The Science of Disneyland

If you think I've told you weird stuff about myself so far, how bout this? I've been to Disneyland literally at least 30 times.

This is not a joke or an exaggeration--that's why I said literally just now. Well, it may need some clarification--I meant to say I've been to Disneyland OR Disneyworld 30 times, i.e. I've been to AH Disney park at least once a year every year of my life plus at least 6 more times. At least.

I've been so many times that I have the park layout memorized like a map in my head--if you asked me where any ride, concession stand, bathroom, store, restaurant, or stomping ground of the costume characters was in any Disney park, I could tell you. I could tell you how to get from any one of the above to any other. I could tell you the subtle differences between Disneyland Magic Kingdom and the DisneyWorld Magic Kingdom--slightly altered ride locations or ride availabilities.

And most sadly, I could tell you, in a totally scientific itinerary breakdown, the best way to maximize your Disney efficiency so that you hit every ride (even in more than one park), avoid lines, enjoy the right snacks at the right time, and still catch at least 1 parade and the late-night fireworks show. If you follow it exactly, you might get some time to sit and have a glass of wine at California Adventure's wine country (one of the only places in a Disney park where they serve alcohol).

Scared? Try not to be.

It started off, I think, as easy default family trips when me and my brother and sister were growing up. Fall break or winter break would come, and it was an easy and quick place to go.

I don't want you to get the wrong idea here--my family is not some bizzare group of Disney worshippers, who each have our own Mickey Ear hats with our names sewn into it. We don't name our dogs Goofie and Pluto, or keep life-size straw liknesses of Michael Eisner in our basement. Me, my brother and sister do have the entire Goofie Moovie memorized, but you know why by now (we are chronic repetetive movie watchers and memorizers).

And it's not like our parents never took us anywhere else--we've traveled to lots of places. It's just that Disney became a sort of tradition--it's always fun to take kids to Disneyland, and after a while it got to the point of being a kind of joke-tradition that we continue. It will most likely get up to at least 100 times before I die.

Anyway, I shouldn't be doing this because if enough people know the best way to cut the crowds at Disneyland, it will no longer be the fastest way to do it if everyone does it. BUT, I like you guys, so I'm going to give you the Mikee P and Family secret of how, if you ever go or go back to a Disney park, you should order the rides, etc. I will even give a more in depth breakdown of some of the rides so you can better enjoy them. I think I will do DisneyLand (Anaheim) rather than DisneyWorld (Orlando) because its smaller, there's only 2 parks, so it's much more managable when trying this itinerary for the first time. Of course, many of the itinerary items will be the same at Disney World, but there is no California Adventure there, so just omit that part and adjust as you see fit.

DOING ALL OF DISNEYLAND IN 1 DAY

Start: It's really best if you get there as close to open as possible. This is often 8 or 9 in the AM. (By the way, does anyone know what the hell AM and PM stand for? I have never known that). The reason why you want to get there early is because there is a key to doing this plan, and really getting the most out of the Disney experience: THE FAST PASS. For those of you who don't know, Fast Passes are mini tickets you get, for free, at certain rides, typically the rides that get the longest lines. The Fast Pass tells you a two hour window later in the day to come back at. When you come back, you can present your fast pass, skip the standard queue (known as the "standby line") and get in much faster. For example, the Standby line at Space Mountain can get up to like 2 hours during peak times. The Fastpass line is about 15 minutes. So you see, you save yourself an 1 and 45 mins right there. That's like 5 more rides at least, plus lunch, plus a parade.

But you have to do Fast Passes right. You only get 1 fast pass at a time--you can get a new FP as soon as the return time for your old one begins. And, the times fill up--so if you tried to get a fast pass at 6 PM for a very popular ride, like Space Mountain, all the fast passes might have been given away and you might be shit out of luck and have to wait in the standby line. So you have to time this well, and that's why you want to get there early--so you can start getting FP's for the most popular rides early and have time to get them all.

So, get there early. When the gates open, quickly, but calmly run or walk as fast as you can to Indiana Jones Temple of the Forbidden Eye (If you are at Disney World, go straight to Space Mountain, b/c there is no Indy ride). This is back and to the left from the entrance, in Adventureland.

If you get there really early, the standby line is short so you dont need a fastpass- you can save it for another ride. This ride is one of the most fun ones in the park--bouncy car ride that's pretty long. If you are bored in the line, look for these novelties--there is a room that is designed to look like its a collapsing room being held up by bamboo--Shake the wobbly bamboo stick--this is a trick designed to make the line more interesting--and the roof will lower a little bit like you set off the booby trap. It freaks some of the amateur tourists out and is good for a laugh. You can also pull on a rope that looks like it goes into a bottomless pit--if you do this, a recorded voice makes it sound like you are making him fall down the pit.

After Indy, go get a fast pass for Splash Mountain, in Frontierland--it's kind of a trek, but worth it--this ride fills up fast. You should have some time before the FastPass can be used. Kill it by going on rides that have short Standby lines like Jungle Cruise, The Haunted Mansion, and Pirates of the Caribbean--these are also right by each other so its easy.

Jungle Cruise may sound lame, but it's got sarcastic guides who basically make fun of everything you see. The script is pretty standard, but each driver has his own quirks of delivery or favorite jokes--if you get a really good one, you will be laughing the entire ride. Some great standard jokes that I always look for: "This Bengle Tiger can grow up to 5 tons and jump over 50 feet. Over there is the python--these can grow up to 5 tons and jump over 50 feet (repeated for several animals throughout the ride)"; I'd like to take the time to point out some of the vegetation here in the jungle" (guide then just points around to plants but doesnt say anything); and "(when describing 3 men climbing a pole trying to escape a rhinocerous and one is barely above the horn) I told those guys not to mess with the Rhino, but I'm sure they'll get the point in the end."

Anyway, Jungle Cruise and Pirates are great too. There's so much I want to tell you, but it would make this blog 30 pages long. In Haunted, look for the hologram ghosts at the end of the ride--and hope that you get the midget one--he is hilarious. If you are there around Christmas, they change the Haunted Mansion to Nightmare Before Christmas, which is pretty cool.

Outside Haunted, there is a popcorn vendor who also sells coke--I recommend getting some either before or after that ride to enjoy in line. There is also a Churro vendor nearby. Get all of these at various points throughout the day.

At this point, you should use your fastpass for Splash Mountain. It is a great log-flume ride, very entertaining and a lot of good drops. Be ready to pose for the picture at the big drop at the end, the one where you see Brer Rabbits shadow on the wall. You will know its coming. Some poses I reccommend: pretending to puke off the side, looking bored like you want to kill yourself, picking your nose, turning around and sitting backwards (make sure you do this before the drop starts, or piture will be of you falling to your death), and looking like you are about to sneeze. Do your own if you feel inspired.

After this, you are done with that side of the park. Go all the way across, even though its a trek again, to Tomorrowland, and get your fast pass for Space Mountain--at this point the standby line should be pretty full. You should have some time before you can redeem the fast pass, so you could go on Honey I Shrunk the Audience (a 3-d show--pretty entertaining), Star Tours (a motion simulator--dated but always fun), and Autopia (go carts). For fun, crash the go-karts on autopia into each other--nothing makes any Disney employee more pissed off than this, but they never do anything except tell you not to.

By then you should be able to use the fast pass for Space Mountain. This is the best ride in the whole park--it's an indoor roller coaster in pitch black that goes super fast and has a lot of drops. So so worth it. If you only went on one ride in the park, this should be it.

Now you have a choice to make. It should be around 1 PM or so. If you want to go to California Adventure too in the same day and hit everything there, read this section. If you are there for a few days and want to spread it out, skip ahead to the "rest of the Magic Kingdom" section, and breath easy--you wil have no problem hitting everything from here out.

PARK-HOPPING TO CALIFORNIA ADVENTURE, MIDDAY

The 2 park pass is called the park-hopper--it gets you into both parks. Make sure when you leave the Magic Kingdom to go to California Adventure, you get you hand stamped for re-entry. At California Adventure, go immediately to Soarin Over California. This is the most popular ride in this park--so get a fast pass right away. It will most likely be for pretty late in the afternoon if you are lucky, or evening if you arent--this could screw up the plan, so keep your fingers crossed. This ride is definitely worth it--the one you should do in this park if you're into only doing one ride at a park. Its basically a HUGE motion simulator ride in front of a bigger-than-Imax screen, where it feels like you fly over all parts of California--Napa, the ocean, LA, palm springs, Muir woods, Yosemite--its really F-in cool. Plus the guy from Seinfeld who plays Putty (he's also Joe in Family Guy and Brock Sampson in Venture Bros.--coolest voice ever) is the announcer for the ride, and its hilarious.

Once you have your Soarin Fast Pass, you should get lunch--theres a good spot right by Soarin with standard burgers, chicken fingers etc. Or, you could go to the California Wine Country, get yourself some decent wine and little classier food, and chill for a bit--it shouldn't cut into your day, and you can get pretty toasted.

Then, you should go to the Tower of Terror--a free-fall ride that is supposed to be an elevator in an old hollywood hotel. The standby line for this ride can be long, but its not always worth wasting a fastpass. Plus, can be really funny--part of the premise for the ride is The Twighlight Zone, and the guy does it with the really funny lisp-voice where it sounds like he says "Zhone" or "Gone" (with a soft g). You can entertain yourself by coming up with funny scenarios for the announcer to describe, like "5 normal people thought they were coming to Disneyland for a family trip. Little did they know they had booked a one-way ticket to . . . . The Twilight Zhone". Or, "7 drunk college students thought it would be funny to sneak a flask of whiskey onto the Tower of Terror. Little did they know they were about to take a shot of . . . the Twilight Zhone." Try it out loud, it's much funnier. This ride is really really fun too. Don't skip it.

Anyway, after that, you should go to the California Screamin Roller Coaster--this is a legitimately fun roller coaster, like 6 flags quality. The standby is never longer than 20 mins, so it wont take long. Then you can go over to one of my favorite rides to stand in line for, The Maliboomer. This is another free-fall ride that pales in comparison to Tower of Terror--it's almost not worth going on. BUT the safety announcement recording is HILARIOUS. Every couple of minutes, the gayest voice you have ever heard (I have nothing against gay people at all--I love em, but it's just the best way to describe this voice) "Heeeeey There! This is the MAL-i-BOOMER. Please hang on to all your belongings and watch your children. Careful--this ride's a BLLLASSSST!" Then it goes in much faster and quieter Spanish "Por favor, mantanganse su ropa y sus anteojos, y cuida sus ninos. GRACIAS." Again, this may not be funny reading it, but if you read then and then go in that line and hear the voice, you will laugh out loud and remember me telling you about it.

Anyway, if you still have time to kill before the Soarin Fast Pass, hit up the swing ride in the giant orange, and the Bear Country Raft Ride--the one where you get drenched. They are fun. Then go on Soarin, and you are done with this park and ready to head back to the Magic Kingdom and finish it up. It should be around 7-8ish PM.

BACK TO THE MAGIC KINGDOM

You have very little left to do, really, at this point. You might want to grab food at this point, probably in Fantasyland because its right in the middle, and you can check out the giant castle--maybe even hear the wishing well sing. Then, you can get your Fast Pass to Thunder Mountain--another really good roller coaster thats like a runaway train. While you are waiting for the Fast Pass time, go to the Matterhorn line--this is another roller coaster thats like a bobseld in the swiss alps--there is no fast pass, so you just tough it out--but the line is usually done in like 15 minutes even if it looks really long.

Then, you can either redeem the FP for Thunder Mountain, or go to like Small World and other Fantasyland rides if you are down with that. I say skip em all, but my mom always likes to do some, so we often do. Peter Pan will ALWAYS have a line that rivals any other ride in the park--I don't know why, but its super super long and there is no fast pass--skip this. You can walk right onto Snow White, ALice in Wonderland, Mr. Toad's Wild Ride, and Pinnochio--these are 3 minute long rides intended for little kids that arent even true to the movie plots, but if you've never been to Disney, might as well check em out if you have time.

After this, if you are good on timing/pacing throughout the day, you have pretty much done everything. It should be around 9-10. You can either go watch the Fantasmic Light/Fireworks show, which is pretty cool the first couple of times, or go on repeat rides of your favorites. Space Mountain Standby might still be long, but Splash, Thunder, Matterhorn, Pirates and Haunted should have very short lines.

Depending on whether you do repeats or watch the light show, you will be out of there by 12, often closing time.

Some good rides to check out if you have extra time: Roger Rabbit Car Ride, Toy-Story 3D shooting ride and Finding Nemo underwater ride. If you want to do literally every ride, see the Tiki Room--a room where you sit and watch anamatronic birds and tiki men sing songs (which sucks and is breaking down, but its a classic), and Storybook Land--this ride is a boat ride around miniature models of the castles of the Disney movies--its ok for kids, but don't go on it if you are tired--for some reason, every guide on this ride is an unattractive teenage girl who speaks in a low, quiet, but fast monotone. The ride sounds like this "OnyourrightyouwillseethehousethatCinderella. . . .hmhmhnhnhmh." Not worth it in my mind.

Anyway, that is the SHORT version of my Disney Advice Itinerary, because it is standard and doesn't account for many variables. DisneyWorld is similar, but different because you usually are at one park per day there and dont need to go as quickly. Anyway, if you ever go to one of those parks, use this as a basic road map for what you should do and how.

If you are going soon and want advice, lemme know--I seriously think I could answer any question.

One thing I reccommend to all out there: the rollercoasters, while fun because of their elaborate scenery and premises, are not the most exciting in the world--they are nowhere near as intense or exciting as 6 flags/cedar point coasters with loops and corkscrews, etc. So, one thing my brother and I started doing around Disney Visit # 18 was this: Screaming at the top of our lungs on the ride from the very beginning to the very end, as in when the ride pulls back into the loading area. Trust me, its really fun to do, and you can get some really funny reactions and looks from people watching, especilly those who are just in line, and you are screaming well after the ride has stopped. We find this very amusing, and it's fun to branch out to trying it on other rides where its totally inappropriate to scream at all, like Small World. Scream at the top of your lungs for the entire 10 minute slow boat ride through different countires filled with cabbage patch dolls all singing "its a small world after all", and you are sure to get a reaction from someone.

Anyway, hope you are all keepin it real. Dolla dolla bills, y'all.

Mikee P

No random stuff today--this post was long enough. Always, feel free to share random stuff with me--I love finding out about new and especially off-beat stuff.