Well hello. What have we here? You are lookin' fine tonight, sweet thang. I do believe I would use a "fee simple" to fight for your love. Awww yeah. Wait. Shhhh. Do you hear that? That's the sound of my heart skipping a beat. Hey, let me ask you a question, and be honest. Do you like pina coladas?
Woah, woah, where am I? What just happened? Sorry about that. I was just sitting here, with the lights all dim, sipping on some fine Hennessy, listening to some Barry White with The Notebook playing on TV in the background, and I must have gotten a little too "in the mood" there and didn't realize I was inadvertently hitting on my readers. Why would I want to listen to music when I have the TV on you ask? 'Cause I like to party.
And if you are gonna talk shit about watching The Notebook, you obviously don't appreciate the beauty and depth of feeling of a love story that transcends time and speaks to the romantic inside all of us . . . Ok, I'm gonna level with you here. I wasn't really watching The Notebook. I was watching Tosh.O and he was showing a video of body builders sitting in a tub, wearing speedos, and one was tickling the other's foot and they were both giggling like schoolgirls. Po-tay-to, po-tah-to.
No but seriously, I once watched The Notebook, and my heart almost exploded from an oversurge of emotions. And I'm not an emotional guy. I didn't cry when Han Solo got frozen in carbonite, when Harry took AJ's place to sacrifice himself to blow up the meteor, when that hunter shot Bambi's mom, or when Trinity dies (HILARIOUS!). I didn't even flinch when President Bartlet was assassinated in Season 5 of the West Wing (sorry for the spoiler, those of you who were working your way through the series).
Just kidding about Bartlet. He doesn't die until Season 6.
PSYCHE! Don't worry. I can't remember when he dies.
No, no, no, he doesn't die, he's Martin Sheen for God's sake. Cripes. But ya, The Notebook, talk about a wave of feelings. You know the only thing more emotional than watching The Notebook? Watching Nights In Rodanthe and then The Notebook BACK TO BACK! I did that. I know, crazy, right? I sobbed for 3 days straight, including one whole day of work. Luckily my bosses thought I had just gotten back from a funeral, cause I think I told them I was going to one so I could get out of work a couple days before.
Anyway, ever since then, I haven't been able to watch a movie with Rachel McAdams without crying like a baby. It's really awkward watching Wedding Crashers with my friends because I burst into tears every time she is on screen.
Anyway, before I start getting misty here, I'm sure the real reason you're here is to read about some more legal words that haunt my sole. That wasn't a typo. These words haunt the sole of my flip flop because one day I threw my law school notes on the ground and stomped on them in an insane rage because I was so fed up trying to wrap my ahead around all that bullplop, so, on top of everything else, I have haunted Reefs.
Where was I? Oh yes. Words. Legal ones. Learning them. Do you want to? I think I know the answer to that. HELL NO! Well, guess what, we're going to anyway because we have to. Just think about all of the boring conversations you'll be able to have with people at cocktail parties and luncheons after this series is over. I know I have them. . . . . . . . . . a lot.
So, let's get to it. Don't worry, It'll be as quick and painless as ripping off a band-aid. A band-aid made out of duct tape. That's covering a patch of pubic hair. Ok, thumbs up guys, PART C, let's do this!!
- "IIED"--also known by its full name, Intentional Infliction of Emotional Distress. It's proved by showing that the person "intentionally or recklessly" engaged in "extreme and outrageous conduct" that resulted in "severe emotional distress." How do you know if the "conduct" was "extreme and outrageous"? Well, it makes you stand up and say "that's outrageous!" Not a joke. Some judge wrote that as the legal standard for determining if conduct is extreme and outrageous. So, technically, nothing in real life qualifies, because who yells "that's outrageous!" when they see something, even if it is? If that's the standard, then I guess the closes thing to actually qualifying that I can think of is a spider monkey being an adult at 3 years old. (Wait for minute 1:27).
- "Contributory Negligence"--remember negligence from yesterday's post? It's when you breach a duty (hehe). But sometimes, the injured person is just as big of a careless moron as the rich person they are blaming for their injury. Used to be that if this was the case, the injured person got jack squat. Now, they just get their money reduced by whatever percentage the jury finds they were at fault. Isn't that nice? They share! Everyone hold hands, and let's sing a round. I'll start. Kumbayaaaaa my looorrrrd. . . .
- "Corporate Veil"--Did you know that corporations are people? That's right - they have freedom of speech rights, can enter contracts, sue or be sued, and they even poop (everyone does). Well, since corporations are people, when "they" do something wrong the corporation itself needs to be held accountable, not the poor, helpless CEOs and Directors. That wouldn't be fair. The "corporate veil" is a thin layer of netting material, usually white, that corporate officers and directors hide behind so they can't get in trouble for the bad things they do. But if you pierce the veil, then they are liable to pay all the money they owe, and hoooooooo boy, you know what that means. Government bailout!
- "Parol Evidence"--I know what you're thinking. Go on, say it. EHHHHHHHH WRONG! It's not evidence you present at a parol (which is actually spelled p-a-r-o-l-E) hearing. I thought the exact same thing. Good guess, though. Parol-without-the-e Evidence is actually some boring crap that has to do with something like trying to introduce evidence that's not a part of a written contract, but who the hell can keep track of these things when we have to prepare for our parole hearings?
- "Respondeat Superior"--uh . . . um . . . see the thing about this is . . . . HEY! LOOK OVER THERE! (rapid footsteps down stairs, car engine starting and peeling away).
- "Present Sense Impression"--This is an exception to the "hearsay" rule we discussed on day 1. A "present sense impression" is a "statement describing an event made while the declarant (remember that one?) was perceiving the event." Basically, this rule stands for the notion that, if someone makes a statement about something while that something is happening, then the statement's probably reliable to use as evidence even if the person isn't testifying to it under oath. What this means for you is, if you ever get attacked, you should immediately start narrating in great detail. This may get harder the more savagely you get beaten, but try to keep it up--it could be well worth it down the road as evidence. Here's an example to get you started: "Hey Bob, I see that you are walking into the room rather quickly and brandishing a wooden baseball bat. Your face is flushed and you appear perturbed. You are saying to me that you know I slept with your wife. Now you are yelling at me to stop saying everything that you are saying, and to be a man and admit that I slept with your wife. Now you look really angry. Furious, actually. I'd even venture to say you look insane with rage. You are running at me at a rapid pace, and you appear to be winding up for a swing. Now you are swinging the bat at my head at full spe--" See, if someone heard you say all that, they could introduce it as evidence against Bob, even though it's hearsay. Learning is fun, huh?
- "Reasonable Suspicion that Criminal Activity Was Afoot"--It sounds like something Sherlock Holmes used to say to dear old Watson, once his heightened senses perceived a clue, but it's really just the excuse cops have to give when they feel you up.
- "K" - For some inexplicable reason, this is the standard abbreviation used in law school for the word "contract." I don't really see it. True, "K" has the same aspirated sound when you pronounce it like a hard "c", the one that starts "contract", but, I mean it's kind of a stretch if you ask me. As far as I know, "C" isn't some widely used law-related abbreve, so I don't know why they couldn't have just used that. Anyway, it's also a slang term for agreeing to something when you're kind of in a pissy mood. ("Will you please take out the trash? I've asked you five times." "K.")
- "Exigent Circumstances"--a catch-all phrase cops use when they did something illegal but want to be able to use the evidence they found anyway, usually preceded by rapid shifty eyes coupled with a sheepish grin, and a mischievous shrug. JUDGE: "Officer, why did you break in front door without a warrant and beat a confession out of that elderly woman without reading her her Miranda Rights?" OFFICER: (slight pause, rapid shifty eyes, eyes light up) "Exigent circumstance?" (sheepish grin, and a mischievous shrug). Everyone shares a huge laughing session, the end credits music kicks in, and the frame freezes as the judge and the officer walk away, arms around each other, while the elderly lady struggles to lift herself from the ground.
- "Meets and Bounds"--Let's say you have a map. Your standard Mercator Projection. Now, zoom in approximately 1 gajillion times so that you are about at 2 levels above Google Street view so you are looking at a single plot of land. And stare at it. What's more tedious and boring than this? I'll tell you what--"meets and bounds." This is where, instead of staring at a map of land, you read a paragraph describing the land in exhaustive detail, with no pictures at all. ("Start at the southeastern-most corner of blah blah blah. Turn 45 degrees north-north-west. walk approximately 50 paces. . . . ") It's sort of like the world's lamest treasure hunt because when it's all over, you end up right where you started. And there's no treasure. And you're still in law school. Joke's on you! Hey, law school, if I wanted to learn cartography, I would have gone to the Magellan Institute of Circumnavigation. COUNT IT!
Well, we appear to have reached the end of yet another installment of THE LIST. And just when I was starting to get mildly engaged in the content. What did I tell you - like a band-aid right? We'll just be walking with limps for a couple of days.
I know I'll see you tomorrow, so, let's not say goodbye. Let's just say, au revoir. No, let's say goodbye.
MikeeP
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