My Greatest Fear

Giant Squid, hands down.

What's that? You're laughing? You ever hear of a little guy called Captain Nemo, or Jack Sparrow, or Sperm Whales, or Samuel L. Jackson's character from the movie Sphere? Those guys are all terrifed of giant squid as well. Who's laughing now?

Some of you might think that living every day in mortal fear of being attacked by a giant squid is irrational, even silly. Some of you might roll your eyes because you think it is very unlikely to be pulled into the depths of the ocean by one of these gargantuan nautical beasts, and therefore it's hardly worth even giving it AH thought, let alone many thoughts that would necessitate an entire fear. Even more of you might scoff because you think giant squid are a "myth," relics of the rumors spread around by sailors in the days of yore (yore=~1600-1800). Well, in the words of the great Kenny Powers (Easbound and Down), listen up you beautiful bitches, I'm about to bitch-slap you with some truth.

Giant squids are not only as real as they are horrifying, they are everyone's problem. Don't believe me? This story was recently shared with by via link by my 2 of my good friends, separately, as they are both aware of my fear. They take the majority view of poking fun at my terror, and I believe they shared this with me in jest.

http://www.breitbart.com/article.php?id=D99FNF0O0&show_article=1

Jumbo squid invade San Diego shores, spook divers

After reading the ensuing story, however, I proceeded to defecate myself.

For those of you who were too lazy to click on the link, read the headline next to the picture. For those of you who are too lazy to do that, let me give you a quick summary of the story. There are squid, in San Diego that are attacking swimmers and divers for no apparant reason except that they enjoy attacking people.

Consider this "hypothetical" scenario, which is all too real for many San Diegans. . . San Diego-ites . . .whatever the hell they call themselves. You are swimming at the beach with your friends, sharing a few brewskis, a few laughs, havin a nice little Sunday-Funday, and you get a little too far off shore. Or you go on what you think is going to be a delightful little shore dive, you strap on your tank and mask, hop in and kick around for a while, admiring the enchanting underwater forests of kelp. All of a sudden BAM! A 10 foot squid comes out of nowhere and clamps onto your FACE with its 10, count 'em 10, tentacles!

Some of you skeptics out there might be thinking, "oh, it's ok, it's not like it's a shark, I'll just peel the tentacles off of me, the squid will realize it's made a mistake, we'll have a laugh together and we will swim out separate ways in peace and I will continue staring at some kelp, maybe even gather some to take home and grind into some shampoo or eat in an exotic homemade salad."

EHHHH. Wrong again, suckafish! These squids tentacles, if not ghastly enough on their own, are filled with thousands of little suction cups. Oh, did I mention that each little suction cup is filled with tiny razor-sharp razor things that will tear the shit out of you. Why? No big reason, just so the squid can more easily devour your flesh in its huge, also-razor sharp hideous beak-mouth. Or, just to cut you up cause the squid is a sadistic sociopath and it makes it feel like a bigger cepholapod to cut up its victims. Maybe their fathers didn't love them enough. Who knows? Who cares?

The truth is that there are roving gangs of squid terrorizing San Diego as we speak. Who's to say they will stop there--why not Huntington Beach, Manhattan Beach, Malibu, San Francisco BAY? Ponder that for a minute. Not so hilarious or irrational now, is it?

Some of you might still be skeptical, thinking, "ok, I'm still not that worried about a 10 foot squid, even if it fucks people up for fun." We'll I'm about to drop a bomb on your complacent, blissfully ignorant world now, so you might want to duck and cover if you are near a school desk.

They have found not one, but multiple GIANT squid out there as well. Check out this link: http://www.cryptomundo.com/wp-content/ap_squid_061222.jpg.

What's that? You want a little scale by which to judge that crackin? Here you go: http://www.extremescience.com/images/giant-squid.jpg. That squid, caught by Japanese scientists, was roughly 40 feet long, and was not even fully grown.

Here's another image that haunts my dream:

This squid is just a toddler, according to reports. Do you want a moody, self-absorbed creature of this size swimming below you and decide to play with you? Have you ever seen a toddler get mad at one of its toys? I rest my case there.

Giant squid, or Architeuthis hartingii (which is Latin for "holy fucking shit that's the scariest thing I've ever seen!") can grow up to about 60 feet, according to science. They fight WHALES for fun.

As if that wasn't enough, there are even bigger squid out there, whose technical scientific name is COLASSAL SQUID. These make the giant squid look like a bunch of pansy bitches at a massive 8o feet! They have 8 arms and 2 longer tentalces, each inch of which can grow to over 10 inches (think about it). Their eyes can be up to a FOOT in diameter. How would you like to be swimming and see THAT looking at you? That would make the T-Rex eye from that scene in Jurassic Park look like a kitten's peeper.

I don't know about you, but that makes me whimper like a dog in a Chinese restaurant, and I'm not ashamed to admit it.

Compare my "irrational" fear of giant squid to the most common fear for people, speaking in front of a crowd. While arguably frightening in its own right, speaking in front of a crowd is not going to grab you with a 30 foot tentacle, pulvarize you and chomp on you with a beak the size of an elephant's torso. You don't walk into an assembly as a key-note speaker carrying a harpoon, I'll tell you that much (unless, of course, you are giving a lecture about the history and development of the harpoon, but then it's more for educational rather than protective purposes).

I hope this has knocked some sense into you poo-poo'ers out there. Giant squid are a real, terrifying thing, and I will take my fear to the grave. As for me, I'm going to go change my pants and put down the rubber sheets before I go to sleep tonight.

Mikee P