So I have this "ongoing feature" on my blog called Bucket List. It's about my Bucket List (things I want to do before I die from getting gunned down by the US Border Patrol while driving a hijacked Coca-Cola truck for the US-Mexico border at full speed, all jacked up on sweet sweet Coca-Cola (possibly diet, depending on if I'm watching my figure by the time I die)).
What's weird is I can actually claim that this is an "ongoing feature," since I have now been blogging long enough to have visited this topic twice (click here for part 1 of the list and click here for part 2, if you're into that whole continuity/complete-ism thing).
For those of you who don't know, here is an example of a bucket list:
This is a poor example, however, for several reasons. First of all, this person actually appears to have spent more time on actually spelling out the pun of "kicking the bucket" in the title of the list than in the actual creation of their list. In fact, he or she appears to have spent virtually no time working on the list. As you can see, he or she wrote the number 1, and followed it with only an ellipses.
This is just wrong for several reasons.
First, you usually use an ellipses to indicate that whatever comes next is continued from what came before it, only after a slight pause or break. For example, I used an ellipses in the title of this blog. Or, another common example comes from everyday conversations, such as, "You know. . . . if you don't stop humming that goddamn Katy Perry song . . . . I am going to jam a banana up your ass."
But nothing came before the ellipses here. Number 1 is the start of the list. So, whoever reads this list is going to be really confused, like it should have continued from something else, but they won't know what. They might even go looking for another list somewhere to make sure that they aren't missing something important that came before. That just wastes precious time, time the reader doesn't have when they're trying to determine if you achieved your dreams before you died or if you really just totally and completely pissed your life away on meaningless crap like starting lists with ellipses and not actually writing anything else on them.
That brings me to the second thing wrong with this list. There's nothing on it. Here's a quick list-making tip: generally, you want to have some items on any list you are making. Otherwise, it's just a mostly blank piece of paper. At best, it's more like a doodle. Don't put a number 1 if you have nothing to list.
This is especially true of a "bucket" list, which presumably highlights some deeply held life-long goals you want to accomplish before you "kick the bucket" (as the jerk who wrote this list so hilariously phrased it). Otherwise, why would you even start a bucket list? Doing so kinda makes it seem like you are a loser drifting through life without any purpose or meaning, without any dreams, desires, or ambitions above waking up, stuffing pop tarts in your face and then falling back into a food coma . . . . and repeating this for 60 years until one Thursday in your 80's you die in your sleep, alone and unloved. (Now that's how you use an ellipses, maybe).
To sum up, if you have nothing you want to accomplish before you die, don't start a bucket list. It makes everyone else around you feel awkward and pity you, and it's really just poor list-making skills in general.
Anyway, one unexpected consequence of creating a bucket list is it really puts your life into perspective at a time before you are probably actually ready for it. What good does it do you to realize in your early-late-middle twenties (i.e. 26) that you have all of these dreams that are not being fulfilled whilst you go into work every day, week-in, week-out trying to earn that skrilla you need to pay off your student loans, go out on the weekends to break up the monotony, buy some semi-cool shit you want and possibly, possibly save whatever is left over from each paycheck (approximately 39 cents) for the "future?" No good, really. All it makes you want to do is quit your job and go out and just do everything on your list and really "live."
However, here is my advice: keep it in perspective.
My momma always said bucket lists is like a box of chocolates - sure, you want it all now, but if you eat it all at once, you're gonna blow chunks all over your running shoes and the person sitting next to you at the bus stop is going to get angry and possibly hit you. Then you might not make it to the love of your life's house and meet your illegitimate child that she's hid from you for 4 years and named after the kid's daddy, who just so happens to have the same name as you. Momma had some strangely specific advice.
Anyways, the point is to go out and do your bucket list one item at a time. You don't have to have lived a lifetime by the time you are in your early-late-middle twenties, but it's a good idea to start now and maybe achieve one dream at a time.
Then, by the time you are 121 and ready to die,
then you can go out the way you want to. Like Blue did. KY-wrestling 2 beautiful girls at a frat party. (Disclaimer: dying of a heart attack while KY-wrestling 2 beautiful girls at a frat party may not be as glamorous or funny as it appears).
In conclusion, here are some more items on my own bucket list. I have not achieved any of these yet, so I would appreciate if you would keep me posted on any opportunities to check these off.
What's weird is I can actually claim that this is an "ongoing feature," since I have now been blogging long enough to have visited this topic twice (click here for part 1 of the list and click here for part 2, if you're into that whole continuity/complete-ism thing).
For those of you who don't know, here is an example of a bucket list:
This is a poor example, however, for several reasons. First of all, this person actually appears to have spent more time on actually spelling out the pun of "kicking the bucket" in the title of the list than in the actual creation of their list. In fact, he or she appears to have spent virtually no time working on the list. As you can see, he or she wrote the number 1, and followed it with only an ellipses.
This is just wrong for several reasons.
First, you usually use an ellipses to indicate that whatever comes next is continued from what came before it, only after a slight pause or break. For example, I used an ellipses in the title of this blog. Or, another common example comes from everyday conversations, such as, "You know. . . . if you don't stop humming that goddamn Katy Perry song . . . . I am going to jam a banana up your ass."
But nothing came before the ellipses here. Number 1 is the start of the list. So, whoever reads this list is going to be really confused, like it should have continued from something else, but they won't know what. They might even go looking for another list somewhere to make sure that they aren't missing something important that came before. That just wastes precious time, time the reader doesn't have when they're trying to determine if you achieved your dreams before you died or if you really just totally and completely pissed your life away on meaningless crap like starting lists with ellipses and not actually writing anything else on them.
That brings me to the second thing wrong with this list. There's nothing on it. Here's a quick list-making tip: generally, you want to have some items on any list you are making. Otherwise, it's just a mostly blank piece of paper. At best, it's more like a doodle. Don't put a number 1 if you have nothing to list.
This is especially true of a "bucket" list, which presumably highlights some deeply held life-long goals you want to accomplish before you "kick the bucket" (as the jerk who wrote this list so hilariously phrased it). Otherwise, why would you even start a bucket list? Doing so kinda makes it seem like you are a loser drifting through life without any purpose or meaning, without any dreams, desires, or ambitions above waking up, stuffing pop tarts in your face and then falling back into a food coma . . . . and repeating this for 60 years until one Thursday in your 80's you die in your sleep, alone and unloved. (Now that's how you use an ellipses, maybe).
To sum up, if you have nothing you want to accomplish before you die, don't start a bucket list. It makes everyone else around you feel awkward and pity you, and it's really just poor list-making skills in general.
Anyway, one unexpected consequence of creating a bucket list is it really puts your life into perspective at a time before you are probably actually ready for it. What good does it do you to realize in your early-late-middle twenties (i.e. 26) that you have all of these dreams that are not being fulfilled whilst you go into work every day, week-in, week-out trying to earn that skrilla you need to pay off your student loans, go out on the weekends to break up the monotony, buy some semi-cool shit you want and possibly, possibly save whatever is left over from each paycheck (approximately 39 cents) for the "future?" No good, really. All it makes you want to do is quit your job and go out and just do everything on your list and really "live."
However, here is my advice: keep it in perspective.
My momma always said bucket lists is like a box of chocolates - sure, you want it all now, but if you eat it all at once, you're gonna blow chunks all over your running shoes and the person sitting next to you at the bus stop is going to get angry and possibly hit you. Then you might not make it to the love of your life's house and meet your illegitimate child that she's hid from you for 4 years and named after the kid's daddy, who just so happens to have the same name as you. Momma had some strangely specific advice.
Anyways, the point is to go out and do your bucket list one item at a time. You don't have to have lived a lifetime by the time you are in your early-late-middle twenties, but it's a good idea to start now and maybe achieve one dream at a time.
Then, by the time you are 121 and ready to die,
then you can go out the way you want to. Like Blue did. KY-wrestling 2 beautiful girls at a frat party. (Disclaimer: dying of a heart attack while KY-wrestling 2 beautiful girls at a frat party may not be as glamorous or funny as it appears).
In conclusion, here are some more items on my own bucket list. I have not achieved any of these yet, so I would appreciate if you would keep me posted on any opportunities to check these off.
- 88: Swim with a Whale
There are few things that seem as cool to me than swimming with a gentle giant of the deep. The ocean is pretty cool anyway, if you don't count the presence of giant squid. And whales are nice to humans, for whatever reason. (Except when you put Shamu in a tiny tank and make him perform the same tricks every day for decades upon decades for screaming crowds - then he, justifiably, sometimes snaps and eats the shit out of his trainer). It would be so cool to just serenely glide along the open ocean holding onto the fin of the biggest thing on Earth. A bonus for this item would be to get to swim with a Sperm Whale because they kill giant squid. Sometimes for sport. I maybe would even get to tag along to a Sperm Whale/giant squid rumble. Hopefully my wet suit doesn't have one of those dyes that shows when you pee yourself, cause I would definitely whiz uncontrollably upon seeing a giant squid, even if my Sperm Whale buddy was gonna fuck him up.
This is a sperm whale. You can tell from his coy smile that he is not camera shy.
- 25: Learn to Sail a Boat (and sing I'm On a Boat)
In keeping with my love of the ocean, I'd like to learn how to sail a boat. And then actually sail a boat. I've always had a dream of buying a catamaran, moving to somewhere like New Zealand, and then chartering out my catamaran to tourists, having them think that my lifestyle is so cool and fun that they too might want to go do this someday. I think this would happen because that's how I got this idea - my family traveled to New Zealand and went out on a catamaran with a guide who did this very thing. It's an endless cycle. I'd be like a padawan to his jedi, and I might even get all cocky and think that I was ready for my own catamaran way too early in my training and maybe even slip over to the dark side and, in a heat of passion, accidentally kill all the other jedis only to wake up with no legs and a helmet that I needed to keep on at all times to breath. And then I would try to kill my own son, but later try to recruit him to the dark side, only to eventually save his life when my evil master was trying to kill him once I learned the error of my ways. Then I would just be an old cripple on my catamaran, chillin in New Zealand, living off of fresh green-lip mussels every day. Which sounds delicious!
Me in my catamaran garb:
The mussels I'd eat everyday:
In order to check off this item, I bought the book Sailing for Dummies. 4 years ago. I haven't read it yet. But I will. I think buying a "for Dummies" book is advisable for most if not all bucket list items. Just saying.
A bonus to this item would be to actually sing "I'm On a Boat" every day while living on my catamaran. . . . in Darth Vader's voice!
A bonus to this item would be to actually sing "I'm On a Boat" every day while living on my catamaran. . . . in Darth Vader's voice!
- 16: Sky Dive Out of a Plane After the Pilot Has Been Shot by Mercenaries During A Multi-Continent Treasure Hunting Adventure And Open The Parachute At the Last Possible Second and Survive With Only Minor Scratches
Come to think of it, this one is pretty self-explanatory.
That's it for now. I encourage everyone to consider your own bucket lists, keep some perspective about it all, and if you are going to try to create a bucket list, or any list for that matter, use ellipses . . . what's the word. . . . sparingly. . . . . SUKAFISH!
MikeeP
That's it for now. I encourage everyone to consider your own bucket lists, keep some perspective about it all, and if you are going to try to create a bucket list, or any list for that matter, use ellipses . . . what's the word. . . . sparingly. . . . . SUKAFISH!
MikeeP
