No English

If you are going to a country where you don't speak the language, there are some important phrases you need to learn.

If this applies to you, you are in luck! For I have contemplated and come up with a list of what I consider to be some of the most important phrases. Here is the problem, however--I don't know where you are traveling. Or if you are traveling at all. Or even specifically who you are--to me as I write this, you are really just a hypothetical potential reader (I mean that in the most affectionate way possible).

Therefore, the ball is in your court to translate them into whatever language applies--Spanish, German, Portuguese, Russian, Japanese, Cantonese, Lithuanian, Hindi, Arabic, Dutch, Czech, Icelandic, Swahili,  Canadian (very similar to English, but you have to add in an "eh" about every other word), Pig Latin, Elvin, or even the Binary Language of Moisture Vaporators (or even Binary Load Lifters--very similar to Vaporators in most respects). 

Or French, but who the fuck wants the taste of that language in their mouth.

Whatever language you need for whatever place you are headed, here is a website that will help you translate.  You might want to try translating some of the phrases now, if you need some time to kill. http://www.worldlingo.com/products_services/worldlingo_translator.html

So, without further ado here are what I consider to be the 28 most important phrases you will need to know in the native language of wherever you go: 

"Hello."

"What is your name?"

"My name is Brad Pitt." 

"I know, I look much smaller in person. But I swear--I'm him."

"How are you?" 

"I am fine." 

"I know, you didn't ask, but I am having an unusually good day so I thought I would tell you. What do you mean go fuck myself?" 

"Excuse me, I am not from here. Is there some reason why all of the women have hairy armpits?"  

"Are you sure a strip-search is necessary?"

"Yes, I have my passport--it's in my backpack."

"Who unzipped my backpack? Hey! Stop!! Someone stop that guy--he stole my passport!!"

"Where is the bathroom? I think I feel something poking out."

"Oh, another cathedral. Wow." 

"Oh yeah, you're right, the columns in this one really are slightly more Romanesque than the other 3. Hey, is there a pub around here?"

"Why is this beer flat? You mean it's supposed to taste like this?"

"This tastes great. What is in this? Dog, you say? Hmm. Oh, nothing, I'm just looking for my vomit bag."

"What interesting weather. Do the rivers usually flood the village up to waist level?"

"Oh my, I am so embarrassed. I thought all beaches here were nude beaches. By the way, do you happen to which brand of aloe vera works best for butt cheeks?"

"How much? Are you serious? No, that is too much for a bribe." 

"I love you. No, really, I mean it."

"Good morning! Um, you're going to think this is so shallow, but what was your name again?"

"This hostel has some really nice rooms. I didn't know that they could fit 20 single beds in this small of a space."

"How far is this hostel from the center of town? 30 miles? Mother-f*%#$#!!"

"Wow this building is really tall. How high up are we? Like 56 stories? Wow, what would happen if I dropped a penny off the ledge? Relax, I'm not gonna . . . oh shit, I dropped it. Oh wow, even from this high up you can see a lot of blood." 

"Interesting, I've never seen AK-47's this close up before. Can you please stop pointing that in my face? What? Oh, ok, I'll get in the car with you. Where are we going?"

"This is really embarrassing, but this lion seems to be chewing on my leg. Any suggestions?"

"I'm sorry officer, I swear I didn't know she was a hooker. What do you mean he?!"

"Fuck this place, I'm going home and never leaving again!"

And, the most important phrase you will need to learn, because it will come in useful if you don't learn any of the rest of the list: "I don't speak [insert language here]. Except for that. And that. And that."

Anyway, I hope you find these phrases as useful as I did when I traveled. Just kidding, I didn't use them. All of them, anyway. Or did I?

Have a safe flight, and I'll see you when, or if, you return to Amurrica.

Mikee P

By the way, if you have some time, which I know you do since you are reading this, check these out:

Absolutely hilarious video: http://www.hulu.com/watch/116580/saturday-night-live-lawrence-welk-show---winter

Awesome time waster: http://www.reddit.com/

How I wish I could spend my days at work: http://www.dula.tv/watch.php?file=paul-rudds-computer.flv

Some of the best critics and reviews of all your favorite film, TV, music, books, and games: http://www.avclub.com/

Body Farts and Other Weird Things About Working Out. Also, Human Nature and Alien Nerds

So I'm sitting here watching my girlfriend and her friends do a video workout in our living room. Yes, this is my life.

Bleak as my existence might seem in this instance (thank you for your sympathy and I accept any mocking that you feel I deserve), the scenario before me actually makes me think a lot about human nature. I sometimes like to think about how alien anthropologists would look at our civilization and attempt to analyze and explain certain phenomena that crop up.

One example that comes to mind is Las Vegas. How would those extra terrestrials who have chosen to study homo sapiens on Earth view a cluster of poorly replicated wonders of ancient civilizations in the middle of a barren scorching desert? What cultural significance would they read into our species' developers erecting the Sphinx and Pyramid of Giza right next to a cartoon version of Camelot (complete with a Krispy Kreme inside!), catty corner to the Eiffel Tower, and right down the street from the Grand Canal of Venice (with the notable addition of a wax museum), and mere blocks away from a bizzarro version of the Space Needle with a roller coaster on top?

 (Tangent: it's catty corner, NOT kitty corner, I will literally physically fight anyone on this. Go ahead and take a run at me if you are feeling strong.)

Amazingly, this ties back in to my lame-ass life, sitting in my living room having my many, many favorite TV shows trumped by the gf and her amigas doing video aerobics. Another example, and the original thing I meant to write about in this post: what would alien PhD's interpret about human beings' need to work out?

I know that working out is a "healthy" thing to do, and I do it, begrudgingly. However, for some reason, the sight of people, including (or especially) myself, working out is hilarious to me. For a long time, I had a hard time starting a workout routine because the thought of myself working out was too ridiculous, or maybe because I was too self-conscious because I would think that other people watching me work out would laugh (rightly so--World Bodybuilding Champion, I am not). There is just something funny about a person standing in one spot, lifting weights up and down several times in a row, or stretching into odd contortions on a yoga mat, or dancing in place in front of a television set.

Beyond the sight of working out being funny, there are several other things about working out that are just awkward, such as body farts. I'm not taking about actual farts, which of course everyone agrees, are awkward enough to let slip out while doing squat thrusts. I'm talking about body farts, like the ones that some people can do by putting their hand under their armpits and flapping their arm.

How does a body fart (or "Arkansas Barking Spider" as it's known in scientific circles) occur while working out, you ask? As I said above, I have recently been making myself work out, although it is often against my will (it's a strange inner battle in which I cannot lose, but I still never win). One part of my "routine" if you can call it that, is ab crunches. As most of you know (and for the sake of the few of you out there that are more workout ignorant than me), for crunches, you generally lie on a mat on the ground and raise your upper body towards the sky, or ceiling, or whatever is above you. According to science, this motion "crunches" your abs, which in technical terms, "makes your gut go away". Nothing so embarrassing so far.

Except that every once in a while my back creates a suction on the workout mat, so that when I raise my body up to do the crunches, it makes a sound that is just like . . . well, you know. Channel Number 2 at full volume. This is quite awkward. Especially when I am trying to make it up to 30 crunches, and this sound happens on every crunch. A casual listener standing, sitting, or crunching nearby might be led to rationally conclude that I was cutting the cheese 30 times in a row. Needless to say, I don't get many volunteers to be my spotters at the gym.

So what would those alien nerds write down and attempt to impart to their grad students in anthropology 101 classes on Mars (or Titan or Space-Earth or wherever their galactic universities are located) if they observed me working out and mistakenly concluded that I was tooting the backdoor trumpet 30 times while exercising?

They might conclude that I was engaging in classic anti-social behavior. Or, if they realized that I wasn't actually busting a grumpy, they might be led to believe that I was a moron to continue engaging in an activity that would make everyone near me want to leave. They would probably be right.

And they would be nerds, by the way. I mean, just because they are aliens, which is inherently badass, doesn't mean that some of them aren't grade A dorks. Seriously, people. Stop putting them up on a pedestal just because they are short, gray, and have giant eyes and heads.

Well, it looks like the video workout is over. So what did we learn tonight? We learned that alien scientists would find Las Vegas confusing, some aliens are nerds, and there are many, many synonyms for the word "fart." (if you perchance find out you want to know more, click here! http://www.heptune.com/fartword.html).

All in all, a good night.

MikeeP

Hopefully this is the beginning of a new string of posts. I have newfound free time now that school and the Bar is over, and there is always distraction to be had. You're never too old, educated or mature to waste time.