ENDGAME: My Life Was Better Before Law School Because I Never Knew These Words/Phrases Existed

And so it's come to this.

We have arrived at what might very well be the last installment of THE "My Life Was Better Before Law School Because I Never Knew These Words/Phrases Existed" LIST.

This is potentially an emotional moment. Will you shed a tear for the end of an era? I know I won't. I made it pretty clear yesterday how I feel about feelings: I don't. Except when it comes to seeing Rachel McAdams on the silver screen. (Damn you, Rachel McAdams, you are my kryptonite!)

Before we enter Endgame, let's take a moment to reflect. What did we learn the past few days?

We learned a lot about me: if I get Alzheimer's, I'm going to be shaving some monkeys, I go to Lamaze classes for the free ice chips, and my Reef sandals are haunted by the restless spirits of dead law school notes.

Let's see. . . . what else. . . .well, we learned that Trinity dies towards the end of the 3rd Matrix movie, but President Bartlet doesn't die in the West Wing. . . . or does he?? (he doesn't).

We also learned a lot about the law. What exactly, I don't know.

If we're to believe anything I've explained, then "the law" is a fantasyland clusterfuck where shit is upside down, wrong is right, people have selfish motives, the police aren't to be trusted, Latin has risen from the dead and wanders the Earth like a decaying, soulless zombie, corporate officers aren't accountable for their actions, people use giant sticks to defend their land and sue each other over contracts they've created entirely by mail, and maps are really boring. Basically, a bleak hellscape.

Thank God the world we live in is nothing like that. Can you imagine if we had to use Latin?

Well, that was some good reflecting time. If you will actually indulge me in two moments of earnestness (just two, I swear, and that's it), it sure has been fun writing about legal stuff the past few days. It's the first time I've done a "series" for blog posts, hell it's the first time I've been conscientious enough to post 4 days in a row since this imminent-trainwreck left the station. So thanks for sticking with me through the legalese. It's been some of the most fun stuff to write about, probably because something as dry and tedious as the law practically screams for humorous treatment lest it literally overtake your entire person and turn you into some kind of . . . law . .  . robot . . . guy. . . with no . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . imagination.

So I think I might be revisiting this topic more frequently as time goes on. That may be good news for some of you, and bad news for others. I'll let the 4 of you who actually read this decide for yourselves if you like it or not, but please know that I don't want to alienate anyone. On the contrary, I need to be loved by everyone, or else I just won't be able to even function. So PLEASE KEEP READING! DON'T LEAVE ME!

Ok, I think the earnestness dissipated about half-way into the first paragraph - I told you it would be brief.

Anyway, I think that provides a nice segueway into today's discussion of horrible legal words/phrases. You know what they say, save the best for last. I wish I had remembered that expression when I first started posting this series because honestly what's coming today, I gotta tell ya, is a real steaming pile of shit. I'm almost embarrassed to even publish this post. In fact, I don't know if I am going to.

So you got me there - you're reading this, I obviously already posted it, let's stop this cruel charade.

Thus, without any further stalling tactics, let me introduce the FINAL PORTION OF THE LIST by way of an apology. I am truly, sincerely, from the bottom of my heart, sorry for what you are about to read. It sucks. All right, let's get started!

• "Specific/General Intent" - In the world of criminal law, when you act, you might just intend to cause the "natural and probable result" of your actions. "That's general intent." But did you know that you might actually sometimes intend some further thing to occur? If this is the case, then you had "specific intent." If you're confused at this point, then congratulations, you are a human being! Nobody, nobody knows what the fuck the difference between "general intent" and "specific intent" is. If someone tells you that they know, then disregard anything they ever say or have said to you because they are full of shit. The entire legal world - attorneys, judges, professors, law students, clerks, stenographers, bailiffs, defendants, everyone - has been confused about them since they were coined as terms, even the jerk who coined them. And yet, they will always be around because everyone is too embarrassed to admit they have no idea what they mean and suggest we change them. Thus, we still use them today. 
• The good news - you can just ramble about them for a couple of minutes and whoever you are talking to will nod along knowingly, and won't dare contradict you because they will be thinking that you, unlike them, actually understand these terms. 
• More good news, if you commit a "specific intent" crime while you're drunk, you're not guilty!

• "Record Notice" - when you should have looked at every potential record in existence to see if someone has an easement on land you buy, or if someone else actually owns the land you buy. Basically, if there is a piece of paper out there that might say something about your land, then you are considered "on record notice" of whatever it is. The lesson here: carefully review every piece of paper in the world when you are purchasing new land. 

• "Narrowly Tailored to Meet a Compelling Govt Interest" - how you know if a government action or regulation meets the "strict scrutiny" test of constitutionality. Now let us never, ever speak of this phrase again. 

• "Eminent Domain" - when the government decides it wants to take your land, so they make you move, take your shit, and throw you "fair compensation" (i.e. 50% of the fair market value), without a care or in the world as to where you are going to live now. Geez, the government is a real dick. 

• "Riparian Owner" - under the system of "riparian water rights," everyone who borders water is a "riparian owner" of the water, and can make reasonable use of the water. This stands in stark contrast to the rule of "prior appropriation" for water rights, whereby whoever can grab the most water first, regardless of whether they will actually need or use it, owns that water and sucks to be anyone else who might be thirsty or need a shower. If you're for "riparian water rights," then go back to Soviet Russia, you commie pinko bastard.  

• "Search Incident to Arrest" - when the police arrest you, they are entitled to search your person and the area immediately surrounding you in case you are hiding a gun, knife, shiv, shank, mace, taser, brass knuckles, baseball bat, screwdriver, whip, chain, cattle prod, battle ax, boomerang, throwing stars, grenade, spear, sword, rapier, dagger, katana, machete, bow staff, barbed-wire-wrapped-around-a-board, nunchucks, chainsaw, nail gun, hammer, car battery-hooked-up-to-jumper-cables, malatov cocktail, garden sheers, bazooka, rusty nail, mid-range-nuclear-warhead, tank, stealth-bomber, or "fee simple", which you might run and grab after you wrestle free and get out of your handcuffs before the trained police officers are able to stop you. It's for the officer's safety. Oh, also, the cops use this as an excuse to find miniscule amounts of weed in your pocket so they can add another charge so the DA has more leverage in the plea negotiations, and contribute to the already unsustainable state of overcrowded prisons. But it's mostly about the weapons and officer safety.

• "Eggshell Plaintiff" - this concept was introduced into the legal world after a harrowing incident when a certain individual, which for privacy reasons shall remain anonymous, had the grave misfortune of having a great fall from a wall on which he was sitting. This poor bastard didn't have a chance, not even the top horses in the kingdom could save him. R.I.P. 

• "CP/SP" - these abbreves here stand for "community property" and "separate property" respectively. They have to do with how a court will deal with the stuff you will acquire when you get married. You should probably save yourself the headache of learning these terms and just never get married. 

• "Diminished Capacity" - a state in which I spent most of my college years, UP TOP! Anyone? No?

• "Excited Utterance" - Another exception to the "hearsay" rule. This one is a little complicated, so I'm gonna take it slow. This is a statement that  you . . . how should I put this . . . ."utter" . . . . . when you are in a state of hmm, what's a good word . . . . "excitement." No, there's no catch, it's really that straightforward. Pinky swear. 

• "Diversity Jx" - Remember a couple days ago when I told you that killing yourself via that rusty, greasy machine from the movie Saw that is basically a reverse bear-trap that rips your jaw apart was less painful than trying to understand when a court has jx over a case? Well, welcome to Saw II baby! See, what I haven't told you yet, is that there are actually 2 different kinds of jx that you have to show before the court can actually take action. There's "personal jx", which has to do with those "minimum contacts" I mentioned a while ago (which comes from famous case called International Shoe--hrrmmph. . . . oh, excuse me, I just threw up a little in my mouth). But there's also "subject matter jx." And under "subject matter jx," there's 2 different kinds of ways to show jx, "federal question", or "diversity jx." So, the requirements for "diversity jx" are: 1) the suit must arise from a controversy between "citizens" of different states, and 2) must be for a matter of $75K or more. Now, there are a couple of ways to show which state someone is a "citizen" of. First, you . . . . . . HEY! WAIT! WHERE ARE YOU GOING??? WHY ARE YOU RUNNING SO FAST??? I HAVEN'T EVEN GOTTEN TO THE RULES OF COMPULSORY JOINDER THAT CAN DESTROY DIVERSITY JX!!!! THERE'S ONLY FOUR SUB-RULES THAT APPLY THERE, AND THEY'RE REALLY QUITE FASCINATING ONCE YOU GET INTO THEM. WHY ARE YOU FLIPPING ME OFF??

Well, that about wraps things up. 

What did I tell you, just real shoddy, bad stuff today. 

But that doesn't mean that there's not still a take-away message about the law embedded in all of these posts. I guess if I wanted you to take away one thing about "the law" from these blog posts, I think it would be . . .  wait. Did you just hear that? Sush up for a second. That. Right there. You don't hear that? Hmm must be my imagination. 

So, back to the take-away, if I wanted you to take away one thing about "the law" from this blog, it would be--hey look a quarter! Cool, I'm only 2 quarters away from being able to dry a load of laundry!

Anyway, what was I saying? Oh ya, if I wanted you to take away one thing about "the law" from this blog, it would be. . . dammit, I lost my train of thought. Sorry. Ok, we got Endgame. . . . Trinity dies . . . .ice chips . . . Latin-zombie . . . malatov cocktail . . . diversity jx. . . nope, sorry I'm drawing a blank here. 

So it seems the take-away from these past few days is: nothing. There was no point to all of this. Just killin some time before the Bar results come out. This is a time-wasting blog, after all.

At any rate, I hope it was mildly entertaining. I know I had a good time. Too bad it just kinda abruptly ended like this, though. Kinda anticlimactic, no real closure at all. Huh. Oh well. Goodbye. 

MikeeP

PS Best of luck to everyone reading this who is awaiting Bar results, especially anyone from USF School of Law. I have my fingers crossed for all of you, and hope to be drinking a toast to good news for everyone at 6pm tonight!

Sub-Section C of (drumrolllllll): My Life Was Better Before Law School Because I Never Knew These Words/Phrases Existed

Well hello. What have we here? You are lookin' fine tonight, sweet thang. I do believe I would use a "fee simple" to fight for your love. Awww yeah. Wait. Shhhh. Do you hear that? That's the sound of my heart skipping a beat. Hey, let me ask you a question, and be honest. Do you like pina coladas? 

Woah, woah, where am I? What just happened? Sorry about that. I was just sitting here, with the lights all dim, sipping on some fine Hennessy, listening to some Barry White with The Notebook playing on TV in the background, and I must have gotten a little too "in the mood" there and didn't realize I was inadvertently hitting on my readers. Why would I want to listen to music when I have the TV on you ask? 'Cause I like to party. 

And if you are gonna talk shit about watching The Notebook, you obviously don't appreciate the beauty and depth of feeling of a love story that transcends time and speaks to the romantic inside all of us  . . . Ok, I'm gonna level with you here. I wasn't really watching The Notebook.  I was watching Tosh.O and he was showing a video of body builders sitting in a tub, wearing speedos, and one was tickling the other's foot and they were both giggling like schoolgirls. Po-tay-to, po-tah-to.  

No but seriously, I once watched The Notebook, and my heart almost exploded from an oversurge of emotions. And I'm not an emotional guy. I didn't cry when Han Solo got frozen in carbonite, when Harry took AJ's place to sacrifice himself to blow up the meteor, when that hunter shot Bambi's mom, or when Trinity dies (HILARIOUS!). I didn't even flinch when President Bartlet was assassinated in Season 5 of the West Wing (sorry for the spoiler, those of you who were working your way through the series). 

Just kidding about Bartlet. He doesn't die until Season 6. 

PSYCHE! Don't worry. I can't remember when he dies. 

No, no, no, he doesn't die, he's Martin Sheen for God's sake. Cripes. But ya, The Notebook, talk about a wave of feelings. You know the only thing more emotional than watching The Notebook? Watching Nights In Rodanthe and then The Notebook BACK TO BACK! I did that. I know, crazy, right? I sobbed for 3 days straight, including one whole day of work. Luckily my bosses thought I had just gotten back from a funeral, cause I think I told them I was going to one so I could get out of work a couple days before. 

Anyway, ever since then, I haven't been able to watch a movie with Rachel McAdams without crying like a baby. It's really awkward watching Wedding Crashers with my friends because I burst into tears every time she is on screen.

Anyway, before I start getting misty here, I'm sure the real reason you're here is to read about some more legal words that haunt my sole. That wasn't a typo. These words haunt the sole of my flip flop because one day I threw my law school notes on the ground and stomped on them in an insane rage because I was so fed up trying to wrap my ahead around all that bullplop, so, on top of everything else, I have haunted Reefs.  

Where was I? Oh yes. Words. Legal ones. Learning them. Do you want to? I think I know the answer to that. HELL NO! Well, guess what, we're going to anyway because we have to. Just think about all of the boring conversations you'll be able to have with people at cocktail parties and luncheons after this series is over. I know I have them. . . . . . . . . . a lot. 

So, let's get to it. Don't worry, It'll be as quick and painless as ripping off a band-aid. A band-aid made out of duct tape. That's covering a patch of pubic hair. Ok, thumbs up guys, PART C, let's do this!!   

• "IIED"--also known by its full name, Intentional Infliction of Emotional Distress. It's proved by showing that the person "intentionally or recklessly" engaged in "extreme and outrageous conduct" that resulted in "severe emotional distress." How do you know if the "conduct" was "extreme and outrageous"? Well, it makes you stand up and say "that's outrageous!" Not a joke. Some judge wrote that as the legal standard for determining if conduct is extreme and outrageous. So, technically, nothing in real life qualifies, because who yells "that's outrageous!" when they see something, even if it is? If that's the standard, then I guess the closes thing to actually qualifying that I can think of is a spider monkey being an adult at 3 years old. (Wait for minute 1:27).  

• "Contributory Negligence"--remember negligence from yesterday's post? It's when you breach a duty (hehe). But sometimes, the injured person is just as big of a careless moron as the rich person they are blaming for their injury. Used to be that if this was the case, the injured person got jack squat. Now, they just get their money reduced by whatever percentage the jury finds they were at fault. Isn't that nice? They share! Everyone hold hands, and let's sing a round. I'll start. Kumbayaaaaa my looorrrrd. . . . 

• "Corporate Veil"--Did you know that corporations are people? That's right - they have freedom of speech rights, can enter contracts, sue or be sued, and they even poop (everyone does). Well, since corporations are people, when "they" do something wrong the corporation itself needs to be held accountable, not the poor, helpless CEOs and Directors. That wouldn't be fair. The "corporate veil" is a thin layer of netting material, usually white, that corporate officers and directors hide behind so they can't get in trouble for the bad things they do. But if you pierce the veil, then they are liable to pay all the money they owe, and hoooooooo boy, you know what that means. Government bailout!

• "Parol Evidence"--I know what you're thinking. Go on, say it. EHHHHHHHH WRONG! It's not evidence you present at a parol (which is actually spelled p-a-r-o-l-E) hearing. I thought the exact same thing. Good guess, though. Parol-without-the-e Evidence is actually some boring crap that has to do with something like trying to introduce evidence that's not a part of a written contract, but who the hell can keep track of these things when we have to prepare for our parole hearings? 

• "Respondeat Superior"--uh . . . um . . . see the thing about this is . . . . HEY! LOOK OVER THERE! (rapid footsteps down stairs, car engine starting and peeling away).

• "Present Sense Impression"--This is an exception to the "hearsay" rule we discussed on day 1. A "present sense impression" is a "statement describing an event made while the declarant (remember that one?) was perceiving the event." Basically, this rule stands for the notion that, if someone makes a statement about something while that something is happening, then the statement's probably reliable to use as evidence even if the person isn't testifying to it under oath. What this means for you is, if you ever get attacked, you should immediately start narrating in great detail. This may get harder the more savagely you get beaten, but try to keep it up--it could be well worth it down the road as evidence. Here's an example to get you started: "Hey Bob, I see that you are walking into the room rather quickly and brandishing a wooden baseball bat. Your face is flushed and you appear perturbed. You are saying to me that you know I slept with your wife. Now you are yelling at me to stop saying everything that you are saying, and to be a man and admit that I slept with your wife. Now you look really angry. Furious, actually. I'd even venture to say you look insane with rage. You are running at me at a rapid pace, and you appear to be winding up for a swing. Now you are swinging the bat at my head at full spe--" See, if someone heard you say all that, they could introduce it as evidence against Bob, even though it's hearsay. Learning is fun, huh?

• "Reasonable Suspicion that Criminal Activity Was Afoot"--It sounds like something Sherlock Holmes used to say to dear old Watson, once his heightened senses perceived a clue, but it's really just the excuse cops have to give when they feel you up. 

• "K" - For some inexplicable reason, this is the standard abbreviation used in law school for the word "contract." I don't really see it. True, "K" has the same aspirated sound when you pronounce it like a hard "c", the one that starts "contract", but, I mean it's kind of a stretch if you ask me. As far as I know, "C" isn't some widely used law-related abbreve, so I don't know why they couldn't have just used that. Anyway, it's also a slang term for agreeing to something when you're kind of in a pissy mood. ("Will you please take out the trash? I've asked you five times." "K.")

• "Exigent Circumstances"--a catch-all phrase cops use when they did something illegal but want to be able to use the evidence they found anyway, usually preceded by rapid shifty eyes coupled with a sheepish grin, and a mischievous shrug. JUDGE: "Officer, why did you break in front door without a warrant and beat a confession out of that elderly woman without reading her her Miranda Rights?" OFFICER: (slight pause,  rapid shifty eyes, eyes light up) "Exigent circumstance?" (sheepish grin, and a mischievous shrug). Everyone shares a huge laughing session, the end credits music kicks in, and the frame freezes as the judge and the officer walk away, arms around each other, while the elderly lady struggles to lift herself from the ground.

• "Meets and Bounds"--Let's say you have a map. Your standard Mercator Projection. Now, zoom in approximately 1 gajillion times so that you are about at 2 levels above Google Street view so you are looking at a single plot of land. And stare at it. What's more tedious and boring than this? I'll tell you what--"meets and bounds." This is where, instead of staring at a map of land, you read a paragraph describing the land in exhaustive detail, with no pictures at all. ("Start at the southeastern-most corner of blah blah blah. Turn 45 degrees north-north-west. walk approximately 50 paces. . . . ") It's sort of like the world's lamest treasure hunt because when it's all over, you end up right where you started. And there's no treasure. And you're still in law school. Joke's on you! Hey, law school, if I wanted to learn cartography, I would have gone to the Magellan Institute of Circumnavigation. COUNT IT!

Well, we appear to have reached the end of yet another installment of THE LIST. And just when I was starting to get mildly engaged in the content. What did I tell you - like a band-aid right? We'll just be walking with limps for a couple of days.  

I know I'll see you tomorrow, so, let's not say goodbye. Let's just say, au revoir. No, let's say goodbye.

MikeeP

Part II: My Life Was Better Before Law School Because I Never Knew These Words/Phrases Existed

Wow. You're back. 

I didn't expect to see you again.

No, not you . . . you, on the left. 

I knew you would be back. You have geek written all over you. I mean please, the hair. . . the clothes  . . . the fact that you read this blog. . . I mean, it's like your mom went to a sperm bank and she picked out a donor cocktail that was one part Milhouse Van Houten, one part Doc from Back to the Future, and one part that guy who invented Facebook, and out popped you 9 months later. 7 if you were a premie. I've never seen a nerd as big as you and I once bought a 15lb box of Nerds from Costco. This law school stuff is probably like candy to you. Nerds candy. Ok, this analogy has gotten out of control.

But I didn't think you would have the stomach to come back for another round of Law School Words that I blissfully didn't know existed until 3 years ago but are now forever seared in my brain just like a brand on a bull's ass. You remember the title of this series is "my life was better . . . BEFORE . . . I knew these words", right? Either you have short term memory loss, or you are a glutton for punishment, either way, I'm concerned, and you should probably seek some therapy. 

 Anyway, both of you shut up for a minute and listen to ME now. This is my blog, I have the floor. Or the wall. What I was trying to say earlier is that I wasn't kidding yesterday when I said that it was going to be a 4-5 part mini-series of blog posts about horrible Law School Words. This is happening, and I'm actually about to start in on today's words in just a minute. Any of you sons of bitches have a problem with that, you GET THE HELL OUT OF HERE! 

Sorry, I just came back from a Lamaze Birthing Class, and I guess I picked up a little too much on what the instructor was saying. No, I wasn't there because I'm going to have a baby. I go for the free ice chips.

By the way, did you notice that I just recently figured out how to insert links into the text of my blog? 

Anyway, I was glad to hear, from some, that yesterday's post was both informative and stimulating, but I got some critiques as well. I think specifically, one person said, "MikeeP, I love you, but If I wanted to read something online written by a moron who is clearly just an attention whore and has what is obviously only an elementary grasp, if any, of the legal terminology they are discussing/using, I would follow myself on Twitter, you'betcha." Yes, that's right. Sarah Palin reads my blog.

Ok, you got me. She didn't actually write that. I knew you weren't fooled as soon as you realized that it was a coherent sentence. Here's some stuff she actually did say, though. She really does read my blog though, or so I'm told by what I consider to be credible sources (my neighbor's cat).  Hey, Pales (I call her "Pales"), I kid! Thanks for taking a break from reading the palm of your hand during speeches to read my blog. 

So, now that I got the biting political humor out of the way, I think we're ready for some more words. Please feel free to refer to yesterday's post if you want even more context. 

• "Fee Simple"--this does not mean an uncomplicated method of paying your lawyer for telling you if the court has jx in your case. Actually, a "fee simple" is a "stick" in the "bundle of property rights." It's the best stick because it has the sturdiest build and the least amount of knots. If you're lucky, sometimes it comes stained in a rich mahogany. It means that you own something for a perpetually infinite amount of time! Too bad you're mortal and going to have to face the fact that you will die one day. Anyway, until you do kick it, if anyone comes near the property you own in "fee simple", you can use this "stick" to bash them in the head, and the police are forbidden from doing anything about it (look it up, it's in the Constitution). For an even greater effect, try tying a pointy rock to the end. 

• "Equitable Servitude"--This is another simple one. This is nothing more than an agreement that you make with a neighbor to not do something on your land, such as start a nudist colony (something I'd never agree to). It's basically the exact same thing as a "real covenant." (haha! gotcha, that link didn't go anywhere on purpose).The only difference is when you sue someone for breaking an"equitable servitude", you can only sue them for injunctive relief, not damages, so don't mix the two up, dumbass. Oh, the other catch is that for an "equitable servitude" to be valid, it must "touch and concern the land." This sounds easy enough, but land, being the promiscuous hussy that it is, is rarely "concerned" when it is "touched." So, don't hold your breath on winning your lawsuit to enforce an "equitable servitude." 

• "Mailbox Rule"--this rule stands for the notion that, when 2 people are making a contract entirely by sending letters back and forth through the mail and never once meeting in person or speaking over the phone, or even by telegraph, one person has "accepted" an "offer" the MOMENT they dispatch the written acceptance, not when the person making the offer actually receives the acceptance. This rule only comes into play when one person is a total asshole and decides to legally hold you to the terms of a contract because they put a letter into the mailbox 2 minutes before you called them to tell them the deal was off. 

• "Minimum Contacts"--I always have trouble with this one. It's either the lowest possible prescription for your corrective lenses that you are allowed to wear when driving at night, or has something to do when you are trying to determine if a court has jx. Remember what I said yesterday about trying to understand when there is jx? Go get me that jaw-ripper thing from Saw and then kill yourself.

• "In Rem"--this comes from a famous case called Pennoyer v. Neff. Fuck that case.

• "Tort"--Recipe for Strawberry Tort: 

1 (16-ounce) package frozen strawberries, thawed

1 tablespoon cornstarch

2 (8-ounce) packages cream cheese

1 cup granulated sugar

2 teaspoons vanilla extract

2 cups (1 pint) whipping cream

2 (12-ounce) packages ladyfinger cookies

1. Strain strawberries and set aside, reserving juices. In a saucepan bring cornstarch and strawberry juice to a gentle boil. Remove from heat and let cool.
2. Beat cream cheese, sugar, and vanilla together until smooth. In a separate bowl beat whipping cream until stiff peaks form. Fold whipped cream into cream cheese mixture.
3. Arrange ladyfingers around sides and bottom of the 8 or 9-inchspringform pan, standing ladyfingers lengthwise around sides of pan.Pour half the filling into pan, then place a layer of ladyfingers on top of filling. Pour remaining filling over ladyfingers. Spread strawberry sauce over top of cake and place the strawberries on top. Refrigerate for several hours before removing from pan.

Makes 8 servings.

• "Tortfeasor"--this is someone who commits a "tort," so also kind of like a pastry chef. Also known by some as a "tartfeasor." 

• "Remittur/Additur"--this is a process by which a judge tells the jury, "hey, I know you agreed to not go to work for four months so you could sit here and listen to scientists, (who have a personality like Ben Stein in Ferris Beuller, but real), drone for hours upon hours about the seepage rates of tetracycline for only $1 a day, and I know you then deliberated for 32 hours in order to decide on the amount of money this defendant should pay for poisoning these kids based on some complicated law, but I'm gonna just erase your verdict and tell them to pay what I think is fair. Thanks for stoppin' by, though. You were great!"

• "Proximate Cause"--See, in the law of "tarts", excuse me, "torts," someone who gets hurt sues the person with the most money who is at least tangentially connected to the accident (cause everyone knows, no pain reliever in the world compares with gettin' paid, yo!). Anyway, to determine if the person with the most money is "responsible" for the injury caused, you, as the attorney, first have to decide whether the rich person was negligent. You do this by determining if they owed the person who got hurt a "duty of care." If they did owe a duty (hehe, doodie), then you have to decide whether they breached that duty (hehe, doodie). If they did breach the duty, then they were negligent. Then, you have to decide if the person-with-money's breach of duty (hehe, doodie) was the "cause-in-fact" of the hurt person's injury. THEN you have to decide if the breach of duty was the "proximate cause" of the injury. It's basically like saying, "are you sure they caused the injury? Are you really sure? No, are you like totally, seriously, 100% sure? Like positive? Positive positive? For realsies?"  

• "Wanton Disregard"--a terrible, yet all-too-common tragedy that occurs when you order 3 entrees of Chinese take-out, and forget all about the fried crab wantons until you are too stuffed to eat another bite. It's rumored that if you wait 1 hour, you'll be hungry again and stop disregarding your wanton. MMMMMM, waaanntooonnn. Unfortunately, by that time it will be cold. 

That about wraps it up for Part II of the LIST. Boy, I don't know about you, but I could really use some pastries and Chinese food right about now. That always happens to me after thinking about the law. All I know is if any of you moochers get near my law-food, I'll be bashing you with my fee simple stick. 

In any case, I'll see you tomorrow. If I see you, then I'll know that you're the kind of person who, when they get kicked in the nuts, they lean into it. Until then, I'm off to Lamaze to get me some more ice chips. 

PLAY ME OUT, PALES!!

MikeeP

My Life Was Better Before Law School Because I Never Knew These Words/Phrases Existed

As some of you may know, and as the rest of you are going to know unless you stop reading now, I, for some inexplicable reason, went to law school.

I also, for some reason, stuck it out and graduated this spring.

Why, you ask? I don't know. Why did you finish all of those Power Hours in college?  Why did Warner Bros. finish making the third Matrix movie?

Because some things sound like a good idea at the outset, and after a certain point you're committed and it's better to push through than back out, even if you're only at minute 37 and you've already puked up all of the shots of Steel Reserve you drank, or even though the plot is so convoluted and the acting has gotten so shitty that the audience laughs their asses off when Trinity dies. 

It's like streaking during church - by the time you're butt-naked wearing nothing but your dress socks, standing there your khakis ares down around your ankles, and the decon has already turned around and seen your junk and screamed, you're gonna look like a bigger asshole if you don't follow through, so you might as well take a lap up to the alter, do a little "windmill" and "painting the fence," and ask for forgiveness later.     

Anyway, that nicely circles me back to what I was saying earlier. I also for some reason took the Bar Exam in July, and although I surbibed with only tribial blain damblage, the results come out this Friday, and I have been thinking about law school stuff that I had stuffed into dark corners of my brain the minute the exam finished on July 29.

One night back when I was studying for the exam, after I had been in the library for the 7th hour on the 53rd day of study and was desperate to do anything other than continue memorizing latin and 7-part factor tests, I started a list of words and phrases that, as a horrible consequence of sticking out law school, I now know, and cannot ever un-know, no matter how much I drink.

In honor of this being the week that bar results come out, I've decided to share this list with you. These are words that I have stuck in my head for the rest of my life unless, God-willing, I get early onset dementia and start believing that I am a space ninja sent to Earth from a parallel universe to save the monkeys that have been infected with a nearly incurable specie of lice. In that case, I will have no use for these words, I will most likely have forgotten them, as all I will care about is finding out where I can get my hands on a pair of salon-grade trimmers so I can shave all of the monkeys in the world lest they be doomed to be itching their shoulders and butt-holes their whole lives. 

Most of these words rightfully sound like complete jibberish to a normal person. So, I might throw in some helpful explanations here and there to give you some context by which to understand them. Who knows, after you're done you might say the hell with getting a lawyer the next time you're arrested for indecent exposure for streaking in a church and decide to represent yourself using one or all of these words/phrases. The judge might even appreciate your attempt to use the jargon of her profession before she charges you with contempt and adds a few more months to your sentence. 

And hey, when you're in your cell, if you find yourself bored, you can simply recite the list of words out loud to keep yourself entertained. Plus then the other inmates might think you're insane, maybe insane enough to do something dangerous and unpredictable. Then they might leave you alone. You can look back fondly on this blog and silently thank it for helping you avoid becoming Bubba's bitch. 

If you already know what these words and phrases mean, I'm sorry. I'm sorry that you're a nerd. 

Oh, by the way, the list I made was 42 words/phrases long, and those were just the ones that I could think of off the top of my head that one day I was bored in the law school library. There are many, many, many more. So, instead of inundating you with 42 words an explanations, I  have decided to break up this list into a 4-5 day mini-series. It will save both of us some sanity, and it will also allow me to write 4-5 blog entries without thinking of a new topic. In other words, everyone wins, especially me. But especially you. 

Anyway, without further ado, I present PART ONE of the "MY LIFE WAS BETTER BEFORE LAW SCHOOL BECAUSE I NEVER KNEW THESE WORDS/PHRASES EXISTED" LIST:

• "Jx"--probably the worst of the entire list for many reasons, not the least of which being that you have to use it in just about every class you take. It's shorthand for "jurisdiction." Why is jurisdiction so important, you ask? Because without it, a court can't do shit in a particular case. How do you know if a court has jx? I'll save you the trouble and tell you to just go kill yourself now. And please kill me while you're at it, preferably in a way that's less painful than trying to understand when a court has jx. Like that mask from Saw that pulls your jaw apart. 

• "Decendent"--a fancy-pants way of saying "dead person."

• "Pretermitted"--this one is relatively straightforward. A baby could grasp it. If someone is "pretermitted", they are most likely a potential heir or beneficiary that was inadvertently omitted by a testator in the creation of a valid holographic will. This might necessitate a "codicil" to correct. See, simple, right?

• "Codicil"--see above. No other explanation needed. 

• "Joinder"--identical twins whose bodies are joined in utero. A rare phenomenon, the occurrence is estimated to range from 1/50,000 to 1/100,000 with a somewhat higher incidence in Southeast Asia and Africa. Wait, sorry. That's "conjoined twins". I forget what "joinder" means. Something legal-y.

• "Res Judicata"--this is where you have, like, a case  . . . and there was a case before it . . . and they decided the case . . . but someone else is trying to bring a case . . . and so they can't bring it . . . because . . . Goddamn I shouldn't have drank so much my first year. 

• "Promissory Estoppel/Detrimental Reliance"--Oh boy, it's a horrible fact of life that if you go to law school you will learn the word "estoppel." Here is a fun thing about "estoppel": it's used in every area of law, but it always means something slightly different. So you are never sure what someone is talking about when they say "estoppel." Neat, huh? Another interesting fact: the word "estoppel" is not recognized by Microsoft Word spell check. It auto-corrects it to "estoppels." What the fuck is an "estoppels", you ask? I don't know. They were afraid to tell me.  Also, it never gets old when people say " please estop that", even when it's been said 9,853 times before. Never.

• "Extrinsic Evidence"--this is evidence that's not intrinsic. Duh.

• "Forum Non Conveniens"--this is just a fancy way to say "inconvenient forum." That just means that the case shouldn't be heard in a particular court, but some asshole decided it would be cute to put in in the terms of a dead language so that everyone has to say "Excuse me?" the first time they hear it, and then nod their head knowingly and say "ohhhh" while not really understanding the second time they hear it. Don't mix this up with jx though, it has nothing to do with jx--they are separate doctrines. God have mercy on you then.

• "Subpoena Duces Tecum"--a subpoena for you to bring physical evidence. "Duces" means "thing", and "tecum" means "take-em," as in "take them," as in "I'm going to take them things from you." It is rumored that this phrase comes from Native Americans, though attempts to verify this rumor have resulted in a sharp increase in hurt feelings, so it's better to just chalk it up to Latin like all the other weird sounding phrases. Oh, and a "supboena" is like a shitty annoying bossy piece of paper that you have to listen to or else bad things happen to you. Sort of like a fortune cookie. 

• "Declarant"--a "dude" who "talks." This word is used in discussing the meaning of "hearsay" evidence. If you're curious what "hearsay" is because it gets thrown around a lot in TV and movies, the literal, actual definition of "hearsay" in the Evidence Code is this: "a statement, other than the one made by the declarant when testifying at trial, offered into evidence to prove the truth of the matter asserted." Hearsay cannot be offered as evidence. Not too bad, right? Oh except you have to define "statement." and who the "declarant" is. And whether the "statement" was "offered" to "prove the truth of the matter asserted." And sometimes, hearsay isn't hearsay, so the "statement" can be "offered" even if it is "to prove the truth of the matter asserted." Also there's at least 15 hearsay exceptions that you have to MEMORIZE for every test you ever take on it. Have fun with that. Also, "declarant" is not recognized by Word either. That should tell you something.

• "Affiant"--sort of like a declarant, except they are swearing to the truth of shit in a warrant. This means, if you ever are searched by the police who come to your house with a warrant, you are going to want to find the "affiant" and ask what the fuck you ever did to them. Also, no one knows whether it's pronounced "AFF-ee-yant" or "aff-EYE-ant," not even that judge from The Wire. 

Anyway, that about does it for PART ONE of this LIST. If your head is hurting right now, I don't blame you, but keep your damn whining to yourself. I have at least 30 more of these words, and their definitions, in my head, and I had to keep them straight and regurgitate them onto a page (not literally though, thankfully). I'm not saying that to impress you. I don't want your admiration any more than I want your pity, your money, or your first born sons. All I want is to make you share some of my pain and have to carry the burden of knowing some of these God-awful words. And also your money.

And in that sense, I've succeeded. You now know 12 of words that I had to learn in law school. We suffer together. The past is the past, and I don't have a time machine (yet), so I can't go back and not have gone to law school. Just like you can't go back and not have read this blog. You're already committed, so you might as well keep reading. 

See you tomorrow for more learnd-ing!

Affectionately yours (and my yours, I mean mine),

MikeeP