Consider this paradox: There are white men out there who like to dance--I myself am one of them. But how does one engage in something that they are, by definition, bad at?
This is a common scenario for me--I will be somewhere like a party, or a club, or a coffee shop, or a hospital, and a song comes on that I like. The part of songs that I like the most are the beats--which probably explains why I am all over the board when it comes to musical taste--if it has a cool beat, I am hooked. And, probably like most of you, when I hear a song with a beat I like, my natural inclination is to move along with that beat.
Here's the rub--my body literally doesn't know how to move to a beat. It's not that I'm bad with music. I can take in a song, and after a few times of hearing it, pretty perfectly memorize all of the words, sounds, beats, inflections, etc., and recite it--even sometimes after not hearing it for a decade. For example, I could probably recite the late Lisa "Left-Eye" Lopez's entire bridge from the TLC song "Waterfalls" word-for-word, and tell you when the next twang in the horns in the background is coming, and I haven't heard that song since 6th grade. I could also do that for their song "Creep," or I could do it for Ace of Base's "The Sign," Ludacris' "Sweet Revenge," Master P's "We Bout Dat," the song "Do You Hear the People Sing" from the Broadway musical Les Miserables, Nine Inch Nails' "Purest Feeling," or Bach's "Toccata and Fugue in D Minor."
I'm not kidding about this. It is a weird skill or ability or tic or whatever you want to call it to have. I can also do it with movies--there are movies that I could literally recite in their entirety from memory right now if you asked. I don't know why it happens; I just know it's just how my brain works and that's one thing that makes me weird.
But no matter how much I like music, I can't dance. Believe me, I've tried to get it to work, but there is some kind of disconnect when it comes to moving my body parts along with a song. My ears sense audio stimuli, my brain perceives the stimuli as a kick-ass groove, my cerebellum sends signals to my limbs to move in conjunction with that beat. And somewhere along the way, its like the signals stop off at a bar for "just one beer" with their pals, and end up stumbling out ten hours later wasted on Jager Bombs and Calemochos (that's red wine mixed with Coca-Cola) wondering where they were headed, what message they were supposed to deliver, and how the Hell they got those tattoos on their butt cheeks.
The result of this is that what originally was intended as dancing could generously be described as a blind robot with arthritis and Touret's having a seizure while simultaneously trying to scratch an itch right in between his shoulder blades, swat 14 different flies buzzing around his head, and keep from peeing his pants.
So rather than try to dance seriously, I have developed as a defense mechanism, a brilliant and simple move. This works for every song, and if you dance like me, I suggest you make this the one and only move in your repertoire. I call it the "Stand Still And Pump Both Fists" Dance. It's kind of a sutble name, so I can explain it--you stand still, hold both hands in fists at chest level, and move them away and back towards your body in a pumping motion repeatedly until the song ends. Advanced users may also alternate tilting their arms slightly to the left and right. If you are really feeling the fire, you can move on to pumping one fist straight up in the air.
This move is great for all white men who are not somehow freakishly good at dancing like Fred Astaire, or white-converts like Michael Jackson. What I like about this dance is that you're not trying anything fancy. You don't get in anyone's way or screw up a complicated move and trip onto the snack table. Either people appreciate that you accept the fact that you suck at dancing and keep in your place, or they think you have a sense of humor and appreciate that you are providing some entertainment that distracts from all the other bad dancing going on.
You just have to be careful when you are in a crowded room, or if you are at a somewhat more sophisticated shindig. Be most careful when using this move at some black-tie event along the lines of a Debutante Ball--at those, I suggest the one-fist-in-the-air move because there is arguably nothing more awkward than doing this dance to impress a girl and accidentally punching her Grandmother in the left boob. The only thing more awkward is doing this, thinking you only hit her in her stomach, and it turns out to be the left boob because of saggage, and then you fart because you are so embarrassed.
Farting while dancing is a horrible experience because it's hard to get away with and you can instantly see everyone's reactions reflected in their dance moves--you see the destruction you've caused before your very eyes. It's kind of like when you sneeze on a painting at a museum.
It's different than farting somewhere more anonymous like an elevator or a movie theater or a bus where everyone is still and silent and kind of acts like it didn't happen. This allows you to pretend that maybe it's not as bad as you know it actually is. Thanks to the beutiful phenomenon of social propriety, the fart dissipates with little to no visible reaction from others and you save face. On the dance floor, however, people slow down, look around, and feel more free to make faces or move away. You are also much more likely to look guilty or surprised because you were concentrating hard on dancing and didn't expect a fart to come out. Couple that with punching an old lady in the boob and you've got yourself what I call a "yoink" situation--where you pretty much need to run from the room after saying "yoink."
Anyway, the Stand Still And Pump Both Fists Dance works for any song, but you might want to try it out on an easy song--one with a constant repetetive background beat. I recommend the White Stripes "The Hardest Button to Button" or Nelly Furtado's "Maneater" as beginner songs to practice on. You can then work your way up to busting it out for such diverse diddies as Dave Matthews "Satellite," Lil; Wayne's "Mrs. Officer," Beethoven's 5th Symphony, or the theme song from the movie "Gladiator."
So remember, if you are a white male like me, and you hear a song come on that you like, don't supress the urge to dance. Give my move a whirl. I think you and everyone around you in the party, club, coffee shop, or hospital will be pleasantly surprised. Plant your feet, keep your hands up high, and give yourself about 3/4 an arm's length to avoid grandma-boob-punchage.
Hope everyone is doing well out there. Drink Coke, and don't pet stray dogs.
Mikee P
Some Random things I reccommend:
Movie: Ravenous--probably one of the weirdest ones Ive ever seen, but that's why its great.
Band: EVE 6 aka the best band ever (disclaimer: I admit this may or may not be an overstatement, but they are my favorite, so back off). Most people have at least heard their song "Inside Out", the one that goes "I would swallow my pride, I would choke on the rinds but the lack thereof would leave me empty inside. . ." While that is a great song, there is much much more than this single. I mean, I wouldn't drive 2000 miles in 3 days by myself to see the final show of just any band.
I don't want to oversell them, but if you don't know them, then you haven't lived and your life is about to change because they will literally blow your ass off. Maybe your nipples too. Start with the song "At Least We're Dreaming", then do "Inside Out," then "Leech," then listen to the entire album Horoscope from start to finish (you can skip track 9 if you want). Then move onto "Friend of Mine" then "Think Twice," then "Showerhead," "Open Road Song" and finish it off with "Anytime" as a finale. If you don't find this incredible, you might want to consider taking up crochet as a hobby. If you do, then be excited because they are back together and, hopefully, putting out a new album this year.
Anyway, I want to leave you guys with this. My friend showed me this soundboard today, which I love--definitely good for laughs.
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