My Pups Are Like The Forrest Gumps of The Dog World Without All the Acomplishments

I am a fan of dogs.

I don't want to get into the whole dogs vs. cats make-better-pets debate. Everyone has their preferences, some like having happy, playful best friends, others prefer desperately pining for just one hint of affection from cold, reclusive, borderline-emotionally-abusive snobs. Let's leave it as "to each his/her/sher (trying to include everyone) own", and my "own" in this category, is a resounding "dogs." I figure pets is one area where you can take the liberty of not having to do/say/feed the right thing all the time.

Being a dog-owner also teaches you the important life lesson of loving and caring for something even when it is a total idiot. This may come in handy in life to a lot of us, and it's probably good to have had some practice.

Hence my pups. They are 7 year old Shelties. For those of you that aren't familiar with this particular breed, "Sheltie" stands for Shetland Sheepdogs. They are called that because they are originally bred from a land called Shet and they are dumber than sheep. Basically, they are like midget Lassies, except when Timmy is trapped in a well, instead of going to his parents and barking directions to save him, they stand at the edge of the well looking down at him, panting with blank stares on their faces, or they get distracted and chase squirrels until they collapse from exhaustion. Or in my dogs' case, they get too close and fall down into the well with Timmy.

I got these two pups when I was a senior in high school. Earlier that year, our family's first pup, also a Sheltie that my siblings and I named Lassie in an especially ingenious moment of 8, 4 and 2 year old inventiveness, had to be put to sleep due to kidney failure. It was actually very sad--Lassie was our first real pet and she was a great dog. She was extremely fat though--I have a picture of her sitting where she looks like a furry Jabba the Hutt. We had Lassie cremated after she died--the vet had to give us a bigger than normal box to hold all of her ashes because she was so big--making what I felt was a fairly rude comment when she tossed the box on the table like a losing hand in poker, something to the effect of "we had to steal a box from the dumpster outside pottery barn in order to fit these ashes of your fat dog. Maybe if you take better care of your next pet, it won't engorge itself to the point of ruining its kidneys and our job wont be as hard." It was 7 years ago, and I was fairly grief-stricken, so this recollection may be slightly askew. I know I hated that vet though. Anyway, we still have the box--we keep it near our fireplace and have changed Lassie's name to "Ashy".

Our 2 new pups--though they really aren't "new" anymore--are also great dogs. Their names are Sydney and Shabazz (I got to name one of them, but I won't tell which one). Let me describe them to you. They are brother and sister, born from the same litter. Sydney is skinny--she weighs about 15 pounds, and her ears point straight up--she basically looks like a fox. She is fast and "smart"--definitely the leader of the pair--but is neurotic as hell. Picture a combination of Woody Allen, Paul Giomatti and the Rainman on speed, and you've got Sydney. Despite originally being a bit-standoffish, she is pretty affectionate now, as long as you don't grab and move her left forepaw--then she'll snap in your face.

Shabazz is quite on the opposite end of the spectrum in every way. He's twice as big as Syd--he weighs 30 pounds. We think he got so fat because when he was a pup, he broke his front paw, and couldn't run around with Syd for 6 weeks. Instead, he started eating her food along with his whenever she freaked out and chased a squirrel along the backyard fence, which is literally always, and he hasn't stopped to this day. He, unlike Syd, is on the simpler side, but this makes him loveable--he is kind of like a lot of Chris Farley characters, but not as insane. He is not neurotic at all--he's always happy and in a good mood, and he always comes up to you wherever you're sitting and sits right next to you and leans against you. This move may be equally motivated by a need to support all of his excess fat in addition to the love factor, but it's still sweet when he does it.

I love both of these pups to death. But that doesn't change the fact that they exhibit borderline-retarded behavior on an hourly basis.

Let me give you an example. Unlike Lassie (remember, the old dead dog?--who when you threw a toy at her, let it hit her in the face and laid down because she was so fat and lazy), Syd and Baz love to play. But they play like they have brain damage.

Shabazz will bring you a ball, or chew toy, and drop it at your feet. So far, normal dog behavior. But when you pick it up and throw it, he just stands there barking at you for 5 minutes, and you have to point and say "go get it! go get it!" around 50 times before he actually turns and retreives the ball. After the first toss, you're ready to say "to hell with this" and be done. And then he comes back and drops it again, acting all confused why you are over it so soon. Because I have to spend 5 minutes explaining to you what you need to do to keep playing EVERY TIME I throw the ball, that's why, you moron! It's a little exhausting.

Sydney's idea of "playing" is running around on the furniture and periodically stopping to watch as you play this remedial version of fetch with Shabazz. She gets so freakin excited, but she refuses to participate--not that there's much to participate in. What's even weirder is if both dogs are outside and you begin playing fetch with Baz, Sydney will run inside to run around and watch you play through the windows. Issues?

But those are not the only moronic things they do. They bark at weird shit. Every dog does this to a degree, but this is some wicked stuff. At some point in their lives, they must have gotten conditioned to bark at aerosol can spray sounds, like when my mom cooks and sprays Pam, they go apeshit. But it's carried over into imaginary spraying--if you hold your index finger like you are mimicking spraying a can and go "ttssssss", they bark their asses off! Why? Because they are re-re's, that's why.

They also have weird tics when it comes to going on walks. Whenever you say "do you wanna go on a walk?" or even just the word "walk," they go F-in nuts. Especially Shabazz. They run up to you, bark, jump on you--they get so excited that they knock the leashes out of your hands when you try to put them on. And you have to be careful when Bazzie jumps on you, its a lot of weight and he's been known to throw people off-balance, or in the case of some old ladies, knock them flat on their asses. This is of course hilarious to everyone watching, but it gets old after the 7th of so time you say "oh--let me help you with your walker" and they go even more insane and knock her down again.

They've even taken it to the next level--and this part is actually fairly smart on their end. If you say anything that rhymes with "do you wanna go on a walk", like "do you wish you could talk?" or "do you want to draw with chalk?", or "do you want me to shoot my Glock?" or "do you like Kirk better than Spock?" they do the same thing and go nuts and basically won't stop until you take them on a walk. Even weirder is they've figured out that we usually wear work-out related clothes when we take them on walks. So if you ever go upstairs and change into workout clothes and come back down--for any reason--Shabazz starts barking, then Sydney joins in and you either have to give in and walk them, or disappoint them and feel like an a-hole.

And the shit doesn't stop when you get out of the house either. Shabazz, in his infinite stupidity, insists on holding his leash in his mouth and growling at you until you reach the bottom of our cul-de-sac. Then he just drops it and ignores it like he completely forgot about it for the rest of the time. Sydney isn't much better. Neurotic as ever, she freaks out unless she walks to the right of everybody and up on the sidewalk. If you hold her on the left, she will walk/jump around you, Shabazz, and anyone else in order to get all the way to the right, which of course often ends up entagling everyone in the leashes, forcing us to stop and straighten it all out. Everything is fine until the next 10 feet where it all happens again. It's easy to imagine that, whenever they bark, they are saying in a slow, monotone Southern accent, "stupid is as stupid duz." Unfortunately in their case, they duz a lot of stupid.

For all of their Gump-esque qualities, you can't help but love Sydney and Shabazz. They are super friendly, always happy to see everyone, and they are loyal as hell. One of the things I miss most about being home is sitting on the couch watching a show, and Syd will just hop up, curl up next to me and fall asleep--they both usually end up following you to your bedroom and sleeping on your bed too. They also howl if you howl--they get a kick out of it too--it's really fun when we annoy my mom by howling quietly enough so that only the pups can hear, but then they start and it drives my mom crazy. What I love about them is that they love to play, and they are never in a bad mood. Towards people. Dogs are another story man--they F-in HATE other dogs.

Despite their incessant idiocy, these pups are sweet, affectionate, always fun to be around, and love their owners as much as we love them--basically awesome all-around. Think about that the next time you are dangling a string above your cat for 20 minutes begging for some kind of response while it lounges out and acts like you're not even there, SUCKA!

Hope you guys make it through the Friday without starting a riot in the office like I'm about to. Keep your eyes open for this weekends papers in case I do! I'll do the same.

In the words of Billy Zane in his best role of his career, "It's a walk-off! It's a walk-off."

Random Stuff:

Incredibly funny and little-known movie: The Foot Fist Way. I will most likely be dedicating a blog post to this movie's brilliance in the near future. Decide for Yourself:

Trailer: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7JQVul-k7Bc&feature=PlayList&p=F7171761FDE7B991&playnext=1&playnext_from=PL&index=15

Best Quotes Compilation: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Pjji2srrIeg

Great song you should check out: "Life & Debt" by the Blue Scholars. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9TikTT4F058

The Science of Disneyland

If you think I've told you weird stuff about myself so far, how bout this? I've been to Disneyland literally at least 30 times.

This is not a joke or an exaggeration--that's why I said literally just now. Well, it may need some clarification--I meant to say I've been to Disneyland OR Disneyworld 30 times, i.e. I've been to AH Disney park at least once a year every year of my life plus at least 6 more times. At least.

I've been so many times that I have the park layout memorized like a map in my head--if you asked me where any ride, concession stand, bathroom, store, restaurant, or stomping ground of the costume characters was in any Disney park, I could tell you. I could tell you how to get from any one of the above to any other. I could tell you the subtle differences between Disneyland Magic Kingdom and the DisneyWorld Magic Kingdom--slightly altered ride locations or ride availabilities.

And most sadly, I could tell you, in a totally scientific itinerary breakdown, the best way to maximize your Disney efficiency so that you hit every ride (even in more than one park), avoid lines, enjoy the right snacks at the right time, and still catch at least 1 parade and the late-night fireworks show. If you follow it exactly, you might get some time to sit and have a glass of wine at California Adventure's wine country (one of the only places in a Disney park where they serve alcohol).

Scared? Try not to be.

It started off, I think, as easy default family trips when me and my brother and sister were growing up. Fall break or winter break would come, and it was an easy and quick place to go.

I don't want you to get the wrong idea here--my family is not some bizzare group of Disney worshippers, who each have our own Mickey Ear hats with our names sewn into it. We don't name our dogs Goofie and Pluto, or keep life-size straw liknesses of Michael Eisner in our basement. Me, my brother and sister do have the entire Goofie Moovie memorized, but you know why by now (we are chronic repetetive movie watchers and memorizers).

And it's not like our parents never took us anywhere else--we've traveled to lots of places. It's just that Disney became a sort of tradition--it's always fun to take kids to Disneyland, and after a while it got to the point of being a kind of joke-tradition that we continue. It will most likely get up to at least 100 times before I die.

Anyway, I shouldn't be doing this because if enough people know the best way to cut the crowds at Disneyland, it will no longer be the fastest way to do it if everyone does it. BUT, I like you guys, so I'm going to give you the Mikee P and Family secret of how, if you ever go or go back to a Disney park, you should order the rides, etc. I will even give a more in depth breakdown of some of the rides so you can better enjoy them. I think I will do DisneyLand (Anaheim) rather than DisneyWorld (Orlando) because its smaller, there's only 2 parks, so it's much more managable when trying this itinerary for the first time. Of course, many of the itinerary items will be the same at Disney World, but there is no California Adventure there, so just omit that part and adjust as you see fit.

DOING ALL OF DISNEYLAND IN 1 DAY

Start: It's really best if you get there as close to open as possible. This is often 8 or 9 in the AM. (By the way, does anyone know what the hell AM and PM stand for? I have never known that). The reason why you want to get there early is because there is a key to doing this plan, and really getting the most out of the Disney experience: THE FAST PASS. For those of you who don't know, Fast Passes are mini tickets you get, for free, at certain rides, typically the rides that get the longest lines. The Fast Pass tells you a two hour window later in the day to come back at. When you come back, you can present your fast pass, skip the standard queue (known as the "standby line") and get in much faster. For example, the Standby line at Space Mountain can get up to like 2 hours during peak times. The Fastpass line is about 15 minutes. So you see, you save yourself an 1 and 45 mins right there. That's like 5 more rides at least, plus lunch, plus a parade.

But you have to do Fast Passes right. You only get 1 fast pass at a time--you can get a new FP as soon as the return time for your old one begins. And, the times fill up--so if you tried to get a fast pass at 6 PM for a very popular ride, like Space Mountain, all the fast passes might have been given away and you might be shit out of luck and have to wait in the standby line. So you have to time this well, and that's why you want to get there early--so you can start getting FP's for the most popular rides early and have time to get them all.

So, get there early. When the gates open, quickly, but calmly run or walk as fast as you can to Indiana Jones Temple of the Forbidden Eye (If you are at Disney World, go straight to Space Mountain, b/c there is no Indy ride). This is back and to the left from the entrance, in Adventureland.

If you get there really early, the standby line is short so you dont need a fastpass- you can save it for another ride. This ride is one of the most fun ones in the park--bouncy car ride that's pretty long. If you are bored in the line, look for these novelties--there is a room that is designed to look like its a collapsing room being held up by bamboo--Shake the wobbly bamboo stick--this is a trick designed to make the line more interesting--and the roof will lower a little bit like you set off the booby trap. It freaks some of the amateur tourists out and is good for a laugh. You can also pull on a rope that looks like it goes into a bottomless pit--if you do this, a recorded voice makes it sound like you are making him fall down the pit.

After Indy, go get a fast pass for Splash Mountain, in Frontierland--it's kind of a trek, but worth it--this ride fills up fast. You should have some time before the FastPass can be used. Kill it by going on rides that have short Standby lines like Jungle Cruise, The Haunted Mansion, and Pirates of the Caribbean--these are also right by each other so its easy.

Jungle Cruise may sound lame, but it's got sarcastic guides who basically make fun of everything you see. The script is pretty standard, but each driver has his own quirks of delivery or favorite jokes--if you get a really good one, you will be laughing the entire ride. Some great standard jokes that I always look for: "This Bengle Tiger can grow up to 5 tons and jump over 50 feet. Over there is the python--these can grow up to 5 tons and jump over 50 feet (repeated for several animals throughout the ride)"; I'd like to take the time to point out some of the vegetation here in the jungle" (guide then just points around to plants but doesnt say anything); and "(when describing 3 men climbing a pole trying to escape a rhinocerous and one is barely above the horn) I told those guys not to mess with the Rhino, but I'm sure they'll get the point in the end."

Anyway, Jungle Cruise and Pirates are great too. There's so much I want to tell you, but it would make this blog 30 pages long. In Haunted, look for the hologram ghosts at the end of the ride--and hope that you get the midget one--he is hilarious. If you are there around Christmas, they change the Haunted Mansion to Nightmare Before Christmas, which is pretty cool.

Outside Haunted, there is a popcorn vendor who also sells coke--I recommend getting some either before or after that ride to enjoy in line. There is also a Churro vendor nearby. Get all of these at various points throughout the day.

At this point, you should use your fastpass for Splash Mountain. It is a great log-flume ride, very entertaining and a lot of good drops. Be ready to pose for the picture at the big drop at the end, the one where you see Brer Rabbits shadow on the wall. You will know its coming. Some poses I reccommend: pretending to puke off the side, looking bored like you want to kill yourself, picking your nose, turning around and sitting backwards (make sure you do this before the drop starts, or piture will be of you falling to your death), and looking like you are about to sneeze. Do your own if you feel inspired.

After this, you are done with that side of the park. Go all the way across, even though its a trek again, to Tomorrowland, and get your fast pass for Space Mountain--at this point the standby line should be pretty full. You should have some time before you can redeem the fast pass, so you could go on Honey I Shrunk the Audience (a 3-d show--pretty entertaining), Star Tours (a motion simulator--dated but always fun), and Autopia (go carts). For fun, crash the go-karts on autopia into each other--nothing makes any Disney employee more pissed off than this, but they never do anything except tell you not to.

By then you should be able to use the fast pass for Space Mountain. This is the best ride in the whole park--it's an indoor roller coaster in pitch black that goes super fast and has a lot of drops. So so worth it. If you only went on one ride in the park, this should be it.

Now you have a choice to make. It should be around 1 PM or so. If you want to go to California Adventure too in the same day and hit everything there, read this section. If you are there for a few days and want to spread it out, skip ahead to the "rest of the Magic Kingdom" section, and breath easy--you wil have no problem hitting everything from here out.

PARK-HOPPING TO CALIFORNIA ADVENTURE, MIDDAY

The 2 park pass is called the park-hopper--it gets you into both parks. Make sure when you leave the Magic Kingdom to go to California Adventure, you get you hand stamped for re-entry. At California Adventure, go immediately to Soarin Over California. This is the most popular ride in this park--so get a fast pass right away. It will most likely be for pretty late in the afternoon if you are lucky, or evening if you arent--this could screw up the plan, so keep your fingers crossed. This ride is definitely worth it--the one you should do in this park if you're into only doing one ride at a park. Its basically a HUGE motion simulator ride in front of a bigger-than-Imax screen, where it feels like you fly over all parts of California--Napa, the ocean, LA, palm springs, Muir woods, Yosemite--its really F-in cool. Plus the guy from Seinfeld who plays Putty (he's also Joe in Family Guy and Brock Sampson in Venture Bros.--coolest voice ever) is the announcer for the ride, and its hilarious.

Once you have your Soarin Fast Pass, you should get lunch--theres a good spot right by Soarin with standard burgers, chicken fingers etc. Or, you could go to the California Wine Country, get yourself some decent wine and little classier food, and chill for a bit--it shouldn't cut into your day, and you can get pretty toasted.

Then, you should go to the Tower of Terror--a free-fall ride that is supposed to be an elevator in an old hollywood hotel. The standby line for this ride can be long, but its not always worth wasting a fastpass. Plus, can be really funny--part of the premise for the ride is The Twighlight Zone, and the guy does it with the really funny lisp-voice where it sounds like he says "Zhone" or "Gone" (with a soft g). You can entertain yourself by coming up with funny scenarios for the announcer to describe, like "5 normal people thought they were coming to Disneyland for a family trip. Little did they know they had booked a one-way ticket to . . . . The Twilight Zhone". Or, "7 drunk college students thought it would be funny to sneak a flask of whiskey onto the Tower of Terror. Little did they know they were about to take a shot of . . . the Twilight Zhone." Try it out loud, it's much funnier. This ride is really really fun too. Don't skip it.

Anyway, after that, you should go to the California Screamin Roller Coaster--this is a legitimately fun roller coaster, like 6 flags quality. The standby is never longer than 20 mins, so it wont take long. Then you can go over to one of my favorite rides to stand in line for, The Maliboomer. This is another free-fall ride that pales in comparison to Tower of Terror--it's almost not worth going on. BUT the safety announcement recording is HILARIOUS. Every couple of minutes, the gayest voice you have ever heard (I have nothing against gay people at all--I love em, but it's just the best way to describe this voice) "Heeeeey There! This is the MAL-i-BOOMER. Please hang on to all your belongings and watch your children. Careful--this ride's a BLLLASSSST!" Then it goes in much faster and quieter Spanish "Por favor, mantanganse su ropa y sus anteojos, y cuida sus ninos. GRACIAS." Again, this may not be funny reading it, but if you read then and then go in that line and hear the voice, you will laugh out loud and remember me telling you about it.

Anyway, if you still have time to kill before the Soarin Fast Pass, hit up the swing ride in the giant orange, and the Bear Country Raft Ride--the one where you get drenched. They are fun. Then go on Soarin, and you are done with this park and ready to head back to the Magic Kingdom and finish it up. It should be around 7-8ish PM.

BACK TO THE MAGIC KINGDOM

You have very little left to do, really, at this point. You might want to grab food at this point, probably in Fantasyland because its right in the middle, and you can check out the giant castle--maybe even hear the wishing well sing. Then, you can get your Fast Pass to Thunder Mountain--another really good roller coaster thats like a runaway train. While you are waiting for the Fast Pass time, go to the Matterhorn line--this is another roller coaster thats like a bobseld in the swiss alps--there is no fast pass, so you just tough it out--but the line is usually done in like 15 minutes even if it looks really long.

Then, you can either redeem the FP for Thunder Mountain, or go to like Small World and other Fantasyland rides if you are down with that. I say skip em all, but my mom always likes to do some, so we often do. Peter Pan will ALWAYS have a line that rivals any other ride in the park--I don't know why, but its super super long and there is no fast pass--skip this. You can walk right onto Snow White, ALice in Wonderland, Mr. Toad's Wild Ride, and Pinnochio--these are 3 minute long rides intended for little kids that arent even true to the movie plots, but if you've never been to Disney, might as well check em out if you have time.

After this, if you are good on timing/pacing throughout the day, you have pretty much done everything. It should be around 9-10. You can either go watch the Fantasmic Light/Fireworks show, which is pretty cool the first couple of times, or go on repeat rides of your favorites. Space Mountain Standby might still be long, but Splash, Thunder, Matterhorn, Pirates and Haunted should have very short lines.

Depending on whether you do repeats or watch the light show, you will be out of there by 12, often closing time.

Some good rides to check out if you have extra time: Roger Rabbit Car Ride, Toy-Story 3D shooting ride and Finding Nemo underwater ride. If you want to do literally every ride, see the Tiki Room--a room where you sit and watch anamatronic birds and tiki men sing songs (which sucks and is breaking down, but its a classic), and Storybook Land--this ride is a boat ride around miniature models of the castles of the Disney movies--its ok for kids, but don't go on it if you are tired--for some reason, every guide on this ride is an unattractive teenage girl who speaks in a low, quiet, but fast monotone. The ride sounds like this "OnyourrightyouwillseethehousethatCinderella. . . .hmhmhnhnhmh." Not worth it in my mind.

Anyway, that is the SHORT version of my Disney Advice Itinerary, because it is standard and doesn't account for many variables. DisneyWorld is similar, but different because you usually are at one park per day there and dont need to go as quickly. Anyway, if you ever go to one of those parks, use this as a basic road map for what you should do and how.

If you are going soon and want advice, lemme know--I seriously think I could answer any question.

One thing I reccommend to all out there: the rollercoasters, while fun because of their elaborate scenery and premises, are not the most exciting in the world--they are nowhere near as intense or exciting as 6 flags/cedar point coasters with loops and corkscrews, etc. So, one thing my brother and I started doing around Disney Visit # 18 was this: Screaming at the top of our lungs on the ride from the very beginning to the very end, as in when the ride pulls back into the loading area. Trust me, its really fun to do, and you can get some really funny reactions and looks from people watching, especilly those who are just in line, and you are screaming well after the ride has stopped. We find this very amusing, and it's fun to branch out to trying it on other rides where its totally inappropriate to scream at all, like Small World. Scream at the top of your lungs for the entire 10 minute slow boat ride through different countires filled with cabbage patch dolls all singing "its a small world after all", and you are sure to get a reaction from someone.

Anyway, hope you are all keepin it real. Dolla dolla bills, y'all.

Mikee P

No random stuff today--this post was long enough. Always, feel free to share random stuff with me--I love finding out about new and especially off-beat stuff.

Ode To Jick

One of my best friends, more like a brother, is Jick. His real name is not Jick. I call him that because he calls me Mick. You may think this sounds a little Dr. Seuss-ian. I assure you, the logic of this naming system was much more sound when I was in 3rd grade, which was when we met.

Anyway, Jick had a birthday yesterday, so it seems appropriate to give him a shout out. I've known him for pretty much 17 years now. It's really fun and kind of makes you pensive to look back on the times you've spent with someone you've known for that long. Hopefully it's equally as fun to read someone else's reminiscing about their childhood friends, cause that's what you all are about to do.

For those of you with severe short-term memory loss, I met Jick in 3rd grade. I don't really remember the first time we met, but we were in the same class with Mr. V and Mrs. C. Mr. V was one of the nicest and best teachers I can remember having, and he was goofy as hell. He looked just like Waldo, as in "Where's ___?" In fact, on Halloweens, he dressed up as Waldo. As a kid, it was freaky, like you thought that the book was based on a real guy who actually wore red and white striped turtlenecks and ski hats while he wandered through underground mideaval tunnels, casually observing and mingling with hundreds of warriors who were trying to climb up ladders while having hot oil poured on them.

Actually looking back, what in the name of sweet Gaia's teat was Waldo doing in those situations anyway? How did he actually get himself into the middle of so many full-blown yet comically disasterous, borderline preposterous battles? What was he doing there? Obviously, he had to have been some kind of time-traveler--I mean seriously, he was in what appears to be a modern day airport (Scene: The Airport, from Where's Waldo?), ancient Persia (Scene: The Carpet Riders from The Great Waldo Search), and Blaznork (the name I imagined for that one futuristic city in the scene: The Future, from Where's Waldo Now?). Ok, fair enough. He has horn-rimmed glasses, he wears turtlenecks in the desert, he is obviously a nerd, so maybe he could build himself a time machine.

But he actually has like a mad scientist vibe going on too. There is one scene in one of the books (tell me you remember this) where he is in a land filled with Waldos! Ok, he has a time machine AND he can clone himself over 100 times. Who the F is this guy? Why hasn't he sold the patent to these devices to the government for billions of dollars and retired to whatever place/time period he chooses with like 50 Waldo babes, getting drunk on champagne and cracking up while watching the Gobbling Gluttons (from the 3rd book) beat the crap out of each other?

I looked into this, and I think the reason why is because he is originally British. This actually explains a lot about Waldo, like the dorky get-up and the fact that he never shows his teeth. These are of course vicious stereotypes which I don't really mean--I know they are coincidences. However, I think we should all keep our eyes on Waldo--he may seem like a pleasant chap, but he has his own army of clones, and might be only 2 steps away from brutally colonizing the Ferocious Red Dwarves and forcing them to export tea and play cricket.

That was quite a digression, but Jick would appreciate it. Anyway, like I said before, I met Jick in Mr. V's class. We became friends quickly, I think because we were both spazzes and we had a ton in common. For example, we both liked writing waaay beyond what a normal 3rd grader likes. For no extra credit, teacher motivation, or really any reason at all besides that we were quirky, creative little dudes, we co-wrote an entire story series called The Insector Squad. It was about crime-fighting bees named Vice, Sting, and Buzz who battled a series of villians, which appear to have been various guido-like wasps who succeeded each other in leadership of a crime organization called the "Horn Dubbers." There were pretty intricate and racy plots for 3rd graders to come up with--jail breaks, shoot-outs in Casinos (where insects play for honey), and femme fatales. We were in 3rd grade.

I think part of what contributed to our hyperactivity was the fact that we each drank like 5 Cokes a day--that much sugar will jack a kid up. Jick was my partner in crime in what some of you might recall from my previous blogs--sneaking into the teachers lounge, buying Cokes, and hiding them around my room. We usually would do this on a Friday afternoon--most of the teachers had gone home to booze it up or whatever they did to try to forget the brats they had to take care of during the week. This "stash" of 5 cokes each would usually last us the weekend. Since Jick and I were basically brothers, we often spent the night at each other's houses.

At these sleep-overs, we created another grand tradition and discovered another thing in common that we shared--a passion for watching the same movies over and over again to the point of memorizing them while stuffing our faces with microwave popcorn covered in garlic salt. We usually rotated through one or all of these movies: Terminator 2, Terminator, Aliens, Billy Madison, Almost Heros, and Beverly Hills Ninja. Of course, there were others too, but these were the staples. If you read my blog yesterday where I refered to my ability to recite entire movies from memory--this is why and this is but a fraction of the movies I can do. I should point out that Jick can do the same thing, but arguably better.

Anyway, Jick and I pretty much hung out all day as kids. Some of our favorite pastimes included: ding-dong ditching our neighbors, playing Around the World basketball in my driveway, burning/blowing up action figures, playing with fake guns (the coolest was the Chick-Chock, a sawed off shotgun that was the shit and still would be if I had it), climbing out of my second story window with a fire-escape ladder, making long treks to the nearest Hollywood Video/independently-run Sub sandwich store which was over a mile away, and watching movies/playing video games (a staple video game--Kirby's Avalance for Super Nintendo--check it out sometime if you can--it's addicting). Unfortunately, there are too many stories to tell in one post, so I will pick out some great ones.

I used to have bunk-beds in my room, but they were set up perpendicularly. I usually took the bottom bunk for some reason--I later came to regret this and you will see why. Anyway, one night, it was "bed time"--the time when you are having a friend sleep over and you stay up talking/goofing off until like 3 am. Anyway, I don't remember what we were talking about, but at one point, Jick freaked out and sat straight up. This would have been fine under normal circumstances. But, I had recently gotten a cactus (I wanted a plant, but my mom, knowing better, realized that any normal plant would have died within a week under my negligent-ass 4th grade care, so she got me a cactus, which only had to be watered like 3 times a year. Plus, cacti are bad ass). I kept this cactus in a pot of rocks, rather than dirt, on a shelf above my top bunk--again I can't remember why. So when Jick sat straight up, he hit his head on the shelf, which catapulted all of the rocks and the goddamn cactus right onto my head on the bottom bunk. Needless to say, I was somewhat startled.

Another one of my favorite stories is when we used to ding-dong ditch my neighbor, and when she wasn't home, we would jump the shit out of her trampoline. This was great until one day she must have caught onto us. We ding-dong ditched her, and no one came to the door. We waited a good 5 minutes to be sure, then snuck to the back and got ready for some grade-A bouncing. All of a sudden we hear the deepest, manliest bellow, "I don't think so guys." It was her--she was divorcee with grown-up kids who lived alone, but it sounded like a cracked-out Darth Vader yelling in slow motion. This scared the poop out of us, so we ran back to my house. My parents were there working in the back yard--we didn't tell them, just tried to act casual, hoping that she hadn't recognized us.

But much to our dismay, 5 minutes later we looked out the gate and saw Mrs. Neighbor waddling up the cul-de-sac to my house. Basically, we were pwned. We had to write apology letters to her. I wrote mine really sarcastically at first, and got in more trouble and my mom made me re-write it. But it didn't stop us from carrying on the tradition of ding-dong-ditch and jump.

Jick was also the friend I talked about in my driving story--the guy who was in the car with me when I swerved my car. He helped plan my 16th birthday party where I got my car Sonja (the silver jeep grand cherokee), which was a surprise to me--and he was in charge of getting me to my house without me knowing what was going on. He did an awesome job. So it seemed totally appropriate that on the 3 month aniversary of my 16th b-day, Jick be there where I performed my first of many reckless acts on the road. The cop who pulled me over lectured us about how we were endangering both our lives. Jick and I laughed afterwards (even though I secretly was terrified inside). Jick helped ease the blow when I told my parents by making it sound better than it probably was.

This fall, I got the honor of being the best man at his wedding to his lovely chica, who me and Jick have also both known since we wer kids. I couldn't be happier for them.

I seriously have about 100 stories I could tell, and I know Jick does too, but I feel like I have to stop for now cause it's getting long. I will certainly tell many many more in entries to come. I hope this is a decent enough tribute to my best friend of 17 years on the day after his birthday. We had and continue to have some great stories. Happy Birthday Bleesty. Let's bust out the Coke, popcorn and garlic salt and pop in the VHS of Terminator 2.

That's it for now all. I will run into you the day after tomorrow's yesterday.

Mikee P

Here is some Random Stuff that Jick has introduced to me over the years:

Movie: Ravenous--I mentioned this yesterday, but i would have never seen it if it weren't for Jick. One of the movies we watched repeatedly as kids was the Mask of Zorro. Ravenous was one of the trailers on that VHS. We always used to joke about it cause it looked so weird. Well it turns out that as the years have passed, Jick's passion for movies possibly exceeds my own, and he buys literally almost every movie made--one of which being Ravenous, which he recently shared with me. It is bizzare, but great.

Music: Rise Against. I wouldn't say they are random, but not everyone might know about them. They are a great solid rock group that you should check out.

Quote: "Your last concert was as delectable as dipping my bottom over and over again into a bath of the silkiest oils and creams." --the Hedonism Bot, Futurama--best episode ever, "The Devil's Hands Are Idle Playthings."

What It Is: Sucks to Be White and Love Dancing

What It Is: Sucks to Be White and Love Dancing

Sucks to Be White and Love Dancing

Consider this paradox: There are white men out there who like to dance--I myself am one of them. But how does one engage in something that they are, by definition, bad at?

This is a common scenario for me--I will be somewhere like a party, or a club, or a coffee shop, or a hospital, and a song comes on that I like. The part of songs that I like the most are the beats--which probably explains why I am all over the board when it comes to musical taste--if it has a cool beat, I am hooked. And, probably like most of you, when I hear a song with a beat I like, my natural inclination is to move along with that beat.

Here's the rub--my body literally doesn't know how to move to a beat. It's not that I'm bad with music. I can take in a song, and after a few times of hearing it, pretty perfectly memorize all of the words, sounds, beats, inflections, etc., and recite it--even sometimes after not hearing it for a decade. For example, I could probably recite the late Lisa "Left-Eye" Lopez's entire bridge from the TLC song "Waterfalls" word-for-word, and tell you when the next twang in the horns in the background is coming, and I haven't heard that song since 6th grade. I could also do that for their song "Creep," or I could do it for Ace of Base's "The Sign," Ludacris' "Sweet Revenge," Master P's "We Bout Dat," the song "Do You Hear the People Sing" from the Broadway musical Les Miserables, Nine Inch Nails' "Purest Feeling," or Bach's "Toccata and Fugue in D Minor."

I'm not kidding about this. It is a weird skill or ability or tic or whatever you want to call it to have. I can also do it with movies--there are movies that I could literally recite in their entirety from memory right now if you asked. I don't know why it happens; I just know it's just how my brain works and that's one thing that makes me weird.

But no matter how much I like music, I can't dance. Believe me, I've tried to get it to work, but there is some kind of disconnect when it comes to moving my body parts along with a song. My ears sense audio stimuli, my brain perceives the stimuli as a kick-ass groove, my cerebellum sends signals to my limbs to move in conjunction with that beat. And somewhere along the way, its like the signals stop off at a bar for "just one beer" with their pals, and end up stumbling out ten hours later wasted on Jager Bombs and Calemochos (that's red wine mixed with Coca-Cola) wondering where they were headed, what message they were supposed to deliver, and how the Hell they got those tattoos on their butt cheeks.

The result of this is that what originally was intended as dancing could generously be described as a blind robot with arthritis and Touret's having a seizure while simultaneously trying to scratch an itch right in between his shoulder blades, swat 14 different flies buzzing around his head, and keep from peeing his pants.

So rather than try to dance seriously, I have developed as a defense mechanism, a brilliant and simple move. This works for every song, and if you dance like me, I suggest you make this the one and only move in your repertoire. I call it the "Stand Still And Pump Both Fists" Dance. It's kind of a sutble name, so I can explain it--you stand still, hold both hands in fists at chest level, and move them away and back towards your body in a pumping motion repeatedly until the song ends. Advanced users may also alternate tilting their arms slightly to the left and right. If you are really feeling the fire, you can move on to pumping one fist straight up in the air.

This move is great for all white men who are not somehow freakishly good at dancing like Fred Astaire, or white-converts like Michael Jackson. What I like about this dance is that you're not trying anything fancy. You don't get in anyone's way or screw up a complicated move and trip onto the snack table. Either people appreciate that you accept the fact that you suck at dancing and keep in your place, or they think you have a sense of humor and appreciate that you are providing some entertainment that distracts from all the other bad dancing going on.

You just have to be careful when you are in a crowded room, or if you are at a somewhat more sophisticated shindig. Be most careful when using this move at some black-tie event along the lines of a Debutante Ball--at those, I suggest the one-fist-in-the-air move because there is arguably nothing more awkward than doing this dance to impress a girl and accidentally punching her Grandmother in the left boob. The only thing more awkward is doing this, thinking you only hit her in her stomach, and it turns out to be the left boob because of saggage, and then you fart because you are so embarrassed.

Farting while dancing is a horrible experience because it's hard to get away with and you can instantly see everyone's reactions reflected in their dance moves--you see the destruction you've caused before your very eyes. It's kind of like when you sneeze on a painting at a museum.

It's different than farting somewhere more anonymous like an elevator or a movie theater or a bus where everyone is still and silent and kind of acts like it didn't happen. This allows you to pretend that maybe it's not as bad as you know it actually is. Thanks to the beutiful phenomenon of social propriety, the fart dissipates with little to no visible reaction from others and you save face. On the dance floor, however, people slow down, look around, and feel more free to make faces or move away. You are also much more likely to look guilty or surprised because you were concentrating hard on dancing and didn't expect a fart to come out. Couple that with punching an old lady in the boob and you've got yourself what I call a "yoink" situation--where you pretty much need to run from the room after saying "yoink."

Anyway, the Stand Still And Pump Both Fists Dance works for any song, but you might want to try it out on an easy song--one with a constant repetetive background beat. I recommend the White Stripes "The Hardest Button to Button" or Nelly Furtado's "Maneater" as beginner songs to practice on. You can then work your way up to busting it out for such diverse diddies as Dave Matthews "Satellite," Lil; Wayne's "Mrs. Officer," Beethoven's 5th Symphony, or the theme song from the movie "Gladiator."

So remember, if you are a white male like me, and you hear a song come on that you like, don't supress the urge to dance. Give my move a whirl. I think you and everyone around you in the party, club, coffee shop, or hospital will be pleasantly surprised. Plant your feet, keep your hands up high, and give yourself about 3/4 an arm's length to avoid grandma-boob-punchage.

Hope everyone is doing well out there. Drink Coke, and don't pet stray dogs.

Mikee P

Some Random things I reccommend:

Movie: Ravenous--probably one of the weirdest ones Ive ever seen, but that's why its great.

Band: EVE 6 aka the best band ever (disclaimer: I admit this may or may not be an overstatement, but they are my favorite, so back off). Most people have at least heard their song "Inside Out", the one that goes "I would swallow my pride, I would choke on the rinds but the lack thereof would leave me empty inside. . ." While that is a great song, there is much much more than this single. I mean, I wouldn't drive 2000 miles in 3 days by myself to see the final show of just any band.

I don't want to oversell them, but if you don't know them, then you haven't lived and your life is about to change because they will literally blow your ass off. Maybe your nipples too. Start with the song "At Least We're Dreaming", then do "Inside Out," then "Leech," then listen to the entire album Horoscope from start to finish (you can skip track 9 if you want). Then move onto "Friend of Mine" then "Think Twice," then "Showerhead," "Open Road Song" and finish it off with "Anytime" as a finale. If you don't find this incredible, you might want to consider taking up crochet as a hobby. If you do, then be excited because they are back together and, hopefully, putting out a new album this year.

Anyway, I want to leave you guys with this. My friend showed me this soundboard today, which I love--definitely good for laughs.

http://www.ilovenapoleondynamite.com/napoleon_dynamite_Kip_soundBoard.php