I'm not referring to a literal list of buckets that I secretly keep in my back pocket and obsessively unfold, stare at for 15 minutes (reciting the name, product number, year of first production and most competitive retail price of each bucket four times in a raspy, barely audible murmur) and then re-fold along every crease perfectly, repeating the entire process if I miss a single step, every hour on the hour. Where did you get that idea?
Incidentally, if I were keeping a list of literal buckets, I would probably include this one, as it seems to have practical application, this one because it is simple, refined and masculine yet aesthetically pleasing, you know, for a bucket, and this one because, shit that's pretty hilarious.
No, this "bucket list" I have is one of those cliche lists of things I want to do before I die.
Now, I'm not saying mine is the best bucket list ever and if you follow it you will truly live. I'm not even saying it's totally awesome, or partially awesome. I mean, it's probably pretty lame compared to the one those guys are following on The Buried Life. Those guys have a pretty good thing goin with their list, and they're actually checking things off, earning money while doing it, and achieving legitimate glory. You know, the glory of being an MTV reality show star. That level of prestige is usually reserved for underage pregnant teenage moms from Tennessee, trust-fund harpees planning a birthday celebration that costs more than many peoples' annual incomes, and explosive-tempered alcoholic club-rats from the east coast.
I do have to admit, I'd like to steal this item from the list on the Buried Life for my bucket list. That would be fun.
On the plus side, I will say that my list is probably not as milque-toast and cliche as the one featured in the 2007 box-office hit of dubious critical acclaim, The Bucket List. I mean, those guys' number one item was "witness something truly majestic." Urrmmphh. Excuse me, I just threw up a little in my mouth, and I also think I just caught diabetes.
No, my list falls somewhere in between. It's somewhat humble, yet honest. It's probably one of the most honest things you'll read on this blog, except for my crippling fear of gargantuan cephalopods such as this one, my horrible driving habits, and my inability to dance without looking like an epileptic robot. Some things may be lame, some may be shallow, some may be unattainable. But in the end, is not the trifecta of these three types of dreams what makes each and every one of us human?
Hey, I'm asking you a question.
Anyway, here are some more items from the list, and their corresponding numbers on the list. Feel free to add, critique, share your own, etc. These are our lives we're talkin about, maaaan! Let's start living.
- 13: Zorb During a Tsunami
For those of you that don't know what zorbing is, it's this. It's basically one of the coolest things EVER, hands down. You roll around in this giant clear sphere. A lot of people do it on hills, basically is like sledding on crack and sounds tight. I mean, seriously, these things are so cool, I would do it all the time. I would roll around in one on the streets. However, I want to take it to the next level and do it in a tsunami. This sounds crazy, but you're in a zorb, and therefore cannot be hurt in any way, no matter what amount of force hits you. At least that's how I understand the physics of it.
- 3: Have a Legit Spit Take
This one is very high on my list, as you can see. For those of you who don't know what a spit-take is, it is when you take a sip of some beverage, and by some crazy coincidence, someone you are with just so happens at that exact second to reveal some piece of shocking news. Look here for a typical example. I want to do this before I die. I try to constantly keep a beverage with me and begin sipping the instant I hear someone talking. People think it's because I'm dehydrated, but I really do it in the unlikely event that they are about to tell me that they're marrying their cousin, or that there is no God. This would be my ideal. (Wait or seek forward to minute 1:30--well worth the wait).
- 23: Grunt a Worm
As hilarious as this name sounds, "grunting" a "worm" is really just putting a wooden dowel into some dirt, and hitting it repeatedly with a tiny mallet until worms come to the surface, at which point you grab them, gingerly, lest they rip in half. Come to think of it, the real thing is about as hilarious as the name. Also, the word "worm" didn't actually need to be in parentheses. And by "parentheses," I mean "quotes." Goddamn punctuation. Anyway, worm grunting is a real profession or activity, most often used to collect bait for fishing. However, apparently people do it as a competitive sport as well. I'm not aspiring to those levels however. I merely want to grunt one worm.
- 7: Slay a Giant Squid by Hurling a Harpoon Into Its Giant, Disgusting Eye
This shouldn't warrant that much explanation, as most anyone who is a basic acquaintance of mine knows that the mere thought of giant squid makes me brown my trousers (I mean figuratively . . . .or do I?). Thus, I would really, really like to kill one before I die. An added bonus would be to not die via giant squid, though something deep within me tells me this is how I am going to go. That or get gunned down driving a hijacked Coca-Cola truck for the border of Mexico. Anyway, if I'm going to be eaten by a giant squid, I'd at least like to take one of those bastards down with me.
63: Write a Novel, Movie, or TV Show, or Write Something That Vaguely References a Novel, Movie, or TV Show at Some Point
Well, that's it for now. Remember, I'll always be with you all. Not in that creepy Mufasa way, but more in a good-will sort of way.
Mikee P
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