I'm sure you, like me, have always looked on the moon with feeling ranging from admiration and wonder to gleeful indifference.
Well all that stopped today for me when I read this TIME Magazine article. Turns out the moon is not just some neutral mozzarella-orb happily circling the Earth like a friendly, loyal Roomba. Oh no, my friend, when will you OPEN YOUR EYES!?!? The Moon is no friendly Roomba, its . . . A DOOMBA!
According to the article, the Moon (if that is its real name) actually is partly, if not mostly . . . I'll just wait a moment for you to take a nice big sip of delicious morning coffee before you finish reading this sentence . . . responsible for the sinking of the Titanic!!! Take a second to wipe the coffee off your computer screen, and then read on.
Although apparently the tragic crash and sinking of the Titanic was somewhat a result of poor design and structure of the vessel, the company's pressure to make record time crossing the Atlantic, and the captain's (some say) questionable decision to go full speed through a passage-way known to be cluttered with icebergs, the article opines that "there may, however, have been an unindicted co-conspirator, one that's gone overlooked for all these decades:" (and here I paraphrase a bit), "that asshat of a Moon."
So apparently, according to some scientific-sounding shit they say in the article, the moon just happened to make its closest passage to the Earth in 1400 years in January of 1912 (the year the unsinkable ship became one of history's greatest ironies). And then, it just so happened that the Earth, at that same exact time, made its closest passage to the Sun (aka the King of Planets) of its annual orbit.
This alignment created some unholy monstrous tidal irregularities known to the scientific community as "spring tides" (also known by some Vatacin-based oceanographers as "Satan's Bathtub"). These "spring tides" are called that because they're unusually high tides, and because they happen in January, get it? (nice naming, scientists). These unusually high tides apparently cause many formerly grounded icebergs to break free.
This alignment created some unholy monstrous tidal irregularities known to the scientific community as "spring tides" (also known by some Vatacin-based oceanographers as "Satan's Bathtub"). These "spring tides" are called that because they're unusually high tides, and because they happen in January, get it? (nice naming, scientists). These unusually high tides apparently cause many formerly grounded icebergs to break free.
One of these freed bergs was the aptly-named DeathBerg III, which started floating in January into the sea, and just happened to make it by April to the channel through which the Titanic, in all of its poorly-designed glory, was barreling at full speed at the behest of its fame-hungry, hubris-sucking creators manned by its reckless and possibly drunk captain.
I know what you're thinking: "apparently the Earth revolves around the Sun now? Ppppffffffffffffffffffffttttttttttttt! Time for me to wipe the coffee of my computer screen again!" But you're also probably thinking, "coincidence? I think not sir!"
Nay, this is too perfect to be happenstance, and we are not fooled. I think we know what really happened: this Moon has always been jealous of its older brother the Earth (Steven, to their parents). Then, the tipping point came when an early French film-maker shot a rocket into the Moon's eye.
The Moon then plotted its revenge on Steven and its inhabitants, waited until it could create the "Satan's Bathtub" tides, and dislodge a giant iceberg (Deathberg III) so that 3 months later it would collide with a big ship and kill a couple thousand people.
A plan fiendishly clever in its intricacies!! Or the whole thing could just be some boring physics crap no one cares about.
What do you make of this article? Explosive uncovering of a millenia-spanning conspiracy, or boring science shit only nerds who live with their mothers read during work?
