be held accountable, not the poor, helpless CEOs and Directors. That wouldn't be fair. The "corporate veil" is a thin layer of netting material, usually white, that corporate officers and directors hide behind so they can't get in trouble for the bad things they do. But if you pierce the veil, then they are liable to pay all the money they owe, and hoooooooo boy, you know what that means. Government bailout!

• "Parol Evidence"--I know what you're thinking. Go on, say it. EHHHHHHHH WRONG! It's not evidence you present at a parol (which is actually spelled p-a-r-o-l-E) hearing. I thought the exact same thing. Good guess, though. Parol-without-the-e Evidence is actually some boring crap that has to do with something like trying to introduce evidence that's not a part of a written contract, but who the hell can keep track of these things when we have to prepare for our parole hearings? 

• "Respondeat Superior"--uh . . . um . . . see the thing about this is . . . . HEY! LOOK OVER THERE! (rapid footsteps down stairs, car engine starting and peeling away).

• "Present Sense Impression"--This is an exception to the "hearsay" rule we discussed on day 1. A "present sense impression" is a "statement describing an event made while the declarant (remember that one?) was perceiving the event." Basically, this rule stands for the notion that, if someone makes a statement about something while that something is happening, then the statement's probably reliable to use as evidence even if the person isn't testifying to it under oath. What this means for you is, if you ever get attacked, you should immediately start narrating in great detail. This may get harder the more savagely you get beaten, but try to keep it up--it could be well worth it down the road as evidence. Here's an example to get you started: "Hey Bob, I see that you are walking into the room rather quickly and brandishing a wooden baseball bat. Your face is flushed and you appear perturbed. You are saying to me that you know I slept with your wife. Now you are yelling at me to stop saying everything that you are saying, and to be a man and admit that I slept with your wife. Now you look really angry. Furious, actually. I'd even venture to say you look insane with rage. You are running at me at a rapid pace, and you appear to be winding up for a swing. Now you are swinging the bat at my head at full spe--" See, if someone heard you say all that, they could introduce it as evidence against Bob, even though it's hearsay. Learning is fun, huh?

• "Reasonable Suspicion that Criminal Activity Was Afoot"--It sounds like something Sherlock Holmes used to say to dear old Watson, once his heightened senses perceived a clue, but it's really just the excuse cops have to give when they feel you up. 

• "K" - For some inexplicable reason, this is the standard abbreviation used in law school for the word "contract." I don't really see it. True, "K" has the same aspirated sound when you pronounce it like a hard "c", the one that starts "contract", but, I mean it's kind of a stretch if you ask me. As far as I know, "C" isn't some widely used law-related abbreve, so I don't know why they couldn't have just used that. Anyway, it's also a slang term for agreeing to something when you're kind of in a pissy mood. ("Will you please take out the trash? I've asked you five times." "K.")

• "Exigent Circumstances"--a catch-all phrase cops use when they did something illegal but want to be able to use the evidence they found anyway, usually preceded by rapid shifty eyes coupled with a sheepish grin, and a mischievous shrug. JUDGE: "Officer, why did you break in front door without a warrant and beat a confession out of that elderly woman without reading her her Miranda Rights?" OFFICER: (slight pause,  rapid shifty eyes, eyes light up) "Exigent circumstance?" (sheepish grin, and a mischievous shrug). Everyone shares a huge laughing session, the end credits music kicks in, and the frame freezes as the judge and the officer walk away, arms around each other, while the elderly lady struggles to lift herself from the ground.

• "Meets and Bounds"--Let's say you have a map. Your standard Mercator Projection. Now, zoom in approximately 1 gajillion times so that you are about at 2 levels above Google Street view so you are looking at a single plot of land. And stare at it. What's more tedious and boring than this? I'll tell you what--"meets and bounds." This is where, instead of staring at a map of land, you read a paragraph describing the land in exhaustive detail, with no pictures at all. ("Start at the southeastern-most corner of blah blah blah. Turn 45 degrees north-north-west. walk approximately 50 paces. . . . ") It's sort of like the world's lamest treasure hunt because when it's all over, you end up right where you started. And there's no treasure. And you're still in law school. Joke's on you! Hey, law school, if I wanted to learn cartography, I would have gone to the Magellan Institute of Circumnavigation. COUNT IT!

Well, we appear to have reached the end of yet another installment of THE LIST. And just when I was starting to get mildly engaged in the content. What did I tell you - like a band-aid right? We'll just be walking with limps for a couple of days.  

I know I'll see you tomorrow, so, let's not say goodbye. Let's just say, au revoir. No, let's say goodbye.

MikeeP

Part II: My Life Was Better Before Law School Because I Never Knew These Words/Phrases Existed

Wow. You're back. 

I didn't expect to see you again.

No, not you . . . you, on the left. 

I knew you would be back. You have geek written all over you. I mean please, the hair. . . the clothes  . . . the fact that you read this blog. . . I mean, it's like your mom went to a sperm bank and she picked out a donor cocktail that was one part Milhouse Van Houten, one part Doc from Back to the Future, and one part that guy who invented Facebook, and out popped you 9 months later. 7 if you were a premie. I've never seen a nerd as big as you and I once bought a 15lb box of Nerds from Costco. This law school stuff is probably like candy to you. Nerds candy. Ok, this analogy has gotten out of control.

But I didn't think you would have the stomach to come back for another round of Law School Words that I blissfully didn't know existed until 3 years ago but are now forever seared in my brain just like a brand on a bull's ass. You remember the title of this series is "my life was better . . . BEFORE . . . I knew these words", right? Either you have short term memory loss, or you are a glutton for punishment, either way, I'm concerned, and you should probably seek some therapy. 

 Anyway, both of you shut up for a minute and listen to ME now. This is my blog, I have the floor. Or the wall. What I was trying to say earlier is that I wasn't kidding yesterday when I said that it was going to be a 4-5 part mini-series of blog posts about horrible Law School Words. This is happening, and I'm actually about to start in on today's words in just a minute. Any of you sons of bitches have a problem with that, you GET THE HELL OUT OF HERE! 

Sorry, I just came back from a Lamaze Birthing Class, and I guess I picked up a little too much on what the instructor was saying. No, I wasn't there because I'm going to have a baby. I go for the free ice chips.

By the way, did you notice that I just recently figured out how to insert links into the text of my blog? 

Anyway, I was glad to hear, from some, that yesterday's post was both informative and stimulating, but I got some critiques as well. I think specifically, one person said, "MikeeP, I love you, but If I wanted to read something online written by a moron who is clearly just an attention whore and has what is obviously only an elementary grasp, if any, of the legal terminology they are discussing/using, I would follow myself on Twitter, you'betcha." Yes, that's right. Sarah Palin reads my blog.

Ok, you got me. She didn't actually write that. I knew you weren't fooled as soon as you realized that it was a coherent sentence. Here's some stuff she actually did say, though. She really does read my blog though, or so I'm told by what I consider to be credible sources (my neighbor's cat).  Hey, Pales (I call her "Pales"), I kid! Thanks for taking a break from reading the palm of your hand during speeches to read my blog. 

So, now that I got the biting political humor out of the way, I think we're ready for some more words. Please feel free to refer to yesterday's post if you want even more context. 

• "Fee Simple"--this does not mean an uncomplicated method of paying your lawyer for telling you if the court has jx in your case. Actually, a "fee simple" is a "stick" in the "bundle of property rights." It's the best stick because it has the sturdiest build and the least amount of knots. If you're lucky, sometimes it comes stained in a rich mahogany. It means that you own something for a perpetually infinite amount of time! Too bad you're mortal and going to have to face the fact that you will die one day. Anyway, until you do kick it, if anyone comes near the property you own in "fee simple", you can use this "stick" to bash them in the head, and the police are forbidden from doing anything about it (look it up, it's in the Constitution). For an even greater effect, try tying a pointy rock to the end. 

• "Equitable Servitude"--This is another simple one. This is nothing more than an agreement that you make with a neighbor to not do something on your land, such as start a nudist colony (something I'd never agree to). It's basically the exact same thing as a "real covenant." (haha! gotcha, that link didn't go anywhere on purpose).The only difference is when you sue someone for breaking an"equitable servitude", you can only sue them for injunctive relief, not damages, so don't mix the two up, dumbass. Oh, the other catch is that for an "equitable servitude" to be valid, it must "touch and concern the land." This sounds easy enough, but land, being the promiscuous hussy that it is, is rarely "concerned" when it is "touched." So, don't hold your breath on winning your lawsuit to enforce an "equitable servitude." 

• "Mailbox Rule"--this rule stands for the notion that, when 2 people are making a contract entirely by sending letters back and forth through the mail and never once meeting in person or speaking over the phone, or even by telegraph, one person has "accepted" an "offer" the MOMENT they dispatch the written acceptance, not when the person making the offer actually receives the acceptance. This rule only comes into play when one person is a total asshole and decides to legally hold you to the terms of a contract because they put a letter into the mailbox 2 minutes before you called them to tell them the deal was off. 

• "Minimum Contacts"--I always have trouble with this one. It's either the lowest possible prescription for your corrective lenses that you are allowed to wear when driving at night, or has something to do when you are trying to determine if a court has jx. Remember what I said yesterday about trying to understand when there is jx? Go get me that jaw-ripper thing from Saw and then kill yourself.

• "In Rem"--this comes from a famous case called Pennoyer v. Neff. Fuck that case.

• "Tort"--Recipe for Strawberry Tort: 

1 (16-ounce) package frozen strawberries, thawed

1 tablespoon cornstarch

2 (8-ounce) packages cream cheese

1 cup granulated sugar

2 teaspoons vanilla extract

2 cups (1 pint) whipping cream

2 (12-ounce) packages ladyfinger cookies

1. Strain strawberries and set aside, reserving juices. In a saucepan bring cornstarch and strawberry juice to a gentle boil. Remove from heat and let cool.
2. Beat cream cheese, sugar, and vanilla together until smooth. In a separate bowl beat whipping cream until stiff peaks form. Fold whipped cream into cream cheese mixture.
3. Arrange ladyfingers around sides and bottom of the 8 or 9-inchspringform pan, standing ladyfingers lengthwise around sides of pan.Pour half the filling into pan, then place a layer of ladyfingers on top of filling. Pour remaining filling over ladyfingers. Spread strawberry sauce over top of cake and place the strawberries on top. Refrigerate for several hours before removing from pan.

Makes 8 servings.

• "Tortfeasor"--this is someone who commits a "tort," so also kind of like a pastry chef. Also known by some as a "tartfeasor." 

• "Remittur/Additur"--this is a process by which a judge tells the jury, "hey, I know you agreed to not go to work for four months so you could sit here and listen to scientists, (who have a personality like Ben Stein in Ferris Beuller, but real), drone for hours upon hours about the seepage rates of tetracycline for only $1 a day, and I know you then deliberated for 32 hours in order to decide on the amount of money this defendant should pay for poisoning these kids based on some complicated law, but I'm gonna just erase your verdict and tell them to pay what I think is fair. Thanks for stoppin' by, though. You were great!"

• "Proximate Cause"--See, in the law of "tarts", excuse me, "torts," someone who gets hurt sues the person with the most money who is at least tangentially connected to the accident (cause everyone knows, no pain reliever in the world compares with gettin' paid, yo!). Anyway, to determine if the person with the most money is "responsible" for the injury caused, you, as the attorney, first have to decide whether the rich person was negligent. You do this by determining if they owed the person who got hurt a "duty of care." If they did owe a duty (hehe, doodie), then you have to decide whether they breached that duty (hehe, doodie). If they did breach the duty, then they were negligent. Then, you have to decide if the person-with-money's breach of duty (hehe, doodie) was the "cause-in-fact" of the hurt person's injury. THEN you have to decide if the breach of duty was the "proximate cause" of the injury. It's basically like saying, "are you sure they caused the injury? Are you really sure? No, are you like totally, seriously, 100% sure? Like positive? Positive positive? For realsies?"  

• "Wanton Disregard"--a terrible, yet all-too-common tragedy that occurs when you order 3 entrees of Chinese take-out, and forget all about the fried crab wantons until you are too stuffed to eat another bite. It's rumored that if you wait 1 hour, you'll be hungry again and stop disregarding your wanton. MMMMMM, waaanntooonnn. Unfortunately, by that time it will be cold. 

That about wraps it up for Part II of the LIST. Boy, I don't know about you, but I could really use some pastries and Chinese food right about now. That always happens to me after thinking about the law. All I know is if any of you moochers get near my law-food, I'll be bashing you with my fee simple stick. 

In any case, I'll see you tomorrow. If I see you, then I'll know that you're the kind of person who, when they get kicked in the nuts, they lean into it. Until then, I'm off to Lamaze to get me some more ice chips. 

PLAY ME OUT, PALES!!

MikeeP

My Life Was Better Before Law School Because I Never Knew These Words/Phrases Existed

As some of you may know, and as the rest of you are going to know unless you stop reading now, I, for some inexplicable reason, went to law school.

I also, for some reason, stuck it out and graduated this spring.

Why, you ask? I don't know. Why did you finish all of those Power Hours in college?  Why did Warner Bros. finish making the third Matrix movie?

Because some things sound like a good idea at the outset, and after a certain point you're committed and it's better to push through than back out, even if you're only at minute 37 and you've already puked up all of the shots of Steel Reserve you drank, or even though the plot is so convoluted and the acting has gotten so shitty that the audience laughs their asses off when Trinity dies. 

It's like streaking during church - by the time you're butt-naked wearing nothing but your dress socks, standing there your khakis ares down around your ankles, and the decon has already turned around and seen your junk and screamed, you're gonna look like a bigger asshole if you don't follow through, so you might as well take a lap up to the alter, do a little "windmill" and "painting the fence," and ask for forgiveness later.     

Anyway, that nicely circles me back to what I was saying earlier. I also for some reason took the Bar Exam in July, and although I surbibed with only tribial blain damblage, the results come out this Friday, and I have been thinking about law school stuff that I had stuffed into dark corners of my brain the minute the exam finished on July 29.

One night back when I was studying for the exam, after I had been in the library for the 7th hour on the 53rd day of study and was desperate to do anything other than continue memorizing latin and 7-part factor tests, I started a list of words and phrases that, as a horrible consequence of sticking out law school, I now know, and cannot ever un-know, no matter how much I drink.

In honor of this being the week that bar results come out, I've decided to share this list with you. These are words that I have stuck in my head for the rest of my life unless, God-willing, I get early onset dementia and start believing that I am a space ninja sent to Earth from a parallel universe to save the monkeys that have been infected with a nearly incurable specie of lice. In that case, I will have no use for these words, I will most likely have forgotten them, as all I will care about is finding out where I can get my hands on a pair of salon-grade trimmers so I can shave all of the monkeys in the world lest they be doomed to be itching their shoulders and butt-holes their whole lives. 

Most of these words rightfully sound like complete jibberish to a normal person. So, I might throw in some helpful explanations here and there to give you some context by which to understand them. Who knows, after you're done you might say the hell with getting a lawyer the next time you're arrested for indecent exposure for streaking in a church and decide to represent yourself using one or all of these words/phrases. The judge might even appreciate your attempt to use the jargon of her profession before she charges you with contempt and adds a few more months to your sentence. 

And hey, when you're in your cell, if you find yourself bored, you can simply recite the list of words out loud to keep yourself entertained. Plus then the other inmates might think you're insane, maybe insane enough to do something dangerous and unpredictable. Then they might leave you alone. You can look back fondly on this blog and silently thank it for helping you avoid becoming Bubba's bitch. 

If you already know what these words and phrases mean, I'm sorry. I'm sorry that you're a nerd. 

Oh, by the way, the list I made was 42 words/phrases long, and those were just the ones that I could think of off the top of my head that one day I was bored in the law school library. There are many, many, many more. So, instead of inundating you with 42 words an explanations, I  have decided to break up this list into a 4-5 day mini-series. It will save both of us some sanity, and it will also allow me to write 4-5 blog entries without thinking of a new topic. In other words, everyone wins, especially me. But especially you. 

Anyway, without further ado, I present PART ONE of the "MY LIFE WAS BETTER BEFORE LAW SCHOOL BECAUSE I NEVER KNEW THESE WORDS/PHRASES EXISTED" LIST:

• "Jx"--probably the worst of the entire list for many reasons, not the least of which being that you have to use it in just about every class you take. It's shorthand for "jurisdiction." Why is jurisdiction so important, you ask? Because without it, a court can't do shit in a particular case. How do you know if a court has jx? I'll save you the trouble and tell you to just go kill yourself now. And please kill me while you're at it, preferably in a way that's less painful than trying to understand when a court has jx. Like that mask from Saw that pulls your jaw apart. 

• "Decendent"--a fancy-pants way of saying "dead person."

• "Pretermitted"--this one is relatively straightforward. A baby could grasp it. If someone is "pretermitted", they are most likely a potential heir or beneficiary that was inadvertently omitted by a testator in the creation of a valid holographic will. This might necessitate a "codicil" to correct. See, simple, right?

• "Codicil"--see above. No other explanation needed. 

• "Joinder"--identical twins whose bodies are joined in utero. A rare phenomenon, the occurrence is estimated to range from 1/50,000 to 1/100,000 with a somewhat higher incidence in Southeast Asia and Africa. Wait, sorry. That's "conjoined twins". I forget what "joinder" means. Something legal-y.

• "Res Judicata"--this is where you have, like, a case  . . . and there was a case before it . . . and they decided the case . . . but someone else is trying to bring a case . . . and so they can't bring it . . . because . . . Goddamn I shouldn't have drank so much my first year. 

• "Promissory Estoppel/Detrimental Reliance"--Oh boy, it's a horrible fact of life that if you go to law school you will learn the word "estoppel." Here is a fun thing about "estoppel": it's used in every area of law, but it always means something slightly different. So you are never sure what someone is talking about when they say "estoppel." Neat, huh? Another interesting fact: the word "estoppel" is not recognized by Microsoft Word spell check. It auto-corrects it to "estoppels." What the fuck is an "estoppels", you ask? I don't know. They were afraid to tell me.  Also, it never gets old when people say " please estop that", even when it's been said 9,853 times before. Never.

• "Extrinsic Evidence"--this is evidence that's not intrinsic. Duh.

• "Forum Non Conveniens"--this is just a fancy way to say "inconvenient forum." That just means that the case shouldn't be heard in a particular court, but some asshole decided it would be cute to put in in the terms of a dead language so that everyone has to say "Excuse me?" the first time they hear it, and then nod their head knowingly and say "ohhhh" while not really understanding the second time they hear it. Don't mix this up with jx though, it has nothing to do with jx--they are separate doctrines. God have mercy on you then.

• "Subpoena Duces Tecum"--a subpoena for you to bring physical evidence. "Duces" means "thing", and "tecum" means "take-em," as in "take them," as in "I'm going to take them things from you." It is rumored that this phrase comes from Native Americans, though attempts to verify this rumor have resulted in a sharp increase in hurt feelings, so it's better to just chalk it up to Latin like all the other weird sounding phrases. Oh, and a "supboena" is like a shitty annoying bossy piece of paper that you have to listen to or else bad things happen to you. Sort of like a fortune cookie. 

• "Declarant"--a "dude" who "talks." This word is used in discussing the meaning of "hearsay" evidence. If you're curious what "hearsay" is because it gets thrown around a lot in TV and movies, the literal, actual definition of "hearsay" in the Evidence Code is this: "a statement, other than the one made by the declarant when testifying at trial, offered into evidence to prove the truth of the matter asserted." Hearsay cannot be offered as evidence. Not too bad, right? Oh except you have to define "statement." and who the "declarant" is. And whether the "statement" was "offered" to "prove the truth of the matter asserted." And sometimes, hearsay isn't hearsay, so the "statement" can be "offered" even if it is "to prove the truth of the matter asserted." Also there's at least 15 hearsay exceptions that you have to MEMORIZE for every test you ever take on it. Have fun with that. Also, "declarant" is not recognized by Word either. That should tell you something.

• "Affiant"--sort of like a declarant, except they are swearing to the truth of shit in a warrant. This means, if you ever are searched by the police who come to your house with a warrant, you are going to want to find the "affiant" and ask what the fuck you ever did to them. Also, no one knows whether it's pronounced "AFF-ee-yant" or "aff-EYE-ant," not even that judge from The Wire. 

Anyway, that about does it for PART ONE of this LIST. If your head is hurting right now, I don't blame you, but keep your damn whining to yourself. I have at least 30 more of these words, and their definitions, in my head, and I had to keep them straight and regurgitate them onto a page (not literally though, thankfully). I'm not saying that to impress you. I don't want your admiration any more than I want your pity, your money, or your first born sons. All I want is to make you share some of my pain and have to carry the burden of knowing some of these God-awful words. And also your money.

And in that sense, I've succeeded. You now know 12 of words that I had to learn in law school. We suffer together. The past is the past, and I don't have a time machine (yet), so I can't go back and not have gone to law school. Just like you can't go back and not have read this blog. You're already committed, so you might as well keep reading. 

See you tomorrow for more learnd-ing!

Affectionately yours (and my yours, I mean mine),

MikeeP

No English

If you are going to a country where you don't speak the language, there are some important phrases you need to learn.

If this applies to you, you are in luck! For I have contemplated and come up with a list of what I consider to be some of the most important phrases. Here is the problem, however--I don't know where you are traveling. Or if you are traveling at all. Or even specifically who you are--to me as I write this, you are really just a hypothetical potential reader (I mean that in the most affectionate way possible).

Therefore, the ball is in your court to translate them into whatever language applies--Spanish, German, Portuguese, Russian, Japanese, Cantonese, Lithuanian, Hindi, Arabic, Dutch, Czech, Icelandic, Swahili,  Canadian (very similar to English, but you have to add in an "eh" about every other word), Pig Latin, Elvin, or even the Binary Language of Moisture Vaporators (or even Binary Load Lifters--very similar to Vaporators in most respects). 

Or French, but who the fuck wants the taste of that language in their mouth.

Whatever language you need for whatever place you are headed, here is a website that will help you translate.  You might want to try translating some of the phrases now, if you need some time to kill. http://www.worldlingo.com/products_services/worldlingo_translator.html

So, without further ado here are what I consider to be the 28 most important phrases you will need to know in the native language of wherever you go: 

"Hello."

"What is your name?"

"My name is Brad Pitt." 

"I know, I look much smaller in person. But I swear--I'm him."

"How are you?" 

"I am fine." 

"I know, you didn't ask, but I am having an unusually good day so I thought I would tell you. What do you mean go fuck myself?" 

"Excuse me, I am not from here. Is there some reason why all of the women have hairy armpits?"  

"Are you sure a strip-search is necessary?"

"Yes, I have my passport--it's in my backpack."

"Who unzipped my backpack? Hey! Stop!! Someone stop that guy--he stole my passport!!"

"Where is the bathroom? I think I feel something poking out."

"Oh, another cathedral. Wow." 

"Oh yeah, you're right, the columns in this one really are slightly more Romanesque than the other 3. Hey, is there a pub around here?"

"Why is this beer flat? You mean it's supposed to taste like this?"

"This tastes great. What is in this? Dog, you say? Hmm. Oh, nothing, I'm just looking for my vomit bag."

"What interesting weather. Do the rivers usually flood the village up to waist level?"

"Oh my, I am so embarrassed. I thought all beaches here were nude beaches. By the way, do you happen to which brand of aloe vera works best for butt cheeks?"

"How much? Are you serious? No, that is too much for a bribe." 

"I love you. No, really, I mean it."

"Good morning! Um, you're going to think this is so shallow, but what was your name again?"

"This hostel has some really nice rooms. I didn't know that they could fit 20 single beds in this small of a space."

"How far is this hostel from the center of town? 30 miles? Mother-f*%#$#!!"

"Wow this building is really tall. How high up are we? Like 56 stories? Wow, what would happen if I dropped a penny off the ledge? Relax, I'm not gonna . . . oh shit, I dropped it. Oh wow, even from this high up you can see a lot of blood." 

"Interesting, I've never seen AK-47's this close up before. Can you please stop pointing that in my face? What? Oh, ok, I'll get in the car with you. Where are we going?"

"This is really embarrassing, but this lion seems to be chewing on my leg. Any suggestions?"

"I'm sorry officer, I swear I didn't know she was a hooker. What do you mean he?!"

"Fuck this place, I'm going home and never leaving again!"

And, the most important phrase you will need to learn, because it will come in useful if you don't learn any of the rest of the list: "I don't speak [insert language here]. Except for that. And that. And that."

Anyway, I hope you find these phrases as useful as I did when I traveled. Just kidding, I didn't use them. All of them, anyway. Or did I?

Have a safe flight, and I'll see you when, or if, you return to Amurrica.

Mikee P

By the way, if you have some time, which I know you do since you are reading this, check these out:

Absolutely hilarious video: http://www.hulu.com/watch/116580/saturday-night-live-lawrence-welk-show---winter

Awesome time waster: http://www.reddit.com/

How I wish I could spend my days at work: http://www.dula.tv/watch.php?file=paul-rudds-computer.flv

Some of the best critics and reviews of all your favorite film, TV, music, books, and games: http://www.avclub.com/

Body Farts and Other Weird Things About Working Out. Also, Human Nature and Alien Nerds

So I'm sitting here watching my girlfriend and her friends do a video workout in our living room. Yes, this is my life.

Bleak as my existence might seem in this instance (thank you for your sympathy and I accept any mocking that you feel I deserve), the scenario before me actually makes me think a lot about human nature. I sometimes like to think about how alien anthropologists would look at our civilization and attempt to analyze and explain certain phenomena that crop up.

One example that comes to mind is Las Vegas. How would those extra terrestrials who have chosen to study homo sapiens on Earth view a cluster of poorly replicated wonders of ancient civilizations in the middle of a barren scorching desert? What cultural significance would they read into our species' developers erecting the Sphinx and Pyramid of Giza right next to a cartoon version of Camelot (complete with a Krispy Kreme inside!), catty corner to the Eiffel Tower, and right down the street from the Grand Canal of Venice (with the notable addition of a wax museum), and mere blocks away from a bizzarro version of the Space Needle with a roller coaster on top?

 (Tangent: it's catty corner, NOT kitty corner, I will literally physically fight anyone on this. Go ahead and take a run at me if you are feeling strong.)

Amazingly, this ties back in to my lame-ass life, sitting in my living room having my many, many favorite TV shows trumped by the gf and her amigas doing video aerobics. Another example, and the original thing I meant to write about in this post: what would alien PhD's interpret about human beings' need to work out?

I know that working out is a "healthy" thing to do, and I do it, begrudgingly. However, for some reason, the sight of people, including (or especially) myself, working out is hilarious to me. For a long time, I had a hard time starting a workout routine because the thought of myself working out was too ridiculous, or maybe because I was too self-conscious because I would think that other people watching me work out would laugh (rightly so--World Bodybuilding Champion, I am not). There is just something funny about a person standing in one spot, lifting weights up and down several times in a row, or stretching into odd contortions on a yoga mat, or dancing in place in front of a television set.

Beyond the sight of working out being funny, there are several other things about working out that are just awkward, such as body farts. I'm not taking about actual farts, which of course everyone agrees, are awkward enough to let slip out while doing squat thrusts. I'm talking about body farts, like the ones that some people can do by putting their hand under their armpits and flapping their arm.

How does a body fart (or "Arkansas Barking Spider" as it's known in scientific circles) occur while working out, you ask? As I said above, I have recently been making myself work out, although it is often against my will (it's a strange inner battle in which I cannot lose, but I still never win). One part of my "routine" if you can call it that, is ab crunches. As most of you know (and for the sake of the few of you out there that are more workout ignorant than me), for crunches, you generally lie on a mat on the ground and raise your upper body towards the sky, or ceiling, or whatever is above you. According to science, this motion "crunches" your abs, which in technical terms, "makes your gut go away". Nothing so embarrassing so far.

Except that every once in a while my back creates a suction on the workout mat, so that when I raise my body up to do the crunches, it makes a sound that is just like . . . well, you know. Channel Number 2 at full volume. This is quite awkward. Especially when I am trying to make it up to 30 crunches, and this sound happens on every crunch. A casual listener standing, sitting, or crunching nearby might be led to rationally conclude that I was cutting the cheese 30 times in a row. Needless to say, I don't get many volunteers to be my spotters at the gym.

So what would those alien nerds write down and attempt to impart to their grad students in anthropology 101 classes on Mars (or Titan or Space-Earth or wherever their galactic universities are located) if they observed me working out and mistakenly concluded that I was tooting the backdoor trumpet 30 times while exercising?

They might conclude that I was engaging in classic anti-social behavior. Or, if they realized that I wasn't actually busting a grumpy, they might be led to believe that I was a moron to continue engaging in an activity that would make everyone near me want to leave. They would probably be right.

And they would be nerds, by the way. I mean, just because they are aliens, which is inherently badass, doesn't mean that some of them aren't grade A dorks. Seriously, people. Stop putting them up on a pedestal just because they are short, gray, and have giant eyes and heads.

Well, it looks like the video workout is over. So what did we learn tonight? We learned that alien scientists would find Las Vegas confusing, some aliens are nerds, and there are many, many synonyms for the word "fart." (if you perchance find out you want to know more, click here! http://www.heptune.com/fartword.html).

All in all, a good night.

MikeeP

Hopefully this is the beginning of a new string of posts. I have newfound free time now that school and the Bar is over, and there is always distraction to be had. You're never too old, educated or mature to waste time.

We'll Be Using a More Specific Meaning of "Moments" in a Jiffy

Have you ever noticed that it seems like a lot of people around nowadays seem to make cursory, meaningless observations and kind of speak in sort of vague, sweeping generalities, like, more-ish than, say, back in the day?

I stumbled upon this powerful insight into mankind, probably one of the grandest and most important of our generation, while drinking margaritas and trying to rent Wave Runners on the beach in Cabo San Lucas with my brother and sister about 4 or 5 years ago.

The profound nugget of universal truth and wisdom dawned on me while I was licking the salt off the plastic cup my margie had come in and contemplating what the jet-ski operator had said when we asked about renting--"Just one moment."

It was then I realized: what in the name of Buddha's jelly rolls is a "moment"?

This post might be able to shed some light the subject, but it might take a few moments. In a jiffy, however, we will have delved into the vaguaries of human speech, especially English, but especially all languages and hopefully determined whether these generalities are a good thing serving a useful purpose, or "no bueno," to borrow a lifeguarding term.

By the way, did you know that "jiffy" actually has a non-fake, scientific definition? I was discussing the concept of "moments" the other evening, and it was brought to my attention that a "jiffy" is a real thing, not just another vague expression--it began as a measurement of the speed of light, and originally was used to describe the time it took light to travel 1 centimeter, which, if you know anything about light, is a pretty f-ing short and fast interval of time.

You actually kind of have to wonder why they even bothered to come up with a measurement like that--how often do you need to describe something that occurred in the time it took light to travel 1 centimeter? Light travels at 299,792, 458 METERS per second, which according to math means it travels at 29,979,245,800 CENTIMETERS per second, which just seems like a useless time measurement. I mean, how often are you having a conversation, and you think to yourself, "damn, if only there were a word to describe this thing that happened to me that only took roughly 3.33564095 x e-11 seconds? If only there were a term out there!"

Well, turns out you're not alone. Some dude by the name of Gilbert Newton Lewis back in the year 1900 felt he had so many stories that took place in that short amount of time that he felt the need to coin a term for it, partly because he was a geek and partly because his listeners probably got tired of hearing him end his stories with, "and it only took 3.33564095 x e-11 seconds for me to show that Irish asshole exactly where he could stuff that railroad spike--I guess next time he'll think twice before sneaking into my home and looking through my wife's bloomers."

I know, the end of that story is out of context, and I agree, it sounds like an intriguing tale and we all want to hear the rest of it, but that is for another blog post. The point is that after he came up with the term, Lewis could just say it took him "a jiffy" to show the Irish asshole where to stuff the railroad spike.

And since then, we've all been throwing around the term "jiffy" to describe all of our stories that took place in a duration of time that most of our brains can't even comprehend. "Jiffy" also has been used to describe units of time in such fields as electronics, computers, and physics. If you want to know more about the term "jiffy", you are a nerd, but click here: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jiffy_(time).

Anyway, sorry I digressed for a moment. Or a few moments.

As I was saying, the word "moment" comes up a lot in conversation, especially, it seems, in the service industry. We've all heard waiters,  tech support operators, magicians, bank tellers, butlers,  M.C.'s, window washers, tailors, and the robotic voices who answer when you call to check your credit card balance, say the words "in a few moments," or, "one moment please."

Let's start there. What is the difference between "a few moments," and "one moment?" When do they know when one moment is not enough, and a few are actually needed? I guess at some point, one moment is insufficient time, and the task at hand can only be accomplished in a few whole moments.

This raises another question: why does it always have to jump from "one" moment to "a few" moments? Does no task in the human repitoire take exactly 2 moments? Or even when it's going to take 2+ moments, why is no one ever more specific than "a few?" Why not 3, or 7, or 26 moments?

I think the issue is clearly that nobody actually knows just how long one moment is as a measurement of time elapse.

In my experience, it seems that "one" moment can last anywhere from 1 to 10 "minutes" [if you are willing to accept that by "minute" I refer to "Earth minutes," (meaning 60 seconds, or 1/525,600th of a year, (if that's how you choose to measure a year instead of daylights, sunsets, midnights or cups of coffee, or love, as the play Rent suggests) and not "New York" minutes" which is much shorter, almost instantaneous, or as it seems Johnny Carson observed, "the time it takes for a Manhattan light to turn green and the car behind you to honk"]. Strangely, though, "a few" moments has been used to mean anywhere from 10, to 45 minutes, or even up to an entire Earth (as opposed to New York) hour if used by the more audacious service providers, mostly customer service phone agents.

This does little by way of helping us put a precise measurement on the time unit of one "moment." There is the very strong chance, nay likelihood, that the term is vague by nature, and it's purpose seems to be a stalling mechanism or a buffer that these service-providers can use to hide behind when something delays completion of the requested task.

However, I think it's high time that we demand more concrete and descriptive use of "moment" in our daily lives, from ourselves as well as the McDonald's order takers. And instead of waiting for Math to give us a well-defined system, I say we make one right now.

And by we, I mean me. That's right, I'm the modern day Gibson Newton Lewis.

I have looked into some possible systems to describe moments. As I alluded to before, the play Rent apparently has the idea that one "moment" equals .998858447488584474 "minutes" because the line of the song "Seasons of Love" goes like this: "525,600 minutes/525,000 moments so dear." I don't know why that playwrite thought the ratio of minute : moment was so close to but not quite 1:1. It could be that he has actually stumbled upon an esoteric mathematical formula, although I sort of suspect it might have had something to do with the fact that it was simply easier to write lyrics that way.

However, I don't like that system. 1:1 is too boring, clearly not correct because people don't mean "one minute" when they say "1 moment", and if they did, that would just be redundant--the last thing the English language needs is another synonym out there confusing all of us and making our Thesaur-i that much longer, killing hundreds of trees in the process.

So, from now on, "one moment" is going to be mean "8.5319 minutes" according to math I don't want to bore you with.

This should be a precise system as I discussed earlier, thus if something is going to take 8.5319 minutes, we can say, "just a moment," and if it will be 17.0638 minutes, we can say "it'll be ready in 2 moments"; but, if it will 10 minutes, we should say, "I'll be with you in 1.1720728 moments."

This is our first step to becoming a less lazy and more . . . what do you call that thing when you use your brain . . . . think-ful society.

Anyway, good day to you all. I will talk to you again in approximately 168.7783494 moments.

PEACE Y'ALL!

MikeeP