I don't want to get into the whole dogs vs. cats make-better-pets debate. Everyone has their preferences, some like having happy, playful best friends, others prefer desperately pining for just one hint of affection from cold, reclusive, borderline-emotionally-abusive snobs. Let's leave it as "to each his/her/sher (trying to include everyone) own", and my "own" in this category, is a resounding "dogs." I figure pets is one area where you can take the liberty of not having to do/say/feed the right thing all the time.
Being a dog-owner also teaches you the important life lesson of loving and caring for something even when it is a total idiot. This may come in handy in life to a lot of us, and it's probably good to have had some practice.
Hence my pups. They are 7 year old Shelties. For those of you that aren't familiar with this particular breed, "Sheltie" stands for Shetland Sheepdogs. They are called that because they are originally bred from a land called Shet and they are dumber than sheep. Basically, they are like midget Lassies, except when Timmy is trapped in a well, instead of going to his parents and barking directions to save him, they stand at the edge of the well looking down at him, panting with blank stares on their faces, or they get distracted and chase squirrels until they collapse from exhaustion. Or in my dogs' case, they get too close and fall down into the well with Timmy.
I got these two pups when I was a senior in high school. Earlier that year, our family's first pup, also a Sheltie that my siblings and I named Lassie in an especially ingenious moment of 8, 4 and 2 year old inventiveness, had to be put to sleep due to kidney failure. It was actually very sad--Lassie was our first real pet and she was a great dog. She was extremely fat though--I have a picture of her sitting where she looks like a furry Jabba the Hutt. We had Lassie cremated after she died--the vet had to give us a bigger than normal box to hold all of her ashes because she was so big--making what I felt was a fairly rude comment when she tossed the box on the table like a losing hand in poker, something to the effect of "we had to steal a box from the dumpster outside pottery barn in order to fit these ashes of your fat dog. Maybe if you take better care of your next pet, it won't engorge itself to the point of ruining its kidneys and our job wont be as hard." It was 7 years ago, and I was fairly grief-stricken, so this recollection may be slightly askew. I know I hated that vet though. Anyway, we still have the box--we keep it near our fireplace and have changed Lassie's name to "Ashy".
Our 2 new pups--though they really aren't "new" anymore--are also great dogs. Their names are Sydney and Shabazz (I got to name one of them, but I won't tell which one). Let me describe them to you. They are brother and sister, born from the same litter. Sydney is skinny--she weighs about 15 pounds, and her ears point straight up--she basically looks like a fox. She is fast and "smart"--definitely the leader of the pair--but is neurotic as hell. Picture a combination of Woody Allen, Paul Giomatti and the Rainman on speed, and you've got Sydney. Despite originally being a bit-standoffish, she is pretty affectionate now, as long as you don't grab and move her left forepaw--then she'll snap in your face.
Shabazz is quite on the opposite end of the spectrum in every way. He's twice as big as Syd--he weighs 30 pounds. We think he got so fat because when he was a pup, he broke his front paw, and couldn't run around with Syd for 6 weeks. Instead, he started eating her food along with his whenever she freaked out and chased a squirrel along the backyard fence, which is literally always, and he hasn't stopped to this day. He, unlike Syd, is on the simpler side, but this makes him loveable--he is kind of like a lot of Chris Farley characters, but not as insane. He is not neurotic at all--he's always happy and in a good mood, and he always comes up to you wherever you're sitting and sits right next to you and leans against you. This move may be equally motivated by a need to support all of his excess fat in addition to the love factor, but it's still sweet when he does it.
I love both of these pups to death. But that doesn't change the fact that they exhibit borderline-retarded behavior on an hourly basis.
Let me give you an example. Unlike Lassie (remember, the old dead dog?--who when you threw a toy at her, let it hit her in the face and laid down because she was so fat and lazy), Syd and Baz love to play. But they play like they have brain damage.
Shabazz will bring you a ball, or chew toy, and drop it at your feet. So far, normal dog behavior. But when you pick it up and throw it, he just stands there barking at you for 5 minutes, and you have to point and say "go get it! go get it!" around 50 times before he actually turns and retreives the ball. After the first toss, you're ready to say "to hell with this" and be done. And then he comes back and drops it again, acting all confused why you are over it so soon. Because I have to spend 5 minutes explaining to you what you need to do to keep playing EVERY TIME I throw the ball, that's why, you moron! It's a little exhausting.
Sydney's idea of "playing" is running around on the furniture and periodically stopping to watch as you play this remedial version of fetch with Shabazz. She gets so freakin excited, but she refuses to participate--not that there's much to participate in. What's even weirder is if both dogs are outside and you begin playing fetch with Baz, Sydney will run inside to run around and watch you play through the windows. Issues?
But those are not the only moronic things they do. They bark at weird shit. Every dog does this to a degree, but this is some wicked stuff. At some point in their lives, they must have gotten conditioned to bark at aerosol can spray sounds, like when my mom cooks and sprays Pam, they go apeshit. But it's carried over into imaginary spraying--if you hold your index finger like you are mimicking spraying a can and go "ttssssss", they bark their asses off! Why? Because they are re-re's, that's why.
They also have weird tics when it comes to going on walks. Whenever you say "do you wanna go on a walk?" or even just the word "walk," they go F-in nuts. Especially Shabazz. They run up to you, bark, jump on you--they get so excited that they knock the leashes out of your hands when you try to put them on. And you have to be careful when Bazzie jumps on you, its a lot of weight and he's been known to throw people off-balance, or in the case of some old ladies, knock them flat on their asses. This is of course hilarious to everyone watching, but it gets old after the 7th of so time you say "oh--let me help you with your walker" and they go even more insane and knock her down again.
They've even taken it to the next level--and this part is actually fairly smart on their end. If you say anything that rhymes with "do you wanna go on a walk", like "do you wish you could talk?" or "do you want to draw with chalk?", or "do you want me to shoot my Glock?" or "do you like Kirk better than Spock?" they do the same thing and go nuts and basically won't stop until you take them on a walk. Even weirder is they've figured out that we usually wear work-out related clothes when we take them on walks. So if you ever go upstairs and change into workout clothes and come back down--for any reason--Shabazz starts barking, then Sydney joins in and you either have to give in and walk them, or disappoint them and feel like an a-hole.
And the shit doesn't stop when you get out of the house either. Shabazz, in his infinite stupidity, insists on holding his leash in his mouth and growling at you until you reach the bottom of our cul-de-sac. Then he just drops it and ignores it like he completely forgot about it for the rest of the time. Sydney isn't much better. Neurotic as ever, she freaks out unless she walks to the right of everybody and up on the sidewalk. If you hold her on the left, she will walk/jump around you, Shabazz, and anyone else in order to get all the way to the right, which of course often ends up entagling everyone in the leashes, forcing us to stop and straighten it all out. Everything is fine until the next 10 feet where it all happens again. It's easy to imagine that, whenever they bark, they are saying in a slow, monotone Southern accent, "stupid is as stupid duz." Unfortunately in their case, they duz a lot of stupid.
For all of their Gump-esque qualities, you can't help but love Sydney and Shabazz. They are super friendly, always happy to see everyone, and they are loyal as hell. One of the things I miss most about being home is sitting on the couch watching a show, and Syd will just hop up, curl up next to me and fall asleep--they both usually end up following you to your bedroom and sleeping on your bed too. They also howl if you howl--they get a kick out of it too--it's really fun when we annoy my mom by howling quietly enough so that only the pups can hear, but then they start and it drives my mom crazy. What I love about them is that they love to play, and they are never in a bad mood. Towards people. Dogs are another story man--they F-in HATE other dogs.
Despite their incessant idiocy, these pups are sweet, affectionate, always fun to be around, and love their owners as much as we love them--basically awesome all-around. Think about that the next time you are dangling a string above your cat for 20 minutes begging for some kind of response while it lounges out and acts like you're not even there, SUCKA!
Hope you guys make it through the Friday without starting a riot in the office like I'm about to. Keep your eyes open for this weekends papers in case I do! I'll do the same.
In the words of Billy Zane in his best role of his career, "It's a walk-off! It's a walk-off."
Random Stuff:
Incredibly funny and little-known movie: The Foot Fist Way. I will most likely be dedicating a blog post to this movie's brilliance in the near future. Decide for Yourself:
Best Quotes Compilation: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Pjji2srrIeg
Great song you should check out: "Life & Debt" by the Blue Scholars. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9TikTT4F058
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