Bad Driving "Luck"

I recently got a call from my parents, who live in a different state than me (they, Colorado--I, sunny California), simply to chat and catch up. About halfway through the conversation, my mom casually mentioned the fact that my dad's new car had been rear-ended a mere hour-and-a-half before.

I was a little worried - not at the fact that my parents had been in an accident but rather at the way that she off-handedly threw the story into the end of the conversation in an almost-forgot-to-tell-you manner, as if she were relating what she had had for lunch that day. 

Such has become the state of driving vehicles in my family. 

Like I said, I wasn't worried about the actual accident - after all, this time, it was only a fender-bender, and the accident wasn't the fault of anyone in our family. For MikeeP and kin, getting into a car accident that's relatively minor is happy news, along the lines of bringing home an "A-" on a final exam. Throw in not having that minor accident be due to any negligence, inattentiveness or hubris on our part . . . well, that's like saying not only was the "-" a typo and you actually got an "A+", but that you also got extra credit, and you are excused from doing homework for the next week. 

Now, if you know me well, or casually, or have had the (mis)fortune of being a passenger in a car I was operating, or who follow this blog marginally, or have been cut off, side-swiped or run over by me out there on the road, you know that I have somewhat of a history of what might be euphemistically described as "boo-boo"s when it comes to cars. 

There are some who chalk it up to a general state of distraction in which I tend to live my life, which is fine when it comes to overcoming life's little annoyances, but might translate poorly into the realm of vehicular management. 

I however, take a different view. What might appear to the casual observer as "distraction" while I drive - things such as turning around to look the back-seat passenger in the eye when I talk to them - I consider to be politeness. It's just common courtesy to look people in the eye when you talk. I tell this to people all the time. They usually respond by telling me to watch the road, please, or by screaming uncontrollably and pointing our the windshield at something I can't see because I am busy being polite and looking them in the eye. 

I think I've previously alluded to the litany of driving predicaments I've found myself in, not the least of which includes getting a reckless driving ticket on the same night that I backed into the garage door, a mere four nights before backing into two, count 'em, TWO parked cars. That was a bad week.

However, like all good miscreants, I place the culpability outside of myself. I blame my genes. Remember how I said before that I was relieved that the state of driving in my family has gotten to the point where we are actually happy to hear that one of us only got into a fender bender?

Well, then it should not shock to you learn that, I recently took an inventory of my family's driving mishaps. And I came up with, off the top of my head, approximately fifty - 5-0!-  incidents between my extended family. And we are talking cross-generational here, not just kids.

I don't even know which of us is the worst. I may have the most notches on my fan belt, but I don't think I have the worst incidents. Except for the hitting 2 cars 4 days after I broke the garage and got a reckless driving ticket thing. That one was bad.

But clearly, there are too many incidents to discuss right now, and I want to do them all justice because just about every incident has a story to it, there are very few garden variety speeding tickets in the mix here.

I think what I'm going to do here is give a teaser/activity. I will list the people in my family who could be considered driving culprits, and I will list the incidents that have occurred between us, but I won't actually attribute the incidents to the players just yet. I will leave it to you to ponder who has done what. You may recognize some of my previously related "boo-boos", but hey, you really need to see them all at once to feel the full effect of our family driving habits.

Drivers:
-Dad
-Brother
-Sister
-Grandma
-Aunt
-Mom
-Grandpa

Incidents:
-Backed into 2 parked cars in 5 minutes
-Backed into the garage door (and broke it)
-Reckless driving ticket
-Totaled a car a month after getting it by rear-ending someone, and then getting rear-ended in turn
-Shattered windshield by accidentally throwing a bag of garbage onto it from a second-story balcony (while aiming for the dumpster next to the car)
-Ran into a guardrail in the mountains because was watching the rear-view mirror b/c they thought a cop was tailing them
-Was voted worst driver of senior year class (but best partier!)
-Slid mother's car into a stone wall b/c of snow on road
-Had a car so old that there was a hole in the floor, and the automatic seatbelt had a frayed wire so car would not start (b/c car would only start when seat-belt was "on")
-Said car with hole and frayed seatbelt blew a rod, was repaired, and was totaled 1 week later when it was hit
-Got a ticket for racing
-Ran out of gas 2 times
-Ran out gas 1 time
-Ran out of gas 2 times (this was not an accidental repeat--2 different people in my fam have run out of gas at least 2 time)
-Almost ran out of gas a third/fourth time in the middle of Utah where the only "gas station" in town was a pump in front of a house, and had to bang on the door till people came out
-Spun out on freeway while driving someone else's car
-Had a car's engine die b/c hadn't gotten the oil changed in over 10,000 miles
-Had an automatic gate close on their car
-Ran into another car b/c of snow on road
-Backed into a car in an intersection
-Almost ran out of gas a third/fourth time while driving across the country solo to see a favorite band's last concert, and ran out of money on the way back (also got a speeding ticket on that trip)
-Got a seatbelt ticket in a parking lot
-Got a ticket for driving solo in a carpool lane
-Got hit a week after driving stick shift (and driving more carefully than ever before in their life)
-Shattered rear windshield by backing into a mail box
-Totaled 3rd car by rear-ending someone
-Totaled first car by having someone rear-end them
-Hit a pole in a bank drive-thru ATM
-Broke trunk by angrily throwing it open b/c they were irritated that it wouldn't stay open on its own in the cold
-Tried to park a car in the area of a walk-up ice cream store where people stand and order
-totaled both parents cars in one weekend while they were out of town
-Tried to order at a drive-thru by yelling into a trashcan (5 feet away from the order box)
-Rolled a car on the interstate
-Had a car spontaneously combust while driving it
-Drove in reverse on a major street (with traffic) b/c gear shift was stuck in reverse

So, that is the basic, off-the-top-of-my-head list of driving incidents that have occurred in my family.  As there are so many, I will be starting a new, on-going series on this blog where I will, one by one, detail the story behind each of these driving incidents, and reveal who the culprit was behind each.

I will leave you with this little nugget that sums up the driving experience in my family: I was recently talking with my dad, and we realized that, since June of this year, 5 out of 5 in my immediate family have had a driving "boo-boo". (In our defense, 3 of us weren't at fault. So, that's worth something, in some twisted way, I guess).

And you wonder why I am a bad driver? Science doesn't lie, my friends. It's the genes. 

Mikee P

Bucket List pt. 2

As I've alluded to in previous posts, and by "previous posts", I mean this one single post, I have an on-going bucket list.

I'm not referring to a literal list of buckets that I secretly keep in my back pocket and obsessively unfold, stare at for 15 minutes (reciting the name, product number, year of first production and most competitive retail price of each bucket four times in a raspy, barely audible murmur) and then re-fold along every crease perfectly, repeating the entire process if I miss a single step, every hour on the hour. Where did you get that idea?

Incidentally, if I were keeping a list of literal buckets, I would probably include this one, as it seems to have practical application, this one because it is simple, refined and masculine yet aesthetically pleasing, you know, for a bucket, and this one because, shit that's pretty hilarious.

No, this "bucket list" I have is one of those cliche lists of things I want to do before I die.

Now, I'm not saying mine is the best bucket list ever and if you follow it you will truly live. I'm not even saying it's totally awesome, or partially awesome. I mean, it's probably pretty lame compared to the one those guys are following on The Buried Life. Those guys have a pretty good thing goin with their list, and they're actually checking things off, earning money while doing it, and achieving legitimate glory. You know, the glory of being an MTV reality show star. That level of prestige is usually reserved for underage pregnant teenage moms from Tennessee,  trust-fund harpees planning a birthday celebration that costs more than many peoples' annual incomes, and explosive-tempered alcoholic club-rats from the east coast.

I do have to admit, I'd like to steal this item from the list on the Buried Life for my bucket list. That would be fun.

On the plus side, I will say that my list is probably not as milque-toast and cliche as the one featured in the 2007 box-office hit of dubious critical acclaim, The Bucket List. I mean, those guys' number one item was "witness something truly majestic." Urrmmphh. Excuse me, I just threw up a little in my mouth, and I also think I just caught diabetes.

No, my list falls somewhere in between. It's somewhat humble, yet honest. It's probably one of the most honest things you'll read on this blog, except for my crippling fear of gargantuan cephalopods such as this one, my horrible driving habits, and my inability to dance without looking like an epileptic robot. Some things may be lame, some may be shallow, some may be unattainable. But in the end, is not the trifecta of these three types of dreams what makes each and every one of us human?

Hey, I'm asking you a question.

Anyway, here are some more items from the list, and their corresponding numbers on the list. Feel free to add, critique, share your own, etc. These are our lives we're talkin about, maaaan! Let's start living.

• 13: Zorb During a Tsunami

For those of you that don't know what zorbing is, it's this. It's basically one of the coolest things EVER, hands down. You roll around in this giant clear sphere. A lot of people do it on hills, basically is like sledding on crack and sounds tight. I mean, seriously, these things are so cool, I would do it all the time. I would roll around in one on the streets. However, I want to take it to the next level and do it in a tsunami. This sounds crazy, but you're in a zorb, and therefore cannot be hurt in any way, no matter what amount of force hits you. At least that's how I understand the physics of it.

• 3: Have a Legit Spit Take

This one is very high on my list, as you can see. For those of you who don't know what a spit-take is, it is when you take a sip of some beverage, and by some crazy coincidence, someone you are with just so happens at that exact second to reveal some piece of shocking news. Look here for a typical example. I want to do this before I die. I try to constantly keep a beverage with me and begin sipping the instant I hear someone talking. People think it's because I'm dehydrated, but I really do it in the unlikely event that they are about to tell me that they're marrying their cousin, or that there is no God. This would be my ideal. (Wait or seek forward to minute 1:30--well worth the wait).

• 23: Grunt a Worm

As hilarious as this name sounds, "grunting" a "worm" is really just putting a wooden dowel into some dirt, and hitting it repeatedly with a tiny mallet until worms come to the surface, at which point you grab them, gingerly, lest they rip in half. Come to think of it, the real thing is about as hilarious as the name. Also, the word "worm" didn't actually need to be in parentheses. And by "parentheses," I mean "quotes." Goddamn punctuation. Anyway, worm grunting is a real profession or activity, most often used to collect bait for fishing. However, apparently people do it as a competitive sport as well. I'm not aspiring to those levels however. I merely want to grunt one worm. 

• 7: Slay a Giant Squid by Hurling a Harpoon Into Its Giant, Disgusting Eye

This shouldn't warrant that much explanation, as most anyone who is a basic acquaintance of mine knows that the mere thought of giant squid makes me brown my trousers (I mean figuratively . . . .or do I?). Thus, I would really, really like to kill one before I die. An added bonus would be to not die via giant squid, though something deep within me tells me this is how I am going to go. That or get gunned down driving a hijacked Coca-Cola truck for the border of Mexico. Anyway, if I'm going to be eaten by a giant squid, I'd at least like to take one of those bastards down with me.

• 63: Write a Novel, Movie, or TV Show, or Write Something That Vaguely References a Novel, Movie, or TV Show at Some Point

As you can see, I've checked this one off already. As you can also see, I made this one easier on myself by providing a pretty big loophole.

Well, that's it for now. Remember, I'll always be with you all. Not in that creepy Mufasa way, but more in a good-will sort of way.

Mikee P