Who Is Really the Father of Michael Jackson's Kids?

I dont know, to tell you the truth. I have no idea. At all.

I mean, does anyone ever really know who is whose father? The answer is yes, yes they do. Most people know who their father is--the older dude who lived in your house growing up who wasn't your brother is usually a safe bet, especially if you kinda look like him. Like, for me, I think I can say with like 99% certainty that my father is my father--I look literally exactly like him. It's actually really kind of weird. I've looked at old pictures of him before, and it's kind of like looking at a picture of me with a kind of blonde semi-fro (as was the style at the time). I also distinctly remember this one time that I went with my family to visit some of my parents' friends who they hadn't seen since college. I was 18 at the time, so about the same age as my parents when these friends knew them. I walked in the door, and the friend talked to me for about 2 minutes because she thought that my dad hadn't aged a day since college--because I look so much like him. It's kind of weird knowing that you could steal your dad's identity if he was roughly 20 years younger. I mean, I could use his ID no problem, and we even have the same first initial, so I think I could easily forge a lot of his documents. My credit would immediately get boosted, since mine is worth zippo right now, as I am closing in on $150,000 worth of debt. Frickin law school.

If my dad were 20 years younger and I were inclined to steal his identity, I could add Dr. in front of my first name without even stepping foot in medical school. That last part's a good thing for everybody--they would not want me setting foot in medical school since I wouldn't know calcisic bursitis from a colonoscopy (That's pretty bad considering that one is a small fluid filled sac that helps prevent friction forces between tissues of the body and the other is a procedure where they wash out your butthole).

Ok, that's a bit of an exaggeration I guess--I wouldn't be that clueless. I mean, if I had to, I think I could kind of wing it from time to time--like I would probably be able to figure out the left kidney from the right kidney, but I would need some subtle way to get someone else there to tell me which of the bulging masses I was looking at was the kidney. And this would just lead to too many questions, like "aren't you a little young to be a doctor?" or "Doctor, don't you already know which organ is the kidney?" or "Doctor, why are you asking about the kidney when this patient is here for a sprained ankle?" or "why are you operating on that patient while he is still awake?" And my cover would be blown.

So I think for now, I won't try to fake being a doctor (even though somehow it seemed to work for Frank Abagnale). Anyway, I think I was talking about knowing if your father is really your father. There are also all of the people out there who know for sure that their father is their father because of paternity tests. This method has been largely proliferated thanks to great humanitarians like Maury Povich and Jerry Springer. These kids and parents are especially lucky if you ask me--not only do they to get to find out the true identity of the father through the wizardry of science (something many of us never get the pleasure of), but they get to do it on national daytime television. How awesome is that--sharing the joy with everyone. Or the extreme awkwardness.

The problem with those shows is that no matter what the results are, someone is always unhappy. I mean, we all know how every single one of these episodes go: there is about a 10 minute set-up where Maury interviews the mother. Sometimes the kid is there. Either way, there are picutures of the kid posted up on the big screen. The father is in the studio, in a back room, listening. His picture is up on the screen next to the kid. They never resemble each other as much as me and my dad do because that would take all the mystery/drama out of it.

The interview usually goes something like this:

Mother: "I know he the father because I ain't slept with nobody else, Jerry."

Maury: "Actually, I'm Maury, Floesha. You're on the Maury Povich show."

Mother: "Oh sorry Maury, I'm jus trippin cause he all actin like Jaquon aint his kid, but he IS, J-Maury. He look just like him, and I ain't slept with nobody else."

Maury: "All right, let's bring out the man and see what he has to say."

Audience: "Boo/yay!"

Potential Baby-Daddy: "Yo Maury, check it. He ain't my kid. He don't look nuthin like me. The nose is all diffrent, the eyes is wrong. He ain't mine. She be all up in here actin like this my kid when she been ***^$#@ around the whole time we was together."

Floesha: "*(#$# you! You know he your kid! Look at him!"

Potential Baby-Daddy: "#$# that Maury, she lyin. She aint nuthin but a #$$%#."

Floesha: "#$#$_$%"

Potential Baby Daddy: "##$)@!"

(Usually here the whole sound goes out on the episode because there is a string of creative expletives shouted out by both guests).

Potential Baby Daddy: Na, na he ain't my baby!"

Floesha: He your baby!

Maury: "All right. Well we have the test results here. Are you ready?"

Floesha/Potential Baby Daddy: "Yes Maury."

Maury: "Floesha . . . . it turns out Potential Baby Daddy is . . . "

This sentence can go one of two ways.

1) ". . . IS the father of young Jaquon." If this is the sentence, Floesha is happy but the Potential Baby Daddy (Who is now Actual Baby Daddy) freaks out, cusses some more, and often runs off stage.

OR

2) " is NOT the father of young Jaquon." If this is the sentence, Floesha runs backstage crying, usually collapsing somewhere in the hallway. Sometimes Maury goes after her and hugs her. Meantime, Potential Baby Daddy jumps and dances all over the stage, sometimes getting right in Floesha's face before she runs backstage.I mean, why is there never an episode of these shows where both parents are happy that Potenital Baby Daddy is the real father?

This is why I prefer the episodes of Maury entitled "Man or Woman?" These are where they parade out women and the audience tries to guess which are real women and which are transvestites. Everyone wins in these episodes--either you guess right, or you are surprised/impressed with the skills of some of the sex-change doctors out there. There is no sadness involved, unless, I guess, if you are a dude and you become attracted to one of the "women" only to find out that she is one of the trannies. If this happens to you, I guess you have some reflecting to do.

So, in the end, I don't really know who the true father of Michael Jackson's kids are. I guess they could try two of the methods I discussed here--the look-a-like method or the Maury/Springer method. The look alike method is difficult, because the kids kind of look like Michael. But bear in mind here that Michael Jackson was originally (and probably still genetically) black. The kids aren't. This brings fuzziness into this test, so it may not be reliable. I guess they could go with the Maury/Springer method, but I think we can all agree that we would have rather seen Michael on the Man or Woman episode of Maury than the Baby-Daddy episode.

Anyway, that's it for What It Is today. I think I might start ending these blogs with sharing some random stuff that I think people should check out, since that is why I started this to begin with. Submitted, for your entertainment, are some random movies/TV shows/songs or artists/books/comedians that you might enjoy. As always, feel free to share with me as well--I'm always on the lookout.

Underrated Movie Everyone Should See: Kiss Kiss Bang Bang

GREAT TV Show: Eastbound and Down

Artist/Song: Blue Scholars (artists) "The Ave" (track)

Book: Pride and Prejudice and Zombies (the original Pride and Prejudice re-imagined to include scenes where the characters fight zombies)

Comedians: Louis CK--this guy cannot get enough credit for how frickin hilarious he is, and I feel like he is underrated. I have never laughed to the point of tears so many times when watching standup, and I love standup. Check him out--he is crude, for sure, but it is hilarious.

As Kip would say, "Peace out."

Mikee P