If this applies to you, you are in luck! For I have contemplated and come up with a list of what I consider to be some of the most important phrases. Here is the problem, however--I don't know where you are traveling. Or if you are traveling at all. Or even specifically who you are--to me as I write this, you are really just a hypothetical potential reader (I mean that in the most affectionate way possible).
Therefore, the ball is in your court to translate them into whatever language applies--Spanish, German, Portuguese, Russian, Japanese, Cantonese, Lithuanian, Hindi, Arabic, Dutch, Czech, Icelandic, Swahili, Canadian (very similar to English, but you have to add in an "eh" about every other word), Pig Latin, Elvin, or even the Binary Language of Moisture Vaporators (or even Binary Load Lifters--very similar to Vaporators in most respects).
Or French, but who the fuck wants the taste of that language in their mouth.
Whatever language you need for whatever place you are headed, here is a website that will help you translate. You might want to try translating some of the phrases now, if you need some time to kill. http://www.worldlingo.com/products_services/worldlingo_translator.html
So, without further ado here are what I consider to be the 28 most important phrases you will need to know in the native language of wherever you go:
"Hello."
"What is your name?"
"My name is Brad Pitt."
"I know, I look much smaller in person. But I swear--I'm him."
"How are you?"
"I am fine."
"I know, you didn't ask, but I am having an unusually good day so I thought I would tell you. What do you mean go fuck myself?"
"Excuse me, I am not from here. Is there some reason why all of the women have hairy armpits?"
"Are you sure a strip-search is necessary?"
"Yes, I have my passport--it's in my backpack."
"Who unzipped my backpack? Hey! Stop!! Someone stop that guy--he stole my passport!!"
"Where is the bathroom? I think I feel something poking out."
"Oh, another cathedral. Wow."
"Oh yeah, you're right, the columns in this one really are slightly more Romanesque than the other 3. Hey, is there a pub around here?"
"Why is this beer flat? You mean it's supposed to taste like this?"
"This tastes great. What is in this? Dog, you say? Hmm. Oh, nothing, I'm just looking for my vomit bag."
"What interesting weather. Do the rivers usually flood the village up to waist level?"
"Oh my, I am so embarrassed. I thought all beaches here were nude beaches. By the way, do you happen to which brand of aloe vera works best for butt cheeks?"
"How much? Are you serious? No, that is too much for a bribe."
"I love you. No, really, I mean it."
"Good morning! Um, you're going to think this is so shallow, but what was your name again?"
"This hostel has some really nice rooms. I didn't know that they could fit 20 single beds in this small of a space."
"How far is this hostel from the center of town? 30 miles? Mother-f*%#$#!!"
"Wow this building is really tall. How high up are we? Like 56 stories? Wow, what would happen if I dropped a penny off the ledge? Relax, I'm not gonna . . . oh shit, I dropped it. Oh wow, even from this high up you can see a lot of blood."
"Interesting, I've never seen AK-47's this close up before. Can you please stop pointing that in my face? What? Oh, ok, I'll get in the car with you. Where are we going?"
"This is really embarrassing, but this lion seems to be chewing on my leg. Any suggestions?"
"I'm sorry officer, I swear I didn't know she was a hooker. What do you mean he?!"
"Fuck this place, I'm going home and never leaving again!"
And, the most important phrase you will need to learn, because it will come in useful if you don't learn any of the rest of the list: "I don't speak [insert language here]. Except for that. And that. And that."
Anyway, I hope you find these phrases as useful as I did when I traveled. Just kidding, I didn't use them. All of them, anyway. Or did I?
Have a safe flight, and I'll see you when, or if, you return to Amurrica.
Mikee P
By the way, if you have some time, which I know you do since you are reading this, check these out:
Absolutely hilarious video: http://www.hulu.com/watch/116580/saturday-night-live-lawrence-welk-show---winter
Awesome time waster: http://www.reddit.com/
How I wish I could spend my days at work: http://www.dula.tv/watch.php?file=paul-rudds-computer.flv
Some of the best critics and reviews of all your favorite film, TV, music, books, and games: http://www.avclub.com/
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